How do you manage unequal finances in a newish/casual relationship?

[Bakerfoot]

I'm fairly comfortably off. Have had a decent job all my life and been prudent with money, but one of the main factors in my comfortable financial situation is that I married young and stayed married until DH died in middle age. I have a good job and support myself day to day, but my stable life was created during my marriage iyswim.

I'm seeing a man who has had much the same life as me, except that his marriage broke down after exactly the same number of years as I was married, so he's now divorced and having to start again after splitting the assets with his ex.

I don't feel lucky, DH died after all, but I can see that my circumstances could be very different.

Anyway, man is solvent, has set up in his own home, has enough to live comfortably. However, I'm in a position that when friends suggest a big night out or a weekend away, I don't really have to think about it. He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.

I usually go without him, but I'd like him to come. I'm not inclined to get in a position where I'm supporting him and I suspect he'd hate it/decline it anyway.

I'll never live with a man or combine finances again. We're exclusive, but fairly casual, I do like him a lot.

What is the answer to mismatched finances like this? Is there one? Can the relationship survive longer term?

No hidden meaning involving gender etc. for me. I just like paying my own way. Always have. Always will

I think people are assuming I'm more bothered by all this than I am, it's just that it's alll new to me and I was pondering. DH and I got together very young when we were both equally broke, earned more or less the same all our married life and shared all finances anyway, so this is quite different for me.

I'm sure there's a way to work it out, I just wondered what others do.

Can the relationship survive longer term?

seems like you were bothered

OP, I'm a bit shocked at how you've been treated on this thread. Your post came across to me as though you were pondering something and wanted a discussion about it. I'm surprised at the posters who are furious at you not taking their advice and turning it into needless conflict. Ohhhh the internet!

I think it's wise to consider money issues as they are so often the cause of arguments and problems in relationships.
Sounds to me like you have a great balance, fun with your mates when you like, and fun with your new DP too.

The only question is it upsetting you that he won't come to the things you'd like to pay for?

Thank you. No, it doesn't upset me. In some ways it's nice to go with friends rather than as part of a couple, but it would also be nice to have him there sometimes and sometimes I feel bad swanning off without him. I'm not sure I'd love it if it was the other way around, although I wouldn't want him paying for me either, so I do understand.

Obviously you know better than I do how I'm feeling. I'm just wondering how things will develop.

Don't feel bad, it is absolutely fine for you to be out having fun with your friends.

How about take it on an event by event basis? So next time there is an event that you'd like him to come to, tell him it would mean a lot to you if he came?

I think there are places online where you can find your 'money personality'. DH and I have clashed here many times over the years, and are finally settled, but only because we inherited some money that took all the pressure off. I do think you'll need a chat again about it, but treat it lightly so it doesn't become a 'thing'.

just going by fact you started a mumsnet thread essentially asking if you should dump or partner or not 🤷

I have a budget and part of that budget is for socialising etc weekly

If you both had one it would make life easier eg look I've got x amount left for fun pleaae come and he says blah

well what @Seagrassbasket says upthread.

I have been in the position of your boyfriend twice (divorce has left me with huge debts and a large mortgage to pay, and in my case, children still living at home draining my bank account). With the first boyfriend I often felt that I had to go along to expensive things with him and pay half. When I started saying that I couldn't afford it, he paid, but seemed to resent it. Expected me to pick up the bill next time. It would have been easier just to do these kind of things more rarely, but he didn't seem to want to do that.

The second relationship, we just went to cheaper things. (Although I would have liked to have been treated occasionally).

Where? I don't think I did. I specifically asked for others' experiences. It hasn't occurred to me to "dump" him, only to think about how it could all work out.

Can the relationship survive longer term?

given he doesn’t seem to have a problem with saying no, it’s all about whether you wanted to stay in the relationship longer term

Of course he can afford breakfast and he always insists on paying for it even when I offer. He doesn't want me to pay for him was my point.

This jumped out at me. Is one of the issues that he doesn't want you paying for anything, ever? Even if it's a low cost activity that he can easily afford? That's a bit of a strange attitude to money! This would become an obstacle for me, because it is entirely normal in a longterm relationship to take turns paying for things.