Did boomers get it right?

[GreyGoosehound]

I’ve lurked on several recent posts about deteriorating behaviour in schools, with increasing violence and 4 and 5 year olds who don’t have basic skills.

I’ve also seen threads and SM posts about boomers, mainly negative. But it’s also acknowledged that GenX are quite a hardy, resilient bunch.

I am generation X, and have brought up my genZ children differently to how I was raised. I was more present in their lives, made huge efforts to meet their needs in a way that my parents didn’t, as did many other parents in my age group.

You don’t need to look hard to find criticism of Millenials and GenZ, and GenAlpha (2012+) are commonly discussed as nightmare fodder.

Did the benign neglect and distanced parenting of boomers work better for growing children? Did the freedom that GenX had make a huge difference in their development?

I know there are global issues that contribute - the internet must have made a huge difference to both parenting and in child development, financially GenX had an easier time of becoming independent from parents, all this will have an effect.

I wonder if this is just a blip in human development, or how genZ and future generations will parent their children in response to how they were parented.
Thought this would make an interesting discussion.

Could be many things. This particular therapist mentioned their childhoods and was linking it to the fact that it was the generation when women were going back out to work in droves, and there was a gap in childcare that hadn’t been filled just yet, so many children were left on their own until their parents got home. I think there was a lot of feelings of abandonment.

Can you elaborate on the Thatcher generation comment please?
Not arguing, just interested in what you mean.
I was very young in the Thatcher years so don’t have many memories of it.

I think it’s easy to generalise, people parent differently in all generations. I read threads on here about people born in the 60s/70s and how they were parented and it’s the total opposite to my own childhood experience . Likewise my husband is a boomer and I am just into Gen x and we have likely done things differently to many other people and more like my parents in that I stayed home and worked very Pt ( 1 night per week) to bring my children up .

A toddler absolutely does and should understand 'No' and can understand 'don't jump on the sofa'.

For me, this attitude is a problem; it creates children who think they are in charge and can do whatever they want, whenever they want. The children I know like this are difficult and exhausting to care for.

Permissive parenting, both working full time (so tired when home) compensating with material things rather than time, and being self occupied with the glowing object in our pockets (yes the thing I'm typing into) all contribute for sure. My kids are adults so just fall into gen y I believe, I'm gen x. My kids do appreciate my stricter parenting style to the extent my dd has asked for me to help with childcare not her mil who is a softer touch (quite complex reasons but this isn't standard childcare)

I think boundaries are really important, and I think that includes for adults - I swear if o owned a restaurant I'd confiscate phones at the door for all, talk to you friends and family, not just kids, adults too!

I liked my childhood. We were outside a lot doing our own thing. Or upstairs, lost in imaginative play. Mum would bring us to the shops, or chips in a cafe as a day out. We went on holidays to Butlins, camping, Spain etc… I liked the security of having mum at home. My dad worked 9 to 5. Went to the pub on Friday. My parents weren’t strict, but dad was in charge for sure!

With my child, I want him to have freedom. He plays outside. He doesn’t use phones / devices. I’d like to use mine less (phone / laptop for work) but don’t use it when out. I’d like him to do a couple of activities he likes (he love preschool) in the summer. He’s only 4 now, and I know tech will be a big part of his school / social life. I think that’s much bigger than we think…

Why don't you start by reading the book? I have...

I don't think the body of evidence for "working through" feelings is anywhere near as solid for adults, let alone for children, as you think it is. It's not about telling children not to feel things, but that in many cases your feelings are out of proportion to the reality of the situation, and spending too much time with those feelings just amplifies the negative emotions.

A younger colleague of mine though (35. I’m 48) said that she thinks we’re doing it all wrong… Both her & husband work FT in high pressure jobs. Two small kids in wraparound childcare. They’re moving closer to grandparents / relatives now, as it’s simply unsustainable. They have the house, the cars, everything. But, she said they have no quality of life…

Are there really big differences in how the generations parent? If I take my friendship group, I can see a spread of parenting style. Same with the families I grew up amongst. There are parenting styles I disagree with such as over-scheduling, lack of freedom, academic pressure and molly-coddling. But I've seen that in action my whole conscious life. I parent very similar to my parents. My parent's recollection of childhood aren't that different to my own. I think the most important thing is just stability & love. And not interfering too much! If there's some sort of ND, it's more complicated than that obviously. I don't think we place enough emphasis as a society on a good night's sleep and playing out with your mates.

You've just described a way of working through your feelings though haven't you. Not saying 'never mind' or 'don't be sad'. I'm not arguing for changing the world to suit your feelings just against telling people not to have them, which is pretty much what my boomer parents - and many of my friends' too - did.

One thing that I’ve noticed among my fellow Gen X parents is the tendency to helicopter and hover over children -and personally I think that’s not healthy. Older children (teens and young adults) do need to learn how to navigate life without their parents breathing down their necks all the time. Yes, we’re always here for advice, but sometimes we need to keep our noses out of their business and let them make decisions/ work things out!

I hope that parents of younger children learn from this and let their children do more for themselves.

So what if they’re on the phone or the kid has a dummy? And I’m so glad that those toilet training rules are obsolete now, or my son would be stuck at home because of his global development delay. Smacking children was much more normalised then too, which is just ridiculous. So much better nowadays imo!

I'm Gen X and I have a Gen Z and a Gen A. I think in general parenting has gone too soft. Kids are often not expected to feel bored, or hungry or disappointed or anxious for a single second, although those are all perfectly normal things to feel within certain parameters. I do think this reduces the opportunity to develop resilience. A lot of kids drop out of things as soon as they find it slightly boring or challenging. I see it sometimes in the workplace among our junior staff. Half of them wimp out of parts of the job because they don't want to do the parts that are more difficult or uninteresting. The other half throw themselves in and progress quickly. The resilient ones leapfrog over the whingers (who then whinge about why they didn't get the same opportunities).

I had Boomer parents and the thing I most disliked was the absolute lack of autonomy. I felt like my parents expected us to be an extension of them or some sort of obedient pet/possession. I don't remember what I thought or felt ever being something they took into account. This is the bit I'm deliberately doing differently.

My parents were the silent generation and i am early Gen x. I was allowed so much freedom, travelling overnight on the train to London when i was 12, i was left home alone at 14 when they went on holiday for 2 weeks. I was expected to help out in the family business from a very young age.. I had lots of older family to lavish attention on me but my parents were busy and as the last of 4 i was just expected to get on with it. I knew i was loved and adored but i was never smothered. I had everything i ever wanted and much more than friends but i was never allowed to be a spoiled brat.
My childhood was great, freedom and boundries, love and rules, encouragement and expectations. It couldn't have been better.

There were some fucking awful boomer parents, racist, homophobic, sexist, amongst other despicable qualities. If you added in modern day smart phones oh my word, it doesn't bare to think about.

Oh the whole I would say Dads have improved.

And I know there are some dreadful parents this very day.

There were and are also some great parents.

Individuals get it right/wrong not sweeping generations.

Ugh these threads on comparing generations don’t go well as they usually end up with a lot of parent blame and calling kids today for their ‘lack of resilience’ 🥱

What those people fail to understand is that older generations have ALWAYS through history had a negative view towards the younger generations.

Take this quote for example
“The worst part is that they don’t care what people—their mothers and fathers and uncles and aunts—think of them. They haven’t any sense of shame, honor or duty . . . they don’t care about anything except pleasure” from 1926!

Also see this meme:

I'm Gen X and my parents are silent generation.
I've been in therapy about my childhood issues.
Basic needs met but no emotional needs met really would sum it up.
I had some health issues and was often sent to school ill and had to be sent home. No medical advice sought.
I would never have confided in my parents about anything that was wrong in my life.
Was very clever at school but made to leave to go onto a yts scheme. A teacher intervened and they let me get a proper job.
My mother had no patience and was angry a lot of the time.
My kids were born in the 90s and had a very different experience.
One actually works in mental health.

Why are children being parented like this though?
Are there swathes of parents who think teaching no is tantamount to abuse? I can’t get my head round children (barring SN) being brought up with no boundaries.

I'm a millennial, with parents right on the border of boomer/gen x, my parents weren't hands off as such, but they didn't constantly feel the need to entertain me, I've recently had this conversation with friends when planning for the Easter holidays, we've planned so much stuff but when I was a kid, days out were a really rare treat, it was out in the garden entertaining yourself for the majority of the school holidays, with the occasional cinema/swimming trip or a walk round to the park. These days people seem happy to spend hundreds to entertain their kids for a few hours.

What does this even mean? That mum’s shouldn’t be on their phones and children shouldn’t have dummies?

I think that was loads and in 80 highly unusual - but then DH and I both grew up in working class areas where no-one really did that amount. We live in similar area now very working class and most families do that amount now.

It is eye opening though that some one with those opportunities just takes them for granted as normal because to them they were. I expect my kids will be the same - all the days out, lessons, groups, meals out - shear logistics of getting them to them and then worrying about paying - those opportunities and experiences we worked so hard to give them just taken for granted because it is their normal.

It was a big thing for me to be able to pay for secondary trips aboard for my DC - as my parents never could for us and I did feel left out at times - haven't been able to say yes to them all but some. I wonder if all I've done is make sure my kids didn't feel left out - just avoided them experiencing the negative emotions I had and I really didn't think I had been doing that.

All of the "older generations have always had a negative view of children" criticisms are fair but they ignore the fact that childhood mental health is going down the tubes. The stats on suicidal ideation, depressive episodes, self harm etc are shocking. The kids are not alright and it's right that we ask what we could do differently.

I'm a millennial raised by gen x parents who although had relatively happy childhoods spent most of it in boarding schools (which he loved) and/or entertaining themselves. I was brought up differently and very close with my parents, all my needs met and plenty of quality time however I was also not getting away with shit behaviour left right and centre like I see most of the mums my age allowing under the guise of gentle parenting.
I think it's important to let children grow into who they are and give them a sense of independence, but I also think good manners, respect for themselves and others as well as knowing whats right and wrong should be instilled.

To add, I think social media and the allowing of young children (anyone under 16) on it constantly is the biggest detriment to children.

I’m 66 and I see it as a pendulum swinging back and forth. I was a teen in the 70’s my parents were totally uninvolved in my life and thought of me as mature and able to make the right decisions from 10-12. Believe me they were WRONG. So I went the other route total helicopter. My dd parenting a blend although inconsistent. Funny enough my daughter in law, although woke, is FIRM, that woman knows how to set boundaries! I totally admire her parenting.