Did boomers get it right?

[GreyGoosehound]

I’ve lurked on several recent posts about deteriorating behaviour in schools, with increasing violence and 4 and 5 year olds who don’t have basic skills.

I’ve also seen threads and SM posts about boomers, mainly negative. But it’s also acknowledged that GenX are quite a hardy, resilient bunch.

I am generation X, and have brought up my genZ children differently to how I was raised. I was more present in their lives, made huge efforts to meet their needs in a way that my parents didn’t, as did many other parents in my age group.

You don’t need to look hard to find criticism of Millenials and GenZ, and GenAlpha (2012+) are commonly discussed as nightmare fodder.

Did the benign neglect and distanced parenting of boomers work better for growing children? Did the freedom that GenX had make a huge difference in their development?

I know there are global issues that contribute - the internet must have made a huge difference to both parenting and in child development, financially GenX had an easier time of becoming independent from parents, all this will have an effect.

I wonder if this is just a blip in human development, or how genZ and future generations will parent their children in response to how they were parented.
Thought this would make an interesting discussion.

I was born the last year of the boomers, one of 5. No affection or interest from parents. I never remember them hugging me. I was a by-product of their sex life and that was all.

I had ds late (2008) and have raised him to know he is loved. I've done the opposite of my parents. Worked hard to give ds a carefree childhood. Showed him every affection and consideration.

I am harder working, more resourceful (but he's still only 15 so plenty of time to change).

However I am no good at relationships, generally don't trust adults or anyone else for that matter, find it hard to ask for help. I suppose I am emotionally stunted.

I think I have done the better job of parenting. Ds is affectionate and kind. He has the chance o a good relationship.

That is a really interesting insight.

Added to that though, mainstream schools didn’t have to support quite so many children with additional needs.

My nephew is autistic and was expected to start his schooling in mainstream despite it being abundantly clear it wouldn’t be best for him. He wasn’t potty trained and his dad came in to school every time he needed changing. He did get moved to a specialist school from year one, but that IN PART (not entirety) would explain away why some children aren’t potty trained when they start school.

I agree with a lot of the points raised, but we do seem to be holding "the modern parent" responsible when it's more of a society change.

Like the independence, I completley agree children should have more from younger. But it isn't just a sudden influx of paranoid parents - the nspcc recommends not leaving children under 12 home alone, or under 16 home overnight. Our local school (0.25 miles away) will not allow children to walk alone until Year 6. A young child attempting to board a bus alone will be stopped and questioned as to where their parents are. "We" as a society seem to have decided the world is too dangerous for children, the parents are just following that. It's often described as aspirational, but who really wouldn't bat an eyelid at a group of unaccompanied children ranging from age 3-10 wandering the streets alone now.

I think social media and screens is definitely a culprit for some of the issues - but again modern parents are accused of laziness and expected to stem this tide single handedly. We're all on screens a load more than we were, parent or otherwise. they just didn't exist when I was a child. But I was definitely plonked in front of cartoons from time to time, and my mum ushered us away to play so she could read her book - the concept of not finding small children endlessly fascinating and preferring another entertainment option isn't a new one, there are just more options now.

I'm an 80s child but not sure what generational category I fall into. In terms of parenting, I'd say I probably give my children more attention than I got as a child.

However, we don't usually do things specifically geared to the kids. We don't visit soft plays or go to baby groups. We like hiking, camping and don't use screens. When I do housework / cooking the whole family is involved.

I'm Gen x, my parents are boomers.

Social media is a huge issue, motr than many realize because apart from indirect effects, it affects brain development directly. So kids are not growing up with normal responses to things like feeling rewarded internally for hard work.

But apart from that, I do think there are a few other really key elements.

One is the lack of freedom, time alone, time alone with other kids, and kids needing to problem solve themselves. Also, never experiencing boredom.

It's like when they tell you not to take a puppy away from its mum and siblings too early, because it will not learn how to behave and self-regulate.

The other is the issue around focus on internal states and discomfort with "bad feelings".

My opinion is kids are burnt out today.
This is American but it’s all totally relevant to the UK:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_younger_generation_isnt_lazy_theyre_burned_out

Just look at the numerous threads on here regarding the issues children and teens are having because of school and the ridiculous pressures that come from the current system. Combine that with poverty/economic inequality, a pandemic, constant climate threats etc.

I think your premise is false. I'm a late boomer my children are millennials. We were very involved in our children's lives as were all my friends also boomers. We spent a lot of time talking to and about our kids and trying to work out the best things for them, what we should do, angst about theirs GCSE choices,/results, university choices, their first jobs, Boyfriend/girlfriend trauma etc.. None of my parent friends did hands off parenting.

Couldn't say it better. And yes, "boomers", although I'm an X, definitely got it right.

The absolute biggest difference between my daughter’s generation vs my and all previous generations, is that all the children I know now have mothers who worked throughout their childhoods, usually in demanding stressful jobs. When I was 12, I only knew a couple of families where the mother worked, and in both cases she had a part time job she didn’t have to think about past 3pm.

It’s taboo and upsetting discuss it but the fact is that this is a huge societal change and it has had consequences.

Yes, exactly. Parenting so "off hand", that it was borderline abusive. I'm like you, not in a rocking chair, extremely independent and my remaining parent in another country is desperately lonely. Get as much as you gave, or something like that.

It is more dangerous to let children roam around unsupervised than it was decades ago. Many parents will tell you this is because of paedophiles. The danger from paedophiles is no greater now than it's ever been, but more people are aware of it. The real danger is from traffic on the roads. Cars and other vehicles travel fast and are very heavy. Children aren't good at judging distances or risks. If you let young children cross roads on their own, some of them will be knocked down and injured or killed. Hence, nowadays, very few are allowed to do that, and they lose a lot of freedom and learning opportunities as a result.

It would be much healthier for not just children but all of us if we found some way to cut the traffic on the roads or design ways to keep the traffic away from areas where people, including children, need to walk or cycle.

Yes. Have to refer to you as another quote.
My parents are the reason I remained child free.

And this. Silent generation in my life were bastards.

When my children were little back in the 90s, there were no smartphones, so when we were walking along outside we passed the time by chatting about what we could see or what they'd done at school or nursery, or what we would have for tea, and so on. I have some very happy memories of those times. My parents would have done the same with my brother and me back in the 1960s.

Nowadays I see a lot of parents (both sexes) with their eyes glued to their phones as they walk round the park and the streets, instead of talking to the child they're with. Obviously I don't know how much time they spend talking to the child otherwise, but it seems a shame.

Disagree. Massive generalisation! Older generations did not ALL have negative views of children ! Complete rubbish and so discriminating. My parents who would be in their 90s certainly didn’t think like that .

The irony is my mum expects me to be running around and helping etc.
They didn't help with my kids growing up and through difficult times such as when I went through a difficult divorce.
I went out of my way to make sure my kids got an excellent education and they both out earn me in their mid twenties.
My mother thought/thinks education is for boys.
I went to uni as a mature student and am still paying off student debt. Makes me so angry considering I could have gone for free.

I’d be really interested please if someone could explain the terms, GenX, GenZ, Millenials, Silent Generation etc. Like on this thread I often see these terms but have no idea what ages they relate to. It would help me to understand more.
Take Boomers. A PP referred to herself as a Boomer yet said she had children still under teenage.
Now I was born just after the war, mid 40s, and we were always referred to as the Boomer generation on account of the huge increase in the birth rate as the men returned from the war compared to the previous six years, no way could I have children pre teens, mine are all grown up with families of their own.

“I’m a 1949 dob, first child in 1972 then 1984 and 1986. In the 1950’s we played out between meals, we magically recognised dinner and tea time and ran home. There was hardly any traffic, we played ball games in the streets. As teenagers in the 1960’s we had untold freedoms.
my parents were kind, never smacked, raised voices rare yet we knew boundaries

“You're slightly older than me and I recognise this. My parents didn't smack because they didn't need to, a look was pretty much all it took. Same with teachers - I can only recall one who used corporal punishment. School punishment when I moved to secondary was a detention, and when you ambled home late and told your DM why, it was regarded as learning a very useful life lesson not to do that again.”

I can relate to all this even though my mother always worked, as we lived with my grandmother & there was always someone around but the freedom we had bears no resemblance to these days. Perfectly normal to disappear for hours “ playing out” as long as you were home for meals.If anyone got in trouble at school parents would agree with the teacher, politeness was instilled. “Please may I leave the table” after a meal etc. I suppose it sounds archaic now but it was how things were.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_Generation#/media/File:Generation_timeline.svg

This classification system comes from the US. I find it intensely irritating.

Thank you. Who’d have known 😂

I am 59 years old.
There are good and bad parents in every generation. I have seen people talk about parenting in the past that they see as normal that would have been considered bad parenting then. But there are real changes. I think these are caused by -

The idea of quality parenting. When more middle class mothers started working full time in the eighties it was still controversial. The media was full of articles saying their children will be damaged as a result of being in childcare. Then someone wrote a book saying that what mattered was not the amount of time you spent with your child, but the quality of that time.

That was seized on by magazines who wrote articles about it and by mothers feeling guilty. I still see people on MN trotting out quality over quantity. But I don't think it is true. Quality parenting just means lots of experiences, making memories, and putting the child at the centre of the family. And that is not good for children. They need to be important in a family, but not to be put first most or all of the time.

The rise of individualism where what matters is the individual rather than the wider family or community. Again this makes the child the centre of the world. You see it on here with posts saying children should not be forced to visit grandparents when they would rather be at home, Children need obligations and social responsibilities that are age appropriate. They need to know they are not the only ones in a family that matters and others matter as well.

The loss of free play. I think children need free play as much as they need love from a parent. But the rise of supervised activities to replace playing out, means free play is much rarer. And you end up with some children who do not know how to play unless directed by an adult.

Divorce and blended families. Not always a negative thing, but especially with blended families lots of adults do seem to minimise their children's issues and feelings around this.

The rise of therapy. Therapy can be helpful, but it is not good for our mental health to ruminate on every small thing that goes wrong. We do need to learn to brush off things. It is the mental equivalent of when we teach small children that get minor scratches or bumps that yes that hurt, now lets move on. Instead we encourage children to ruminate and focus on every negative thing that happens.

Internet and smartphones - people need face to face contact. The internet does not replace that. And children and teenagers also need face to face contact to learn social skills, build relationships and learn how to be happy. Social media also encourages introspection, a victim mentality and to compare ourselves with people who are more successful in every area of their life. It is bound to make teenagers feel unhappy.

I roll my eyes particularly at the so called Silent Generation. That's my parents. I never found anyone of that generation particularly quiet!

Lets be clear though an anxiety disorder which many young teenagers suffer with, alongside panic disorder is a lot more severe than anxiety.
I think it's ironic that this generation are hell bent on shaming the life out of our younger generation when you only have to look at this forum to see clearly where the root of the problem lies.

Born in the 50s so one of those! I had a great upbringing and happy childhood but definitely brought up to be quite independent and resilient. DS is 31 so a Millennial. He's independent, good job, has lived in several countries and lived away since university. Being an only perhaps meant he got a lot of attention but it also made him both comfortable with his own company, yet good at making friends.