How do you manage unequal finances in a newish/casual relationship?

[Bakerfoot]

I'm fairly comfortably off. Have had a decent job all my life and been prudent with money, but one of the main factors in my comfortable financial situation is that I married young and stayed married until DH died in middle age. I have a good job and support myself day to day, but my stable life was created during my marriage iyswim.

I'm seeing a man who has had much the same life as me, except that his marriage broke down after exactly the same number of years as I was married, so he's now divorced and having to start again after splitting the assets with his ex.

I don't feel lucky, DH died after all, but I can see that my circumstances could be very different.

Anyway, man is solvent, has set up in his own home, has enough to live comfortably. However, I'm in a position that when friends suggest a big night out or a weekend away, I don't really have to think about it. He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.

I usually go without him, but I'd like him to come. I'm not inclined to get in a position where I'm supporting him and I suspect he'd hate it/decline it anyway.

I'll never live with a man or combine finances again. We're exclusive, but fairly casual, I do like him a lot.

What is the answer to mismatched finances like this? Is there one? Can the relationship survive longer term?

People are not bashing your expensive tastes. They are only mentioning it in the context of him not wanting to spend. I've seen plays in Manchester and London. The Royal Exhchange Theater, Manchetser Opera House, the Donmar Warehouse, Old Vic etc for £40. Where are you going that's so expensive? Unless you mean for 2 people.
Personally, I'd think someone not wanting to spend £2 on a coffee is stingy. Or £15 on a meal out. If that was the sort of thing you were talking about, then I'd say the relationship has no future. After all, that was the point of your question.
But the things you state are perfectly fine for him to decide that it's too expensive. Maybe, even if the cheapest ticket is £100, it's not value for money, for him. So he doesn't want to spend on it. Fair enough.

You have the three options that @Seagrassbasket said and I have also explained why he may be shying away from not wanting you to pay. Good luck with navigating this issue in your relationship, I wish you all the best. Again, you're lucky that he's not taking advantage unlike so many of the princes we read about on here. The standard of men in general is low.

Could you do one or two of the very expensive things as gifts each year? For example a trip to New York as a Christmas gift and an expensive theatre trip for a birthday present? It would mean he could still join you for a couple of the things you know he can't afford and he shouldn't won't see it as charity.

You don't think the general attitude from the first response was looking to tell me I'm a terrible person in my comfortable extravagant life then? Also desperate to make him out to be be feckless.

Where's all the he sounds lovely and isn't it nice to hear of a widow building a new life? 🤣

Could he afford something like a cinema trip and a mid price meal afterwards?

I would call this a mid price night out.

If it was me being with someone who wasn’t able to afford £150 theatre tickets wouldn’t bother me as that’s a big treat for lots if not most people but something such as a cinema trip would be an issue.

I guess it depends how much you enjoy his company doing cheaper things. If you really do then save your New York weekends for your friends and suggest Secret Escape breaks with him.

Well, I said he was a good 'un several times but you ignored it, I also stated that other people were saying he's feckless which is unfair.
I don't know why you want praise for building a new life. That's not the point of the thread and you've shown little enough appreciation for those of us who have given constructive advice. Nothing to praise here really.

They’re trying to find the angle that this bloke is somehow tight, stingy, a potential cocklodger or otherwise at fault

it sounds like he’s just got less to spare than op so says so when he can’t afford something.

op I think if you limit relationships to only people an a completely level financial status you’re going to struggle. If you were the bloke you’d be told to put your hand in your pocket

Yes, he'd probably see that as a specialish occasion, not something to every week, but normal enough. As I would have done for most of my adult life, it's only since DC have become independent that I've been living it up a bit.

I'm a high earner and all of my relationships have been like this. After a while and once living together it's inevitable that I pay the lion's share for everything.

The alternative is living separate, disparate lives or saying you'll only date men of equal means. Neither of those appeal to me.

This never comes up as an issue when it's vice versa, which it frequently is, and I guess that's because we still expect men to 'provide'. I've never experienced that and I guess I never will!

have felt resentful before now; my ex-H lost all impetus to be financially responsible and his contributions dwindled to nothing. In my current relationship, DP works hard and contributes what he can, but I wish the burden was more 'shared'.

It's different for OP because she's not living with the man. In a dating scenario I would probably steer away from funding joint activities as a regular thing.

Yes, I know. I'm really surprised at the aggressive responses. I don't mind putting my hand in my pocket, I treat people all the time, he's less keen on the idea.

What did you do in the early days of those relationships?

This is really tricky, it’s nice you’ve found someone to like but at the same time lifestyle and finances are real life.

We used to go the theatre a lot for people quoting 40 quid a ticket..if only....the last few times I've thought about London/B'ham booking you're looking in the region of over 100 pounds a seat.
Sadly not in our budget anymore.

"What did you do in the early days of those relationships?"

Low-key things really. Pubs instead of restaurants, cinemas, walking dogs, cooking together and watching tv at home.

I'm 90% homebody anyway and was happy with those things. As things progressed and expensive weekends away/holidays came up we were already close to moving in and I felt comfortable splitting cost according to means.

I understand where the OP is coming from.

I divorced in middle-age when my children were adults so am a female version of her boyfriend. During marriage we were comfortably off, nice house, private schools, weekends in NYC. My close friends I've known for decades but they are all now much better off than I am.

Two are now widowed, one was long divorced, but I am by far the poor relation! I own my flat outright, and live well, including a couple of short-haul trips, theatre, cinema, eating out etc, but I can't hire a house in Cornwall for the whole family to holiday in, or go on an Alaskan cruise, as they can.

Of course it's a different situation between a group of friends, versus a male & female relationship but the income disparities do lead to a different lifestyle.

Divorce in middle-age brings few benefits - apart from the peace and quiet!

I expect for now the OP will just have to keep it casual, then there's no angst.

I think it's totally fine for him not to attend things he thinks are too expensive. And what is "too expensive" varies massively from person to person and, as importantly, according to preference. DH might be willing to splash out on a theatre ticket and take the hit of a £150 ticket etc, but he has never understood the appeal of a big night out in the form of an expensive restaurant and lots of wine. So as a couple, we occasionally do the former, but if I want to do the latter, I usually do it with girlfriends.

But what this means is that if you're not happy doing these things without him, then the relationship might not work out. Not because either of you are stingy, but just because you have different wants and needs.

OP even if you were dating a really rich guy you could end up in the same situation. I know lots of people who are well off but begrudge spending money on fun activities and experiences.

Not sure what you are asking.

Either he allows you to pay sometimes and he goes. Or he doesn't and he doesn't go.

There's not much we can add.

You need to have this discussion with him.

you really like him
he insists on paying for you when you do out to eat etc
he declines to join for more expensive “big nights out” and trips to NYC

and you’re wondering whether to finish with him or accept he can’t do pricey stuff

doesnt it just boil down to how much you like him? and given you’ve strayed this thread… i’d hazard a guess the answer is “not enough”

yes it’s odd isn’t it

not like the op can do anything about what he can afford!

He doesn't want you to pay for him because he's internalised the idea that his masculinity or self-worth is connected to his ability to provide/pay, and letting you pay would be a blow to that (or he fears that others might judge him for it). To resolve your issue, he needs to get over that, which is easier said than done, because the "man must pay otherwise not real man" social conditioning runs very deep. As we see all over this board.

The key to any relationship with unequal finances is communication. Not just about the practicalities of who pays for what and what the respective budgets are, but how it makes both people feel. At what point will the higher earner stop wanting to pay; at what point does the lower earner feel indebted. Lots of comoplicated and often irrational feelings about money and you need to be able to talk them out.

@gannett

He doesn't want you to pay for him because he's internalised the idea that his masculinity or self-worth is connected to his ability to provide/pay, and letting you pay would be a blow to that (or he fears that others might judge him for it).

i’m female and i don’t like people paying for me. Go figure

What did I do?

Went Dutch sometimes, took it in turns otherwise. One buys the cinema tickets, the other buys the popcorn. One books the hotel for the weekend, the other buys the train tickets, etc.

But he's made it clear he's uncomfortable with you paying for things for him. So you might be able to get away with explaining you'd really like to treat you both to X or Y holiday but he may still say no and certainly doesn't sound as though he'd let it be a regular thing. You could discuss with him and try to understand his objection but ultimately he's entitled to make it.

Be careful, though. Plenty of previous OPs write about "partners" who have accepted gifts and OP paying for things because he "couldn't afford it" while he was actually spending £££ on a hobby or squirelling the equivalent away into savings/pension.

Same. In my case my negative feelings stem from being wary of men who think that splashing cash on me is a way to impress me (or worse, that I then owe them something). More irrationally I prize my independence quite stubbornly and hate the feeling of being indebted to anyone, I find it hard to accept generosity.

So DP, who was the higher earner when we met, and I had to have a lot of conversations along these lines. Even so, I find it a lot easier now we're equal earners.