What would you do here - dp, adult child, moving in.

[WWYDselfishedition]

Dp and I have been together for around 6 years.

He would like us to move in together.

I would also like us to move in together.

However he has an adult child who I absolutely hate (for very good reason) and I have made it clear that he will not darken the doorstep of my home ever again.

I can go into all the reasons if you like but they are absolutely valid and I cannot stand the guy.

Dp is absolutely fine with this. But then I think what would I do if he banned on of my dc from my house, and he would be 100% gone, even if my dc were 50 they would come before him.

I have sat and thought about forgiving him, and I just can't, dp fully understands this, and they see each other and whatever, I never ask, I have PTSD surrounding the situation so dp doesn't even mention his name in front of me tbh.

Would it be selfish of me to move my dp in with the full understanding his kid can never come to our home?

You cannot live with someone whose child is never allowed in the house.

As with many couples, over lockdown dp moved in here temporarily, my hand was forced a bit as I had cancer and was struggling and had no other help and the rules didn't allow people to be coming back and forth helping out at that time.

Dp asked if his son could also move in temporarily as his mother went to her boyfriends and didn't want him in the house alone.

His son did stupid shit like eat all of the only food I could eat, 'mislay' my meds he had no business touching, 'accidently' break things, then it got into him talking loudly to his friends about me having cancer laughing and saying that he can't wait for me to die, coughing in my face when I was going through chemo and obviously scared about covid, taking his friend's into the house when I was isolating through covid/chemo, threw something at me when I had my op, started doing some psychological stuff like moving things and calling me mental, telling me I had just called him the name of my child who died (I absolutely hadn't, but at that time I was on so many pain meds he made me feel like I was crazy), setting alarms on my phone when i was asleep on the couch and telling me i did it, changing appointments in my phone calander (I put an app on and changed my passcode so it took a photo when the wrong one got put in so thats how i caught him) basically just a nasty and sustained bullying campaign through my cancer when I wasn't strong enough to be standing up for myself really. I have been diagnosed with PTSD since due to it. It was a very traumatic time.

DP was working long hours and then looking after me, so I didn't tell him as much as I should have at the time as he was super stressed out and had so much on.

When I did finally break and tell him then it was resolved within a day and I had peace again, so I take my share of the blame for not speaking up, but I needed help, and I wasn't sure if dp would move out and I would be on my own at that stage or what so I made some poor decisions too, which I wouldn't now, but I was on so much medication, my head was all over the place.

He's not violent as such, but he issues a lot of threats and there's a lot of nasty language.

Are you not worried if this lame excuse of a father can so easily throw his own son under a bus, just to make his own life easier, what he's capable of doing to you?
Most messed up young men have a even bigger messed up father.
I would run a mile. This has disaster all over it.

I’d be very very very wary…. If what his son has done is so bad, then why does your DP still speak to him?

You said this:

”I feel like an absolute cow, but I made too many compromises when there was contact and my mental and physical heath suffered massively.”

Dont risk this again OP. Just don’t.

Not really, his son is awful, he knows it, but hasn't abandoned him, like everyone else has (with good reason, but still, they have).

Dp has stuck by my side throughout a pretty brutal few years as well while balancing his relationship with his son. If he can stick by me through cancer, chemo and a pretty savage op at fairly early days I don't think he will drop me any time soon.

I have no issues with dp, I have a huge issue with his son.

He never even contemplated wanting us to move in together (after all the shit that happened) until his son got into his flat share and settled into a job.

This is truly horrific I think he sounds potentially dangerous. I wouldn’t be putting myself at risk by moving in together

How old is he?

He's still his dad.

If one of my dc did what his son did I would still have a relationship with them, not the same, but I would. It's hard to walk away from your own kid.

He is 22/23 now. So 18/19 when it all happened. 16ish when his dad and I got together.

His mums (now) husband had a lot of issues with the kid and they don't speak at all now either. Although he goes to the house as far as I'm aware.

The family member dp lives with doesn't speak to him, and dps mum doesn't either after a pretty savage bullying campaign against her too when he lived there temporarily.

He's not a good person.

After your updates I definitely wouldn’t move him in.

Your DP is still in weekly contact with someone who abused his partner and his mother. Not mention the other things he’s done.

Breaking contact with a child is an incredibly hard thing to do. My exes mum has frequently been in tears over having to do it. Everyone should have a line, even for their child, and your DP either doesn’t have one or he can’t stand up to his child.

Frankly, you’d be mad to put your home at risk by moving your DP in in those circumstances

I really wouldn't risk it. Although your DP says he would stick to the agreement, what if his son ended up sick or homeless and needed looking after? You could find yourself a few years down the line feeling pressured to allow him to visit 'just this time' it's a slippery slope. Can't your DP get a small place near you and he can still spend plenty of time at yours but he'll have somewhere his son can visit?

He sounds like a sociopath. I’d be terrified he’d work his way back into the house slowly if his dad moved in.

It seems like you're set on this and don't want to listen to posts saying not to do it. But fwiw this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Agree. I worry for you if you go down this route.

I'm not set on it at all, just explaining the circumstances.

Dp is great, he and I are great.

He's in a very difficult position, and I get that.

Dp and I are 6 years in and want to move forward.

If we don't move forward then we potentially have to split because I don't want to just be dating forever more. I'm getting too old for that shit, I just want a bit of normality.

The problem is his son is awful, and I'm asking advice about that and what the downfalls could be and what's fair for both dp and I.

If I wanted to move him in then I would have done it ages ago.

The son would be far more likely to move to the mother's house at this point if something happened. I also recognise dp would be in a hard position if her husband put his foot down too.

I do worry that he would try and get here just to mess with me more than anything, I don't think dp would allow him.... but I can't be 100% sure.

It's just hard, possibly walking away from a man I love, who's supported me, because of that little shit, who's going to continually ruin everything for his dad anyway.

You don't have an issue with your partner. You have an issue with his son.

Your DP has one issue with his partner. She has an issue with his son.

Right now, you don't live together and everything is fine between you because you don't have the grind of everyday life and day in and day out familiarity affecting the relationship.

DP says he understands you don't want the son anywhere near you or your house but you said it yourself, he doesn't want to turn his back on his son because at the end of the day, it's his son. But say you move DP in and he gives you all the promises that the son won't set foot through your door and fast forward a couple of years when the relationship has lost a little bit of that sparkle, will he still be honouring your request or will he be thinking you should have gotten over it?

What if the son gets ill or claims that he's changed? What if you still say no? Will DP still be so understanding that you won't give his son another chance? Will DP end up resenting you because you made him choose you over his son? I know that you aren't making him choose but how sure are you that DP will not start feeling this way somewhere down the line, especially if Grandkids start coming along. All of these things would be a strain on even the strongest of relationships.

Also, suppose DP DOES keep his word, how can you be sure that the son won't turn up anywhere and at any point and get nasty/violent with you because he see you as being the problem?

You need to be careful here OP. I think you would be crazy to move DP.

Bottom line is, what is more important here? Your relationship with your DP which let's face it, you can continue to have living SEPARATELY or your safety and mental health? For me, it's a no brainer.

Good luck.

Problem is there’s no way of moving your DP into your house without increasing the risk of exposure to his son.

Your DP sounds like a good guy but as you’ve identified there are any number of scenarios where the boundaries might be breached in future. He still sees his son regularly. It’s not clear how your DP managed to sort his son’s vile behaviour out straightaway once he became aware of it, but you’d be dependent on him holding the line for your well-being.

The son sounds genuinely menacing. Personally I value my security and peace of mind so highly that I would not put my relationship above them.

It’s a very difficult situation but personally I don’t think you have to live together to have a meaningful relationship. If you think that you do, then only you can decide whether your relationship with your DP is worth the very real risk presented by his son.

Coughing in someone’s face is an assult - this guy has a screw loose
and will likely come to a bad end, possibly via an abused girlfriend

OP you will be on tenterhooks moving his father in, as a 23year old
with sociopathic, harmful intent should not by now be his father’s
responsibility, let alone yours. Son is a “wrong ‘un” -
destructive, disturbed, dangerous.

Your good nature and neediness is about to be thoroughly exploited
yet you cannot see it.

Heed the insightful comments and sound advice posters have taken the
time to offer you, head over heart, let good sense prevail.

“Would it be selfish of me to move my dp in with the full understanding his kid can never come to our home?”

This was the actual question in your op though. Nope - not at all selfish.

Donotgogentle

an excellent post, menacing, he is indeed.

Is your DP frightened of his son? It's a fucked up relationship dynamic. I've only seen a situation where a partner has refused to cut contact with a toxic parent whose bullying behaviour was totally unacceptable, but these sort of scenarios never work out. I think you would be putting yourself in danger by having your partner move in, with the risk of at some point his son gaining access to your house.

Not selfish, no

But not sensible

Because the son WILL come to your house, WILL push boundaries, WILL cause problems

Also, if your partner moves in and contributes to the home.... does your partner have some claim on the property should you split?

If so, I'd be concerned about the son's reaction in this instance too

It’s a difficult one - I don’t think I would move DP in for now, there’s no reason you couldn’t practically live together but on paper he has his own place and you protect yours, you can keep reviewing over a period of time. You continue to pay your bills but he can pay 1/2 towards shopping, socialising etc.

DS is of an age where he can live independently and understand this is due to his behaviour. There’s a chance he will grow up and improve - I have seen some individuals who were frankly complete shits at 16-22 but calmed down, got therapy / grew up / moved away from a bad group and are decent people in their 30’s. (You still wouldn’t have to have a relationship with him). Whatever happens between you and DP, his son is an adult. You are DP’s partner, you don’t ever have to agree to being DS’s stepmum.

If DP does move in keep finances separate and be clear about your boundaries. He can maintain his relationship with his DS, seeing him as often as he likes but DS is not to be in your home, that’s a dealbreaker. Likewise he can support DS financially making sure he has a safe place to live, take him out for lunch etc but DS is entirely his financial responsibility and not to be supported through any household shared funds (that includes things like “I can’t pay for x this month as I bought DS…”.

OP I think you're catastrophising a bit. You are presenting it as moving in together or 'just dating'. But it's not all or nothing. The relationship you have now goes beyond just dating. You have six years together, you've built something deeper and stronger than that.

What the son did to you is mental cruelty, and is a criminal offence. Think about that. And DP may have read him the riot act at the time but now I think he's sending mixed messages with weekly lunches and other outings.

I think DP needs his own place. It may be only small and cheap, he may spend 80%+ of his time at yours, but if yours is the only place he has to live I fear that you would never feel completely comfortable. There would always be what ifs at the back of your mind. If ever the son went through a bad patch, if he had nowhere to go, your thoughts would immediately go into overdrive. The what if of DP waning to spend time with his son that didn't involve going out to places - whatever DP does now, he may rethink if it is his home, notwithstanding that it's your house.

If you don't move in together DP isn't suddenly going to become an occasional drink and a shag. But you'll know there is a backstop position. If DP did start wanting things to change you'd know you could kick him out without him being homeless.

I know you love him and you want more. But there is the possibility that you could get more than you bargained for. I wouldn't risk it.

Edited - typo