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Original poster

What would you do here - dp, adult child, moving in.

63 replies

WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:18

Dp and I have been together for around 6 years.

He would like us to move in together.

I would also like us to move in together.

However he has an adult child who I absolutely hate (for very good reason) and I have made it clear that he will not darken the doorstep of my home ever again.

I can go into all the reasons if you like but they are absolutely valid and I cannot stand the guy.

Dp is absolutely fine with this. But then I think what would I do if he banned on of my dc from my house, and he would be 100% gone, even if my dc were 50 they would come before him.

I have sat and thought about forgiving him, and I just can't, dp fully understands this, and they see each other and whatever, I never ask, I have PTSD surrounding the situation so dp doesn't even mention his name in front of me tbh.

Would it be selfish of me to move my dp in with the full understanding his kid can never come to our home?

OP posts:
floormops · 23/03/2024 20:28

I wouldn't move him in. Keep your home and your independence. You can still have a relationship and avoid the issues with his son completely.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 23/03/2024 20:28

I wouldnt live together until it can be equal. Does your dp still see his child. what is their relationship like? Its a tough one this OP bless you

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2024 20:32

Have you had brutally honest conversations with your DP about how things will work?

That for you there are no exceptions - no popping in when either are ill, no meeting up to travel to a funeral together, no dropping in birthday or Christmas presents even if there are grandchildren in the future?

TBH I’d be very wary of moving in with a man who was happy enough for his child to be banned from the home if he is still in contact with them - I’d assume he’ll start pushing back against it once he was in an settled.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2024 20:33

Sounds safer to continue living apart.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2024 20:33

Sounds safer to continue living apart.

This. Or splitting up.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:35

What is your partner’s living situation now?

FlyingDuck5 · 23/03/2024 20:37

If you stay together, live apart.

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:37

They are still in contact, I don't know how much, but at least weekly I think.

He's been asking for months and I have been absolutely honest, his child has to have zero contact with me, not allowed into my home, even if dp lives here.

I'll never stop them having a relationship, I'll never put a spanner in the works with their arrangements, I just want to forget the guy even exists.

I've asked him what he expects of he is living here and he gets sick, and he said he totally understands what his son did and that he would be unable to see him under those circumstances.

I feel like a absolute cow, but I made too many compromises when there was contact and my mental and physical heath suffered massively.

DP seems on board, but then I think to myself well I wouldn't do what I'm suggesting... I just don't know.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/03/2024 20:40

I would not move in. It’s just not a situation that is sustainable.

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:41

Partner is in a flat share situation (the kid is banned from there too after abuse towards the housemate).

He would move here.

I wouldn't be putting his name on anything and my home would remain mine.

I'm hurtling towards 50 at a fast pace now, I love dp and would be happy with him, as we have been for the last 6 years, and I would love to move forward, but then I think would we get married without his kid there, what happens when said kid has a baby, or gets married and his wife wants to visit or whatever.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/03/2024 20:43

What happens if your DP gets sick or has an accident? Or if grandkids come along?

I think your gut is warning you for good reason

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:45

For the last 4 years we have happily remained without seeing each other.

There was a funeral we both attended and I sat with dp while kid sat with other family and disappeared afterwards.

It's difficult because it feels make or break, but I love dp, and he loves me, and I'm happy with him, so that makes it harder to think about walking away and finding someone to actually have a future with instead of this limbo of not being able to move forward.

OP posts:
MissRabbitIsABoss · 23/03/2024 20:46

From what you have said, sounds like DP would already be under the understanding that his adult kid wouldn't be moving in...? Sounds like he has a full understanding of your feelings and respects them so I would be surprised if was thinking that "child" would be coming too

KeepingItUnderTheRadar · 23/03/2024 20:46

What happens if your DP gets sick or has an accident?

This.

Your 'never darken my doorstep' is unfair and unrealistic. If it's to be your oh's home, you need to bend a little. If you can't, don't move in together.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:47

Look, you know his son is going to be in your home if this carries on. Once your partner moves in, and he knows it is his home too, it will only be a matter of time.

So it is your home he will be moving in to. What is your partner bringing into the relationship?

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 23/03/2024 20:47

Whatever the circumstances I ,like you I suspect, feel and know that no one would ever tell me what I could or couldnt do with any of my children grown or not. I understand your position but this is unworkable. He would not be the man you thought he was truly if he could abandon his own child regardless. He is his flesh and blood and that trumps anything in my book. Sorry lovely you probably didnt want to hear that but it was meant with kindness.It is too big of an ask of dp.

Fortitudinal · 23/03/2024 20:50

“Son, @WWYDselfishedition is out this afternoon so pop over but just for half an hour, ok? See you in a bit.”

Is the first inevitable step.

Fortitudinal · 23/03/2024 20:52

He is used to balancing the two relationships under the understanding/cover of your unknowing, he will continue to do so but in a new format where eventually the son does infiltrate your home.

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:53

It's a massive ask, but he's already living somewhere his child is banned from.

He is also banned from another 2 family members houses.

If it was just me then I would absolutely think this is a me problem and I am being unfair, but for at least the last 3 years dp and kid have been meeting up for a meal or having a weekend away together or whatever, so in a lot of ways things wouldn't change.

But then that's other people imposing those regulations and not me, and, despite the things he has done he's still dps kid.

Dp works, he does bring a lot onto the relationship, he's a good guy, and would absolutely pay his way. He isn't looking for an easy home to live in or anything like that, he could have found a lot easier than here and me to deal with if that were the case.

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:57

WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 20:53

It's a massive ask, but he's already living somewhere his child is banned from.

He is also banned from another 2 family members houses.

If it was just me then I would absolutely think this is a me problem and I am being unfair, but for at least the last 3 years dp and kid have been meeting up for a meal or having a weekend away together or whatever, so in a lot of ways things wouldn't change.

But then that's other people imposing those regulations and not me, and, despite the things he has done he's still dps kid.

Dp works, he does bring a lot onto the relationship, he's a good guy, and would absolutely pay his way. He isn't looking for an easy home to live in or anything like that, he could have found a lot easier than here and me to deal with if that were the case.

Then why is he choosing to live in a 1. A house share and 2. One where his son is banned?

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 23/03/2024 21:01

Is mental health an issue with dps son? If so again a huge ask but could you not all get together and instead of him being banned from everywhere and living a pretty hopeless existance as it sounds like the son is,couldnt you all for the sake of everybody instead of ignoring and banning work together to get him the help he needs? It would surely benefit the whole wider family going forward? Coming together would have to be better than pulling apart however hard it seems?

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 21:02

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/03/2024 20:57

Then why is he choosing to live in a 1. A house share and 2. One where his son is banned?

Show quote history

Currently the house share is with a family member, they split up with their partner and so dp has been helping out financially until they got back on their feet again, it coincided with him having to move anyway.

Family member is doing a lot better now and so dp and I are discussing moving in together. If he doesn't move in here then he will get somewhere on his own.

It just feels a bit make or break at this point. I don't really want to just be dating at my age really.

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 23/03/2024 21:06

I’m assuming this adult child is dangerous in some way.

The reason does make a difference as to how manageable the situation is in those life and death situations.

Original poster
WWYDselfishedition · 23/03/2024 21:07

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 23/03/2024 21:01

Is mental health an issue with dps son? If so again a huge ask but could you not all get together and instead of him being banned from everywhere and living a pretty hopeless existance as it sounds like the son is,couldnt you all for the sake of everybody instead of ignoring and banning work together to get him the help he needs? It would surely benefit the whole wider family going forward? Coming together would have to be better than pulling apart however hard it seems?

I don't think it's mental health tbh, he's just a selfish human being who only cares about money and himself.

I did try to fix things, dp, son and I arranged a meal together, I asked why he said/did the things he did and he laughed and it all absolutely descended into chaos from there.

Even after that I invited him to my home for an event and he was just awful and shitty and broke something on purpose so that's where I drew the line.

He isn't a good person.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 23/03/2024 21:23

I’m going against the consensus here. I don’t think you should have to live separately because of the actions of a third person. By doing that hasn’t his son exerted power over you both?
If your DP became ill/ had an accident what would his son actually be able to do? Probably nothing to help and you’d be able to say half hour visit at X time on X day and you’d make sure a male friend or relative was there to make sure he behaved. But you may never have this scenario happen.
You take control, you set the rules.