how much do you do for your teenage child?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

it seems that there is a real divide here and so am very interested to know what is normal.

I have a 14 yo and an 18 yo. We cook their main meal for them usually, do their washing, make lunches for college, run them to activities if we need to, take them to the bus stop in the morning.

They will sort their own food if we are not around, make their beds, keep their rooms and areas tidy, get themselves around by bus or walking, put their washing away, change their bedding. Obvs organise and complete any school work.

Would you say that is normal?

This is so important. Mine put bedroom furniture together, they can change lightbulbs and fix loose hinges and so on.
They also do garden tasks like clearing leaves and mowing the lawn.
It makes them feel competent and capable.

This.

I've never heard of someone making lunch for an 18 year old before - it's not primary school!

Also getting to the bus stop 🙄

My eldest is coming home for a week...with her two boys. She will take her shoes off at the door make for the sofa and let Granny and Grandpops take over the adulting! Wouldn't have it any other way!

Agreed. My ds is 18 and i don't expect him to cook a family meal or keep house - I wasn't expected to do that at 18 nor given a list of household chores to do but I have turned out responsible, self sufficient and generous with my time. My ds will turn out the same. My child isn't a flatmate or lodger and didn't turn 18 and suddenly turn into an independent adult overnight. He is still my child and as there are only 3 of us here I'm happy to do things like wash his basket or laundry with the family washing. Don't get me wrong he sometimes willingly and independently offers to do things that need doing but I've never agreed with giving dc chores. It's probably uncool to say that I like caring for my family but I do.

Neither of mine keep their room tidy!
They do their own laundry, or if it’s just a few bits pass it to me when I’m doing a load. They help with the dishwasher and putting bins out, occasionally walk the dog and make their own way to college/ sixth form.
I make dinners (and brunch at weekends), though DD16 may choose to make her own instead. I wake them in the morning, proof read CVs, offer homework advice when needed, talk through issues (especially DS18), take requests for food shopping and occasionally drive them places.
DD “helps” with the food shopping sometimes too (read: accompanies me to cherrypick snacks in return for carrying a bag on the walk home), whereas DS is always happy to demonstrate his superior strength by meeting me halfway to carry bags home when I overestimate my ability to carry a weeks food for 6 people a mile.

15 year old - cleans her own bedroom,
bathroom and the den weekly. She changes her bedding weekly. She will empty the dishwasher fairly often, mostly if she finds it clean. She helps clear the table after dinner and clears up after herself. Walks the dog around 3-4 times a week.

10 year old - cleans her bedroom including changing her bedding weekly. Hoovers and cleans the stairs. Helps clear the table after dinner and helps tidying up and cleaning, dusting surfaces around the house (mostly on request though also unasked). Responsible for her school bag, including swimming and PE kit (so packs the right gear and hangs up to dry when home, puts laptop on charge, makes sure she has the right books etc). I supervised for a while, don’t have to anymore and she rarely forgets anything.

Both girls make their own lunch boxes and both wanted to do it around 8-9. Not
sure why but they took great delight in it so I let them crack on. I’ll do it for them if they want me to but 9/10 it’s them. They have recently started doing laundry and will hang up a load unasked, even if they didn’t put it on. Eldest walk to school, youngest is either driven, takes the bus or walks depending on what work commitments I have and what the weather is like.

DH and I make all the dinners, no interest from the girls as yet, and that’s fine. I like to think we are team players in the house,
contributing according to age etc but of course DH and I do the most, as we should.

That's lovely! I feel like that every time I go to my mums. She won't let me do anything though my teens will mow her lawn for her and tidy things up.
I'm a completely competent adult who manages minor repairs on white goods but my mum will cut up fruit for me and present it as a snack.

Edit to say I meant to quote the OP not this post

I think that's fine. Lots of time to gradually add in more tasks but if you are raising happy, healthy, polite, appreciative children who are achieving to their personal best at school, who also do some of the tasks at home, then that's pretty good for the time being.

I aimed to have my DCs self-sufficient by 18 (by that I mean they can do all the general household tasks I can do to a decent competent standard) but that doesn't mean them covering 90% of that by the time they are 14 or 15. I'm spacing it out so they aren't totally laden down with chores and tasks like a mini adult in their early teens, as I was. I was given so many of overall family chores to do it did feel like being a servant/maid.

I'm sure the OP started this thread because of the 'to be amazed at how single parents cope'

OP, I wasn't criticizing you doing stuff for your kids (I'm the poster that was homeless). You misunderstood what I was saying.

My point is that by age 18 they're perfectly capable of making their own sandwich for lunch (you doing it for them is nice - I DID say that) but it's unnecessary, therefore it doesn't even begin to compare to the life of a single parent - which was the point of your post.

You got steamrollered on that thread, I think fairly.

Since you asked, I don't know my father (never have) and my mother has serious mental health issues (probably an undiagnosed personality disorder) that rendered the relationship impossible to safely maintain. I didn't go NC over housework, and never had a problem doing my fair share of the chores.

It means when I got to uni I had a bit of a shock at how 'helpless' many of the other students were though - especially if they were sons rather than daughters. But that can get learnt so it's no biggie 😊

Sounds normal. My daughter (18) will take turns cooking now it's just the two of us (my son is 20 lives on his own and I'm a widow). I don't go in her room - she does a blitz about once a month, she has an en suite so does that too. I do her laundry but she puts it away. She buys her own toiletries pretty much.
My son did his own ironing as I never did it!

It seems to me from what people have said that some people just like caring for and looking after others more than others do. Whether that be teens or adult children

I do the same for mine. She says me making her packed lunch feels special, so why not.

She does her room and changes her bed weekly and though I do her washing, she knows it needs to be in the basket or it doesn’t get done. She also packs them away.

During the holidays and some weekends she cooks and bakes - enjoys it too.

This week I was laid up in bed for 2 days and she fed and watered me, kept my hot water bottle topped up and brought me flowers on her way from school yesterday.

I think she’ll turn out just fine ☺️.

I batch cook for me, husband and 21 year old for lunches. Sometimes 21 year old will help if she's home.
She cooks dinner for the family twice a week. She will put on washing ect for everyone if it needs doing.
16 year old helps make dinner if I ask.
They both know how to make their own lunch and will do so at the weekends. Eldest drives but youngest doesn't so will drop her places if needed.
Youngest also cleans for an older couple once a week as they struggle.
I do family shopping with dh. I will make sure washing is done for the week.

Not really, it was a combination of threads, particularly the uni ones that lead me to this question. Thanks though for your thoughts and contribution. Thank you also for telling me about your parents. I’m very sorry you had such a rough time of it.

Assume you have name changed?

Completely agree, they need to be able to do stuff and understand the concept of living independently but they aren’t until they leave home.

11 (Y6) and 16 yo, I shop, clean, laundry amd make dinner. They clean their rooms, put laundry away, make school lunch, walk themselves to school, feed the dog and let her out. I get up after they've left for school. DH will drive them to school if the weather is horrible.

This is honestly lovely and I really hope I can do this for my DC (and DGC, god willing) when they’re grown. My mum & dad always nurtured me with generosity & hospitality well, well into adulthood and I can’t tell you how much I loved and appreciated it. I miss it now it can’t happen anymore. I bet your DC and DGC feel like I do

I have 3 (13, 16,18)
They make dinner once a week
Wash up everyday
Empty bins
Tidy rooms
Make their own lunches
Hoover about once a week on rotation (badly),
The older 2 do their own laundry.
They get themselves to most places but I do a bit of driving.

We cook for them 4 days a week, clean bathrooms, sort out their dentist/doctor/physio/ appointments, pay them an allowance, buy some clothes/shoes, do most the shopping/help them with homework and uni applications/visits/teach them to drive.

At those ages I would expect the doing stuff for others in the household to be reciprocal.

I love caring about people but am a single parent working 60 hour weeks. I physically don't have time to do everything and my teens pitch in, cook dinner, make their lunches and get themselves around. I'd love to have the luxury of time to be that more 'caring' parent......

Yes this is what I was trying to say.

I don't think it's wrong to do things for your teens or adult children, I think that's normal

I just think it's also normal for them to do things for you

I actually think it's quite empowering for teens to take full part in household chores and get the feeling of caring for others too.

I know a few teena who cook once or twice a week for the household and they really enjoy it and finding it satisfying - which I totally understand because I do too! I don't love stacking the dishwasher like the OP but cooking for the family is a nice experience and I think it's actually nice to share that rather than the parents doing it all

At that age I was getting mine to be more independent.

They did their own laundry, but that was because I went on a business trip to China when they were 16 for two weeks and set them up with airers of their own and taught them how to use the machine etc. they preferred doing their own laundry as they knew where their clothes were so we never went back to household laundry,

Cooking - I think cooking benefits from practice so they cooked a family meal each at the weekend. One on Saturday one on Sunday. Family meals in the week I did.

I do care about my kids, but have been physically disabled since they were 14 so there are limits as to what I can do for them,

Have a 16 year old. Don't make his lunch, that's for him to sort out but I make dinner in the evening. He washes the dishes and is in charge of keeping his own room tidy - hoovering, changing the bed, etc. I do the washing but he knows how to use the machine.

I do not take him anywhere, we live in a large town with plenty of public transport, he can get to where he wants to go using that.

I think it's incredibly important as so many men still seem to be useless in the home that women don't run around after their sons all the time. We need to teach them better when they're young.

Get off your high horse OP. Just because someone doesn't do all the household chores for their teenager or make their lunches doesn't make them any less caring. My mum never did my laundry or made my lunch for me when I was 18. I was pretty much expected to do all that myself and cooked my own tea as well at times. I'm glad my mum did that with me and she's the most caring loving mum I could ask for.

I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old. They don't need dropping to the bus stop, but if it was 45 minutes ago, I'd do it. The rest is the same. I do their mains for lunch, but that's more from.my benefit than theirs I suspect, so I know they are using up things in the fridge in the date etc. They do all the other bits. They feed the dog, sort thrir laundry and clean their rooms. They know how to make basic meals.