My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[GoldenOstrich]

I'm 33 and I'm 5 years married. My husband doesn't want to have children and I do. He told me he did want to have children, and he was telling me that for years and he seems to have changed his mind now. I got my own house 2 years before I got married. It's a 1 bedroom flat, and my husband moved in with ma when we got married. Before we got married, we decided that we would save up and buy a new house. Two years after I got married, my mum said she would buy new furniture for my flat, and a few weeks after that, my mother in law sent my husband pictures of a house that was for sale and she asked us if we wanted a viewing of it, and I said to my husband "My mum said she is going to get new furniture for my flat so I'd say not right now" and then, he said that to his mum. It was a 2 bedroom terrace she was talking about, and he said that if we had that house, the spare room would be for our children. But we decided to leave getting a new house for later. He hasn't asked me again if I want to move and his mum hasn't offered us any other new houses since then, and neither has my mum. If anyone asks us if we're moving house or if we're staying put, my husband says we're staying put. I desperately want a baby. The last time my husband and I had sex was before Christmas (I've been on the contraceptive pill since a month before I got married) My ex boyfriend didn't want to have children, that was why I broke up with him. All my cousins who are around my age are mothers/fathers. I have a younger brother who is 32 and a younger sister who is nearly 31. I have a feeling my brother will announce he is going to be a dad soon because our cousin he grew up with has recently became a dad. I would be upset if my brother and/or sister had children and I didn't and I would also be upset if any of them had children before me, even if I do have children. Also, father in law said he would take me and my husband and his family on a holiday to Disney world in a few years, originally, it was going to be in 2021, then 2022, then 2023, and now he's saying he'll do it in a few years, so he keeps moving the date. If I broke up with my husband, I might never find someone else, or it might be too late for me to have children before I find someone else. What can I do?

well he doesn't want to have children, so if you do, you need to break up.

This. You've got to decide whether your marriage or your hypothetical future child is more important to you. You can't have both.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband and take it from there. If he is adamant he doesn’t want children then you need to end the marriage sooner rather than later.

Although I don’t know what your FIL taking you to Disney has to do with your current issue with your husband

If you want children and he's said he doesn't (either changing his mind or was stringing you along knowing he didn't want them), you have a choice to make:
Stay in the relationship knowing he has been clear about his position on children
Leave the relationship to find someone who wants the same things as you.

You need to give some major thought about whether you want your husband or children, because he's been quite clear at this point.

If you and him were to separate then could you afford to be a single parent? Could you imagine yourself being one? There are options to have a child alone.

None of its easy op, and it does sound like you have some tough choices coming up. If you're close to your Mum then you could discuss it with her. When your head is a bit clearer then you will need to discuss it with your DH too.

Try bit to dwell on what other people are doing and who's getting what first, these choices are life defining for you, so you only need to think about yourself and any future child.

This

He doesn't want kids, you do, so you need to separate and find someone who wants a family with you

Again this. Leave him soon. And see a solicitor soon as it is a short marriage.

It doesn't seem like you are communicating with each other very well, about your housing and future plans inc children. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation and lay it all out.
If you want children and he doesn't, I'm afraid it will need to be the end of the road. It is a commitment you both need to be 100% on.

Don't worry about what everyone else is doing (siblings/cousins etc) and I am really unsure what Disney and new furniture has to do with anything!

Yep.

Separately i have no clue as to why:
A. You can only move to houses your mil or mum suggests
B. Trips to disney paid for by fil is a factor in deciding whether not you stay married to a man that doesn't want children with you.

My partner did want to have kids before I thought we were ready and then when I thought we were ready didn't. I stuck it out for several years and then things fell apart. By the point that I met someone else I ended up needing IVF to get our son and it was all very hard. Think carefully but quickly OP.

You need to separate before you’re too old to meet someone else and have kids.

Hang on - has he said he doesn't want kids or does he seem to have changed his mind?

I can’t see what Disneyland trip has to do with anything, and why your mum or MIL have to offer houses to you? But anyway you have to decide to leave your husband and hope you find another partner who wants kids, or you stay with him and don’t have kids. Not any other options.

Exactly what I was thinking.

also…

a) was the mother in law planning on buying you the house? And if so, did you refuse because your mum was buying new furniture? Why?
b) why would your cousin having a baby mean that your brother is going to have a baby?
c) have you actually asked if he wants children?

I can’t for the life of me fathom the significance of the Disney World trip.

Essentially if he doesn’t want children and you do, then you need to split.

Has you DH said he doesn't want children or are you inferring he does as he isn't showing signs of wanting to move?
Have you broached the subject of children or moving with him?
Why is it up to MIL to find houses would you not look yourself if you wanted to move?
What is the relevance to the trip to Disney?
You will not be able to control what your siblings or family members do in terms of family, even if you and DH were actively trying there is no guarantee that you would give birth first.

What Disney world got to do with anything??

Because you want to get that trip in before you leave him???

firstly stop relying on your mum and MiL to make decisions about where you live & how you furnish your home.
second if you want to go to Disney world that much then save up for it yourself
thirdly have a very frank and final conversation with your husband and if he doesn’t want children then decide wether you can live with that decision and never be a mother - if not then end the marriage

You have to decide if he or having children is more important, and act accordingly.

@GoldenOstrich I'm saying this for clarity, not to get on your case when you obviously have an issue that's upsetting you.

You've raised your mother buying you furniture, your mil suggesting one house you could look at and then not suggesting any others, your fil talking about a paid for holiday that's been delayed and delayed. and that you'd be upset if your siblings had children before you did, even if you went on to have children of your own.

Amongst all that you tell us that you broke up with an ex because he didn't want children and that you haven't had sex with your husband since before Christmas.
Is there a particular reason for that?

You mention having a baby and finding someone to have a baby with, you haven't once mentioned loving a partner, just houses and furniture and holidays.

Think hard about the people in your life, your relationship with them and sustaining a relationship, then think about where to live and how a child fits into that. At the moment, you come across sounding very young and rather immature, so I'm thinking you're not in the right place for a baby at the moment, you should be having this kind of conversation with your husband.

Going on a holiday would prevent me from having children, and if I had a very young child, I wouldn't want to take them abroad, or leave them with someone to look after them. If we go on a holiday to disney world, I assume we would be staying for 2 weeks, and I would definitely not want to leave my child/children for as long as that. I've seen children crying for their mummy and daddy when they're at work, and that's just for 4, 5, 6, 7 or 8 hours. And there is no point in getting a new house if your house has been done up recently.

Dump him and sperm donor if you think it's getting late for you.

You haven't had sex for at least 3 months? Why? That will be an issue if trying to get pregnant!

You both seem to be waiting to be offered a house by your respective parents. Why can't you choose and buy a new place without their involvement ?

What's the trip to Disney got to do with this?

I agree with many of the other replies, this isn't something that can be resolved easily - you have to take him at face value and believe what he says when he says he doesn't want children - I hope he has actually thought that through properly and he actually understands what the implications of this are for himself as well as you and you as a couple.

My sister, for medical reasons, could not have children and almost every conversation I have had with her over the last 30 odd years has included some reference to her not having been able to have children - it's profoundly affected how she feels about herself, her life and affected her marriage and relationships with everyone... there are even more sad consequences in that story that I'm not going to spell out - suffice to say that this issue could be a source of huge regret if you don't follow your feelings about this and act sooner rather than later.

Youre wasting your life away on what ifs.