How do you manage unequal finances in a newish/casual relationship?

[Bakerfoot]

I'm fairly comfortably off. Have had a decent job all my life and been prudent with money, but one of the main factors in my comfortable financial situation is that I married young and stayed married until DH died in middle age. I have a good job and support myself day to day, but my stable life was created during my marriage iyswim.

I'm seeing a man who has had much the same life as me, except that his marriage broke down after exactly the same number of years as I was married, so he's now divorced and having to start again after splitting the assets with his ex.

I don't feel lucky, DH died after all, but I can see that my circumstances could be very different.

Anyway, man is solvent, has set up in his own home, has enough to live comfortably. However, I'm in a position that when friends suggest a big night out or a weekend away, I don't really have to think about it. He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.

I usually go without him, but I'd like him to come. I'm not inclined to get in a position where I'm supporting him and I suspect he'd hate it/decline it anyway.

I'll never live with a man or combine finances again. We're exclusive, but fairly casual, I do like him a lot.

What is the answer to mismatched finances like this? Is there one? Can the relationship survive longer term?

When he was married they were more comfortable, but yes, since they separated he's been more selective at what he attends.

Well I think you need to have a talk with him, and explain that you're happy to pay, understand his situation etc. Especially as you have such expensive tastes, like a weekend in one of the world's most expensive cities, a 6 hour flight away.
As much as there are cock lodging men, it's true that people also look down on lower earners. You can already see that from this thread. People are questioning him being broke, his decision to decline, etc.

Nobody makes negative assumptions about a woman doing the same, in fact they always say that it's the higher earner who should pay, emotional labour blah2. but you two don't even live together so that's irrelevant here.

@pitchfever Have you been out for breakfast recently? It's £15 at least in a 'nice' place. DH and I are lucky to be able to afford it, but it's not something that I assume is cheap! Same with the theatre. You must be very financially lucky if all this is chump change.

If it was say a coffee that was £2 fair enough.

I feel like peole want to pick my story apart.

I only wanted a chat about how these things work for others.

What is a big night out if it's not dinner at £100 plus £200 theatre tickets, plus drinks?

No ex was never in the group.

Of course he can afford breakfast and he always insists on paying for it even when I offer. He doesn't want me to pay for him was my point.

Theatre can be expensive. We (that's me and DP who, last time I looked was a middle aged man) are going to the theatre next week.

The tickets (mid range for the show) are £40 pp and we'll probably have a meal beforehand, which will probably just be something quick, but anyone making a night of it with a naice pre theatre dinner and taxi there and back could easily be looking at over £200 for the evening.

And yes, he treats me all the time. He's always first to buy a drink, no matter who he's with. He declines to do things where he can't pay his way

OP, I can’t offer you advice, as I have never been in this situation but just want to say how appalled I am at others scrutinising your relationship, friendship group, and definition of a big night out.

I am happy you’ve found someone after your loss and I hope you find a solution.

£40 theatre tickers are cheap! Good for you, but we're often looking at a lot more than that

Why all the nitpicking about details that have bugger-all to do with what the OP is actually asking? It's tedious.

OP, the background is important to understanding his character. Especially as so many here have jumped to making negative assumptions. Your man seems like a good 'un , and can you blame him for refusing to let you pay after seeing all these comments assuming he's going to take advantage? That's what society thinks of a lower earning man, and it's not great for his self-esteem.

Since you asked, personally I think you have very expensive tastes. I'd spend, £50 dinner, £40 theatre tickets (each), no drinks. Am I capable of spending the amounts you do? Yes. Do I? Yes, for a special occasion, but not regularly. I go to the theatre/a show at least twice a month.

Like I said, earning power is tied to self-esteem for men and it seems like he feels bad for not being able to spend. If you understand this and communicate, you can have a future but otherwise it's quits.

I have almost always been the higher earner, even now I earn more than DH although we both earn well (I'm expecting it to reverse soon though!). I've also dated people on benefits while earning a lot, as they were decent men they did not want to take advantage of me but I had to explain how much I valued their presence. There's really no magic solution. If you truly care about him you'll try to understand his feelings, and communicate on a deeper level.

Ultimately some men have a lot of pride. They won't let you take the lead no matter what. That's not great tbh as they can't accept a more successful woman. But unlike others I'm not inclined to jump to negative assumptions!

I would guess, from my knowledge of his work which is similar to mine, he earns much the same as I do, but his asset base is lower and his fixed outgoings higher.

I actually live a very frugal "base" life with very low fixed outgoings, modest car, home etc goving me plenty of disposable income. If I've learned nothing else from the last few years, I know you can't take it with you and would much rather spend money on doing things with good people than having 'stuff'.

I spent Friday night seeing a band in a WMC, by no means all my social life is expensive, but when the opportunity arises I like that too.

No I didn't I said they were more comfortably off when they were married, as you'd expect when they were only runing one home between them. She was invited to join us many times, but she never came.

I suppose you have three options

1. Accept he can’t do the expensive things, so cheaper things with him and do pricier stuff with other friends (I like that he doesn’t want to take advantage of you by the way)

2. try to persuade him to allow you to pay sometimes for some things ( I can also see why you would want him to be there and are willing to subsidise that as you value his company)

3. split up now

Of course if you try 2) and he won’t allow it and you cant/don’t want to do 1) then you’ll end up at 3) anyway

Do I think 1) will cause conflict eventually? Yes. And if you do 2) you must have strong boundaries but also never ever use it as a power play.

This.
@Bakerfoot You can't really control what he does and doesn't spend on. You need to have a frank talk with him about his motivations. none of us here can guess. Since you said he comes on 'affordable/ things I'm guessing well you do have similar tastes, and it's just money?
Even if not, you can't force him to value the same things and this thread has demonstrated that. You want £200 theatre tickets for example the rest of us are happy with cheaper ones. If I was dating you personally a weekend in NYC wouldn't be good value for me, a whole week at least, probably. If I had a limited spending budget I wouldn't want to blow it on that. It's not a judgement on you but what he could be thinking. Of course, if he refused to pay for even a coffee on a NT property .. he'd be really stingy and we'd all be telling you to get rid.

There's your answer really. You both need to talk. And you need to decide what you want.

I don't know where you get £40 theatre tickets. Even AmDram here are charging that

Seriously OP THAT's what you're concentrating on?
I've tried to give reasoned advise using what you're saying as examples. Not to judge your spending. But it looks like you're not interested in that. You didn't even respond to any of my points especially as I've been in a similar situation.

You can spend what you like. But he isn't being unfair to not want to spend on these things. You decide what you want to put up with . The end. No point in me wasting my time on this thread.

No, that.not what I'm concentrating on, I thought I was having a conversation.

But as you mention it people seem to have decided just to bash my expensive tastes, but I'd love to know where they're going to the theatre for £40.

Do women really hate the idea that widows women might live a comfortable life that much?

Obviously I know there are choices to be made, I was just looking to discuss them with anyone who may have been in a similar situation.

Well we're going to see the Drop the Dead Donkey reawakening in Leeds. The tickets range from £25 for the nosebleed seats to £75 in a box. We paid £40 pp for what appears to be seats with a good view in the dress circle.