how much do you do for your teenage child?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

it seems that there is a real divide here and so am very interested to know what is normal.

I have a 14 yo and an 18 yo. We cook their main meal for them usually, do their washing, make lunches for college, run them to activities if we need to, take them to the bus stop in the morning.

They will sort their own food if we are not around, make their beds, keep their rooms and areas tidy, get themselves around by bus or walking, put their washing away, change their bedding. Obvs organise and complete any school work.

Would you say that is normal?

I was entirely self sufficient and left home at 18 but I have to say, that period of my life wasn't much fun. Too busy just surviving.

My ds is 15. I cook supper every day, do all shopping & washing, just because it's faster and more economic. Drive him to the school bus stop every morning (7 miles so no alternative).

He stacks the dishwasher, cleans the loo/shower, carries my shopping in, empties the bins. He makes his own breakfast, & sometimes lunch at weekends. Sorts his dirty clothes and tidies his room. He will occasionally cook supper at weekends.

I'm happy with that split. He knows how to do things and when he heads off in a couple of years time, he'll cope. I'd just prefer his childhood was less stressed than mine.

There is a balance between doing too much and doing nothing though. It's not particularly caring to do everything for them and leaving them completely unprepared for life on their own.

I have 3 kids at home 11, 15, and 19. I don't do lunches as they get them at school. If they're home they make their own lunch.

They bring their own washing down and put it in the machine. I'll take it out and fold it for them to take back to their rooms. If they don't bring it down it doesn't get done (I nag them though as I hate it when they leave it weeks and run out of clothes and I have a mountain of washing to get through in a minute as they need those jeans RIGHT NOW).

They are meant to cook for the family once a week each (two teens 15 and 19). This has slipped a bit recently though. I'll cook breakfast for them at weekends - I like that we all eat together.

We don't have a cleaner so they all take part in the cleaning on a Saturday. Chores divided up between the 4 of us. This includes stripping and remaking beds, cleaning every room and hoovering and mopping through the house. I cook something afterwards so we all sit down together.

Whoever doesn't cook has to tidy up after dinner - dishwasher, wiping kitchen down and table etc. They will empty dishwasher if I ask them. They will walk the dogs if I ask them. This is a bit of a battle - I generally seem to do it more than them!

Why would you have heard of it, it's hardly something thats on the news or discussed publically but you can't be so short on imagination to not realise that it's a thing

In my kitchen in the morning there just wouldn't be enough time or room for seperate lunch and breakfast making. We leave the house at the same time and it would be totally churlish for me not to buttwr some extra slices of bread and pop the filing in when I'm doing it for myself

Everyone doing their own sounds like a recipe for a very stressful start to the day

Teen and Tween here.
Pretty similar to you, except they load/unload dishwasher, vacuum and peg out washing.

I make lunches if they want a sandwich - ie what I'm making for me (I leave the house at 7.20, so prepare lunch early). If they want something hot in a flask, I need to know the night before, and they are on their own.

DS1 also cooks dinner for the rest of us when there is a clash on a Wednesday.

After parents evening last week, I'm threatening to start a revision timetable for the oldest. That should be enough to make him do it himself!

Similar to us. DD14 and DD15 will get their breakfast on school mornings. Myself and DH usually cook the main meal but both are capable of cooking spaghetti bolognese, fajitas, salmon, steak etc. They will fold washing, hang it up, hoover, clean kitchen etc, usually only when asked. Bedroom a pigsty. We drop them to places if we are available and it's late or there is no public transport. Otherwise they know how to get around on the bus.

I would say they are more tham capable but can be lazy.

I currently have 2 teenage dds aged 16 and 19. I cook tea for them every night (if they’re in) but they make their own breakfast and lunch. I will drive dd16 around if it’s dark, if not she will get the bus as she has a free bus pass. Dd19 drives so I don’t need to give her lifts any more.

I make a coffee for dd16 in the morning for her to drink before she heads off to college and put a cereal bar next to it for her to take with her otherwise she’d rush out the door without having eaten or drank anything.

They both do their own washing and tidy the kitchen/load the dishwasher in the evening and will do any other household task if asked. They did both used to help do the big Saturday clean up but now they both work so aren’t around to do it but they’ll pick up a few other jobs through the week instead as and when needed. They sort their own bedrooms out generally but if they’ve had a rough week (dd19 has two jobs and dd16 has college and a part time job) I will do their bedroom for them on a Saturday so they can just come home and relax. I don’t do this every week though, just when I know they’ll be shattered.

They're lovely girls and often offer to help cook tea so know how to cook so I’m sure they’ll be fine when they eventually move out.

I do also have a dd aged 9 who just tidies her room and feeds the cats - I’ll work up to what the older ones do over the next few years.

DD is 16. She sorts her own lunches for school but otherwise we do all meals.

She cleans her room and helps with chores as she's asked (no set tasks). She sometimes puts a load of washing on then leaves it to fester for two days

She walks to school but if she's going out she normally asks for a lift and im usually happy to drop her- our public transport is a bit crap.

I think there is a blurry line when they step into full time work or go to Uni when they should be expected to do a bit more.
My DD's don't do a lot 14/17 but they do the dishwasher when asked or will keep their rooms tidy.
I don't give them set chores and I will run them around in the car as needed.
They aren't spoilt we don't have lots of money to throw at them.
They come shopping with me and help pack and put the food away that sort of thing.
I like to let them have their own lazy time at weekends. My own dear mum would be on at me to not be lazy get up do some jobs etc.
I find it really hard to relax without feeling guilty now and have to be constantly validating my own rest which is annoying.
There is a balance sounds like you are a kind loving mum.
If my DD were 18 in a full time job say and living at home I would expect her to sort her own lunches for work and so on but would still provide the evening meal if she wanted it.

This is similar to us.
Personally I think each person doing their own washing seems faffy but having read another thread plenty of couples sort their laundry as individuals.
My DC can also be bit lazy . Both are quite capable of cooking and cook their own lunches in school hols because neither are keen on sandwiches, but would never consider starting dinner (even if just for themselves!) if and when we are held up at work, delayed on the train etc. Literally the moment my foot is through the door "what's for dinner mum?"

Ds irons his uniform most days though and they are both very organised about time keeping

I think there's always contention over what they "should" be doing and it actually being counter productive to the household.

DS could do his own washing. But if I'm doing, say, a white wash, I'll get his school shirts and put them in because there's space. To not do that under the premise of "why should I do your washing" would mean I did a white wash for me, DH, two smallest DC and DS would have to run a separate white wash just for him, where there's not enough to fill the machine, and use another load of laundry products and electricity to do so. Makes no sense.

Same as food. If I'm making sandwiches for lunch, I see little point in making mine, then leaving the stuff out and inviting everyone else to then butter their own bread. It's just not normal behaviour in a household. Different if I'm not doing it in the first place, but I agree with PP, when you see everyone living together like flatmates it's odd. I don't love making sandwiches. No one does lol. It's just part of being in a family, you do things for each other as you are all part of the same unit.

I just say ‘the washing machine is free if you need it’. If there is wet washing in it when I want to use it then I will peg it out or put it in the dryer - as do they. I guess it is more that we all do it, than that they are completely responsible for theirs and I am for mine. It works fine.
Mine don’t need packed lunches and they do not tidy their rooms 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ but they do (together) clean the kitchen after dinner every night.

My teens are 14 and 16. Getting to school for them is difficult as there isn’t a direct route using public transport and they have to cross a motorway so I have to drive them, apart from that my eldest is able to get round by himself when not at school. I cook dinner for them wash and iron clothes, although my eldest again can cook and regularly cooks for himself and my 14 year old something for lunch - pasta with homemade sauces or omelettes etc. I wash and iron their clothes but eldest knows how to use the washing machine and to iron. He cleans/ hoovers his own room and does clean and hoover round the house/ unloads dishwasher etc. I have cut back doing so much for my 16 year as he started to become a little too entitled and offered no thanks. He has a job outside of studying and works there after school/ weekends and in the holidays so he is becoming much more independent.

Mine are 14 and 17. They are both pretty self-sufficient now. We live in a city, so they can cycle or get the bus to go places. They make their breakfast and lunch and we all take turns to cook and plan meals. We all clean and tidy the house together every evening. Everyone does their own laundry. As parents, we pay for things, help them with situations or skills they aren't familiar with, do most of the decorating/gardening/home maintenance stuff, although we should probably start making sure they can do basic repairs and diy.

Given the current price of housing, I'm assuming that there is a high chance that they will spend some time living with us as adults, so I'm trying to gradually train them up into great housemates.

Fair comment and I do appreciate that we are very lucky in that we both get home by about 5pm so have plenty of time to do the household stuff.

If we worked longer hours they would absolutely have tp do more

@FunnysInLaJardin Thankyou for acknowledging this as I feel a bit shit that I can't do more for them.

On the upside, today DD2 (15) and I have played badminton and done a 5 mile dog walk with a pub lunch and watching a film together later whilst DD1 is away with her dad.

We actually had a chat about the fact that I won't be present for the whole holidays to do stuff with them and she said 'it's ok mum, we know you hate having to work so hard more than us' which was really sweet.

just want to say - i love teens! ❤️

Hope you've found something nice to do together.

Don't know why you are eye rolling. The OP has said that the bus stop is a 45 min walk away and she is passing it on her way to work.

Very much the same here op. In response to those saying the teens aren't contributing to the house by washing, making a meal etc. We view it differently, if they do homework, revise , have positive parents evenings re effort , hold down part time jobs then we will support them at home and make meals, do clothes washing etc. Our kids say thank you for meals and lifts and cleaning and washing etc. I'm happy they are working towards their future. If they were rude or thinking we'd always do this without effort from them, then it would stop.

I think I do too much thinking for my teen.

I do the laundry, as I have a routine I don't want disrupted. I expect their laundry to be in the basket by a certain time , it's not and I always have to prompt.
They don't think to tidy their room except an occasional hoover.
They make their own lunch but never do their dishes. They wash the dishes on a Sunday lunchtime. I do the family evening meal.

They don't do much else , although will occasionally pi k up toys the little dc have left lying around.

They either walk or public transport if they go anywhere.

I did loads for mine.

I did all the washing bc it's batshit to run a machine more than you need to just do a teen can wash their own stuff. DH made the meals, we all ate different foods, at different times, even in different places (the horror)! I also drove them places and when DD started her first job I actually did make her lunch up for her because I was already making lunches so it would be weird to leave her out. I never asked them to do any 'chores' and I gave no fucks about them 'mucking in' - 2 of them are now living successful and independent lives. DD lives alone in another city and DS lives nearby with his GF. I varied from the norm a lot but with 3/5 of the house diagnosed autistic and the other 2 almost certainly the same, we did what worked for us.

That sounds lovely @SummerSazz , it sounds like you have wonderful appreciative DC.

We watched a film together last night and had a takeaway, it was a lovely evening.

I love teens too!

My eldest is quite happy to come with me to see Gorgon City and some other DJ's this summer. I asked him if he wouldn't rather go with his mates but he said nah! I feel very honoured that he wants to come with me tbh, and that we both have a shared love of EDM