Sad about female relative.

[Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon]

She is in a 1930’s relationship and I am sad for her.

She is a fully grown adult, home owner, full time great job that she loves.
But she does “womens work”, he goes to work and does nothing apart from goes to the gym.

It makes be so sad for her, frustrated too.

I can see through experienced eyes, the burnout, the overwhelming feeling of resentment in later years.
What bothers me is that she doesn’t deserve this life.
There is nothing I can do or say as she is blind to it. Thinks it’s perfectly ok and normal.

No kids, no physical abuse, definitely coercive control from day one and neither of them see it as an issue because it’s the way they were raised and it’s what they have always done.
It’s just a shit life for her from the outside looking in.

Just reflecting on my mil who died (it’s her anniversary today) and this was her life, utter utter regret of sticking it out for the last 20 years of her marriage.
Sad today.

has she ever even remotely said to you that she’s unhappy?

no kids!

Oh come on. If she chooses to stay in an clean whilst her husband at the gym… that’s on her

Oh lord, I couldn't worry about this. You cant be more concerned about her life than she is. If she has chosen this and is fine with it then its up to her isnt it.

I couldn't think of anything worse personally but not everyone thinks the same as me so its none of my business.

Some women like doing all the housework. Or at least don't seem to resent it.

My mil doesn't understand what I'm such a slattern because she enjoys housework and doesn't seem able to comprehend that not everyone is the same. She isn't very bright.

Back to your friend, unless she has shared that she is frustrated or unhappy with her domestic set up, I would put it down to her choice.

If she does all the housework that is between them, but to make it fair she should go part time at work 😁

Is it her house? Are they married?

No kids, so either she lacks intelligence and doesn't know how to apply for a job or it is her choice

I have a friend who wouldn't let her husband do any housework because he 'couldn't do it right'. It takes all sorts.

so she has a full time job she loves
home owner
no kids

she chooses not to go to the gym when her partner goes

is that what you’re “sad” about?

First time I've heard of a 1930's relationship - which to be honest would be very different from what you describe. How do you know exactly what happens in their home? Why would you feel sorry for her?

she has a full time job “she loves”!

?? Sorry, what.
No kids so lacks intelligence and doesn’t know how to apply for a job?? She works full time and doesn’t lack intelligence!
What a bizarre statement.

yes it was a bizarre statement. The poster hasn’t bothered to read the thread

mind you, your “sadness” at this scenario is also a bit “bizarre”!

Male entitlement, acceptance of this situation.
Acceptance that because you are a female, it’s your “job” to do housework and all domestic jobs.
Accepting that it’s ok for a female to come home from a full time job and start the cleaning and cooking and for the make to come in from work, kick the shoes off and wait to be fed.
Every weekend, cleaning, laundry, gardening, shopping, while he swans off to the gym, puts his sweaty gym clothes in the wash for her to see to.
It’s a shit life.

maybe she enjoys that

i i know that pre children i LOVED it when partner would go to gym at weekend and id potter around the house cleaning and cooking

are you happy Op?

All you can do when people are in abusive or toxic red is keep your relationship with them. Keep communicating and be there for them when they finally realise.

Pp's lack of understanding of coercive control is wild.

So it other choice

It’s a shit life

I mean, I dont disagree but if she is happy with the status quo then I'm not really sure it's your business to do anything about it. It's her life. What if she said to you she felt sad you didnt live like a 1930s housewife- I'm sure you wouldnt immediately change the way you live to suit her so why would she do anything based on your opinion?

I just dont think there is any point in dwelling on this- she has chosen what she wants and you have to accept that

Was this her second husband? I’m a bit confused because you say it’s your MIL but she had no kids.

if she’s already passed away try to reflect on the positive things in her life not the negatives that no longer exist anyway.

it’s all a bit scrambled isn’t it

i suspect there’s more to this

It may seem to you it's a shitty and unfair split of chores, but your friend may be very happy with it. You seem to be projecting your thoughts onto it.

Possibly your friend actually likes cleaning and housework - pre DC I used to really enjoy it, I loved keeping my home nice and cooking for my partner. I also worked full time. Without kids and in a 1 bed flat there wasn't many hours of work involved.

Also, your friend might split tasks so her partner might take on other things like life admin, paying bills, sorting insurance, booking holidays, DIY. The point is, if the set up works for them and she's happy there's no need for you to be sad. If she's unhappy then that's a different conversation to be had.

The thing is that it’s not the 1930s and if her capacity for putting up with male entitlement dwindles in her 40s, as it does for many of us, she will have options that your mil probably didn’t have.

Exactly. It sounds fine to me.

So it’s the anniversary of my mils death today and I have been reflecting.
This was the life that she had with fil. She was miserable and voiced deep deep regret about living like this becashe thought she had to. She hated fil in the end.

I now see this path in my other relatives Life, who I feel sad for. She is definitely heading for burnout or some form of mh crisis trying to manage it all.