What would you do here - dp, adult child, moving in.

[WWYDselfishedition]

Dp and I have been together for around 6 years.

He would like us to move in together.

I would also like us to move in together.

However he has an adult child who I absolutely hate (for very good reason) and I have made it clear that he will not darken the doorstep of my home ever again.

I can go into all the reasons if you like but they are absolutely valid and I cannot stand the guy.

Dp is absolutely fine with this. But then I think what would I do if he banned on of my dc from my house, and he would be 100% gone, even if my dc were 50 they would come before him.

I have sat and thought about forgiving him, and I just can't, dp fully understands this, and they see each other and whatever, I never ask, I have PTSD surrounding the situation so dp doesn't even mention his name in front of me tbh.

Would it be selfish of me to move my dp in with the full understanding his kid can never come to our home?

I wouldn't as I would be concerned the boundaries may change once he moved in.

I would never live with another man again. Regardless of the situation with their adult children. I don't understand the logic of needing to live together for a relationship to progress.

Agree with other posters. Your DP needs a place of his own. Even if you both end up spending most of your time staying over at each other's houses. There needs to be somewhere that's not your house where his DC can go if needed.

Do you want this potential aggro in your life? I think you are spinning it by thinking you wouldn't allow anyone to ban your child and is this unfair and unrealistic for your partner . But really do you want the complexities of this man's life impacting yours? I think as you get older you'll struggle to find someone without a situation that brings complications but to say you have ptsd about what happened suggests this was beyond a norm. If your DP has a relationship with his son, not sure its going to work for you.

My DSIS is very similar to your DPs DS. Has always behaved like a sociopath and been very cruel to our parents over the years. It came to a head when my DF was diagnosed with Parkinson's and was becoming increasingly frail and mentally confused. DSIS went to stay with them and was very cruel to DF, taunting him and shouting at him. He was very upset and traumatised.

DM ordered her to leave and told her she would never see her again. She would not allow her husband to feel fearful and unsafe in his own home. That was 15 years ago and DM has stuck to it. She did the right thing.

It worries me that your DP still keeps a close relationship going with his son despite his evil behaviour towards you. I only see DD at most once a week and we have a good, close relationship. I love both my adult DC dearly but if either of them treated DH like this I would not see them again. Would keep in touch and make sure they were not in trouble, but no I wouldn't meet them. You can love a child but not want to be with them because you hate their behaviour.

Either live apart or break up. Do not move him in to your house, your safe space.

TBH I would favour breaking up. Your DP has to take at least some responsibility for the actions of his son. If you stay with him, his son will always be a part of your life.

What you have written is truly awful, it is more than bullying he actually enjoys seeing people suffer. There is another thread currently running that I am on about are children born bad with many examples of awful cruelty.

You can’t ever let him pass across your threshold. I’m so sorry you went through that. He does sound dangerous.

Op

What an awful, despicable human being his son is!

I know the situation causes you discomfort but you need to understand that you didn’t cause it and you are not responsible for his living situation. Neither should your partner be.

There’s plenty of flat shares available so that’s always an option if he keeps getting kicked out.

I will say though that he was not born that way. His environment growing up has shaped him.

Good luck with the moving in! If it doesn’t work he can always move back out

DP's son sounds dangerous and sadistic.
Your MH and your safety is paramount and your home needs to be your sanctuary. Please don't risk that at any cost.
I can't understand DPs wish to remain in contact with his DS but it's his choice
I'd be anxious that his DS would just turn up as he's broke etc
I think DP should keep his own address, in whatever form that takes, he can then spend as much time with you as you want
I understand the want to live together but circumstances dictate at the moment it's unwise
In time DP's son may get his own accommodation but frankly he is old enough to be responsible for himself

Please don't move him in. He can stay over but don't make it his permanent address.

And if the son comes around and starts causing trouble then police, pronto. Nasty little shit.

@OnGoldenPond similar growing up as well, I can empathise 🌺

If we don't move forward then we potentially have to split because I don't want to just be dating forever more. I'm getting too old for that shit, I just want a bit of normality.

Not loving together doesn't mean you're "just dating". There are couples in long term relationships/married who don't live in the same house.

If we don't move forward then we potentially have to split because I don't want to just be dating forever more. I'm getting too old for that shit, I just want a bit of normality.
I'd put your energy into changing this mindset that cohabiting is a necessary step. It sounds like you're very happy in this relationship and it allows your partner to manage having both you and his son in his life. Moving in would be a step backwards.

Why would living together be better than spending 5-6 nights a week with each other and then having your own space sometimes?

So many posters are raising concerns that if DP moves in, you're more likely to be exposed to his psycho son, if only by mission creep

My question is where do your children fit into this? Presumably they've moved out? But does it not mean they are more likely to be exposed to this man also?

@Donotgogentle has made excellent points
Please OP, don't risk everything by DP moving in - it will make your proximity to his son closer, and frankly that frightens me

There are a lot of unanswered questions here about the situation.

The son is certainly is a disturbed violent individual and no way would I want to be around him.

There is something not quite right about the dad either. I mean has he ever had his own place since you've known him? I find it interesting that your DP has been pushing and asking for several months about him moving in with you.

You were in a very vulnerable place having cancer and then the DP moved in with you how long after DP moved in with you did he suggest his violent son move in?

You mentioned that he worked very long hours and didn't know what his son was doing and the abuse he was hurling on you. Why did you not mention it to you your DP when it started happening? And if he was working on all those long hours how much care was he really providing for you?

What happened to where you asked your DP and his son to leave your home? And where did the DP go after he left your home?

You haven't mentioned your children in any of this. What do they think about your DP and the situation? Did they visit you when you had cancer?