Sad about female relative.

[Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon]

She is in a 1930’s relationship and I am sad for her.

She is a fully grown adult, home owner, full time great job that she loves.
But she does “womens work”, he goes to work and does nothing apart from goes to the gym.

It makes be so sad for her, frustrated too.

I can see through experienced eyes, the burnout, the overwhelming feeling of resentment in later years.
What bothers me is that she doesn’t deserve this life.
There is nothing I can do or say as she is blind to it. Thinks it’s perfectly ok and normal.

No kids, no physical abuse, definitely coercive control from day one and neither of them see it as an issue because it’s the way they were raised and it’s what they have always done.
It’s just a shit life for her from the outside looking in.

Just reflecting on my mil who died (it’s her anniversary today) and this was her life, utter utter regret of sticking it out for the last 20 years of her marriage.
Sad today.

Strange to call it a "1930s" life.
So she food shops daily or every other day (no fridge or freezer) and cooks from scratch every day?
I doubt it.
Washing - once a week in a tub with a mangle?
I doubt it.
Scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees followed by bashing dust from rugs out in the yard?
I doubt it.
Burning her sanitary towels in the back yard?
I doubt it.
Making her own clothes?
Well maybe - a lot of people do that.
If she is about to have a break down just because her husband doesn't do housework - then there has got to be more to it.
It won't just because of that.

A female in my family is married without children. She does all the cooking and cleaning. Her husband does the jobs that don’t have to be done so often eg window cleaning, chimney sweeping, painting etc.
Both work four days a week. They both seem perfectly happy with their ‘roles’.

My DH does most of the grocery shopping, all the cooking and tries new recipes that take hours every week because he enjoys cooking. . He’s rubbish at doing maintenance around the house. It drives me insane. There is no need for us to spend a fortune on ingredients and eat late every evening because he doesn’t want to eat the simple food that I’d cook - carbonara. stir fries, quick curries.
He irons but spends hours with little to show fur it. I’m much more efficient ironing and don’t mind it.

Each to their own but don’t assume that because your friend and her DH adopt traditional roles, that they are unhappy.
In my house, we don’t adopt traditional roles and I am not any happier.

I wonder if she knows you pity her so much.

She is not comparable to your MIL as your MIL had children to raise, and everything that comes with them. There really isn't that much "wifework" for a married professional child free couple who are presumably out all day during the week.

I don't think that's a description of a 1930's marriage OP.

What has your relative expressed to you?

Mm. 1930’s marriage, OP? What a strange thing to say.

I’m in my mid fifties and live deep in the country in a very traditional marriage. I can’t drive either so I’m just here on the farm with the animals, the housework, my hobbies and the accounts all day while my husband goes out to work. He does woodwork and mends things at weekends. He’s by no means perfect but I’m truly not unhappy. I don’t have children, that makes a huge difference - I wouldn’t have chosen this set up if I had.

I chose this life and (due to the isolation and the farm work) it won’t work forever but I love it. I know that someone else looking in would be absolutely horrified and start going on about ‘archaic’ and ‘coercive’…they’d be wrong.

Unless you know for sure that your relative is unhappy/oppressed, don’t asssume her life is terrible. OK, a life that looks like that wouldn’t be for you. We’re not all the same.

I’m sorry for your loss and sorry your mil’s life was unfulfilled.
But working , no kids and doing the housework with 21st technology is nothing like bringing up children in the 60/70’s.

Maybe it looks like a shit life to you but it's the life she's chosen. Maybe she's happy with it, who knows?

Agree. There can't be that much to do, ffs there are only 2 of them and no one in the house all day. They probably need to throw on a few washes on a Saturday morning and vacuum once a week. Batch cook 2 or 3 nights a week. Get pre made stuff from the supermarket, they can afford that with no kids. Her dh should be helping of course but honestly i can't understand how basic minimum life tasks can be causing MH problems unless those problems pre exist.

Her dh should be helping of course but honestly i can't understand how basic minimum life tasks can be causing MH problems unless those problems pre exist

Good point. They cannot have huge mountains of laundry and endless cleaning from just the two of them. This whole OP is just weird- it's like the OP is determined to pity this woman when she hasn't ever expressed that she's even unhappy. If this woman was living alone she'd still have to clean her house and do her laundry- I did when I was single, I managed to do it without having a breakdown 😐

@TheNewDeer

From running around after her DH. Men like that tend to very demanding & draining, on top of a full time job. Possibly other caring responsibilities/work stress/whatever

i agree though in 2024, she has options IF she wants to take them.

.

This thread will be all about the OP feeling very unhappy with her own life.

This relative…. in a full time job she loves, home owner, unmarried, no children? The OP is trying to convince herself that the relative isn’t happy. To distract herself from her own happiness

aside from him going to the gym, we have no information about this man!

and certainly none to indicate he’s demanding and draining?