My Husband Doesn't Want To Have Children

[GoldenOstrich]

I'm 33 and I'm 5 years married. My husband doesn't want to have children and I do. He told me he did want to have children, and he was telling me that for years and he seems to have changed his mind now. I got my own house 2 years before I got married. It's a 1 bedroom flat, and my husband moved in with ma when we got married. Before we got married, we decided that we would save up and buy a new house. Two years after I got married, my mum said she would buy new furniture for my flat, and a few weeks after that, my mother in law sent my husband pictures of a house that was for sale and she asked us if we wanted a viewing of it, and I said to my husband "My mum said she is going to get new furniture for my flat so I'd say not right now" and then, he said that to his mum. It was a 2 bedroom terrace she was talking about, and he said that if we had that house, the spare room would be for our children. But we decided to leave getting a new house for later. He hasn't asked me again if I want to move and his mum hasn't offered us any other new houses since then, and neither has my mum. If anyone asks us if we're moving house or if we're staying put, my husband says we're staying put. I desperately want a baby. The last time my husband and I had sex was before Christmas (I've been on the contraceptive pill since a month before I got married) My ex boyfriend didn't want to have children, that was why I broke up with him. All my cousins who are around my age are mothers/fathers. I have a younger brother who is 32 and a younger sister who is nearly 31. I have a feeling my brother will announce he is going to be a dad soon because our cousin he grew up with has recently became a dad. I would be upset if my brother and/or sister had children and I didn't and I would also be upset if any of them had children before me, even if I do have children. Also, father in law said he would take me and my husband and his family on a holiday to Disney world in a few years, originally, it was going to be in 2021, then 2022, then 2023, and now he's saying he'll do it in a few years, so he keeps moving the date. If I broke up with my husband, I might never find someone else, or it might be too late for me to have children before I find someone else. What can I do?

Are you alright?

Please explain what's going on with the houses being 'offered' to you? Why can't you get your own house as a couple? What's your MIL got to do with it?

Also the holiday makes no sense in relation to having kids. A two week holiday is irrelevant. If you have kids, they take priority and life fits in around them.

You don't sound like you've had the baby conversation, just read things into what he's said about houses and holidays. On the other hand you sound like you have some growing up to do first.

The stuff about your mum buying furniture for your flat meaning you can't move is peculiar. Furniture can be moved. Or bought by you and DH. Also your flat also belongs to your DH now you know, as you're married. Why not have a conversation about coming off the pill, trying for a baby and buying a bigger home? And if he doesn't want those things, talk about how best to separate.

There have been a few threats recently that read weird like this. Kind of repetitive and circular.

I did X but I don't want to tell my family I did X because if they knew I did X they would not be happy with me doing X so I don't want my family to find out I did X. I don't know what I will do if they find out I did X. They would not be happy if they found out I did X.

All the house stuff and holiday stuff is irrelevant.

You want children. Your dh does not. If neither of you changes your mind, the marriage is over. You need to leave and find someone who does want children.

I’m confused about whether you want a new house or a baby more. If you don’t want a baby enough to be trying for one in case it interfered with a holiday to Disney world, you don’t want one. People take their babies on holidays. You need to 1. Make up your mind whether you actually want a baby or whether you only really want a baby because you’d need a new house if you had one or whether you only want a baby a little bit but not if it gets in the way of holidays. 2 if you truly do and your husband doesn’t you need to leave.

When people say they don't want children, it's not a negotiable standpoint. No means no, as they say.

Yes it sucks that he's decided he doesn't want them but...if you do...more than you want him...then this marriage is over.

Really he should do the right thing and set you free. But it sounds like you're going to have to leave him.

With the latter, I presume she’s saying that if she can’t have her own children then meeting her nephews and nieces will be too painful for her, reminding her of what she has missed out on.

This does seem quite immature and self absorbed, particularly the point about not wanting to see unborn nieces and nephews. My best friend has been trying for a baby for 7 years and after 6 failed IVF transfers she still asks for updates on DS and to see him.

Yep. I’m thinking either AI, or bored teenager, or bored teenager using AI!

“The last time my husband and I had sex was before Christmas”

why?

What an awful situation. I had a family member in a similar position, she & her fiancé had bought a house and had been together for about 10 years. He always told her that he wanted children until the time came and she felt time was ticking. He then changed his mind, I remember her sat at our house breaking her heart crying. That was about 15 years ago, they’re still together and no children. Miserable relationship. (But saying that they are both complete arseholes, so I don’t have much sympathy- way too much water under that bridge)

Wanting children is one thing that you both have to be on the same page with to have a happy relationship. You need to sit and have a honest conversation and you may have to rethink your relationship.

I would be upset if my brother and/or sister had children and I didn't and I would also be upset if any of them had children before me, even if I do have children. Please try not to think like this. We all have our own stories, life is not a race. Be happy for your siblings and enjoy a niece of nephew. When it’s your turn your siblings will do the same.

This can't be a genuine post

Sorry op i don’t think you actually sound mature enough to have children. Your reasonings about disney, your comparisons to other couples and your waffle about furniture make you sound a bit unhinged to me tbh.

He is also entitled to change his mind about having other kids. Having kids is not always what it’s cracked up to be.

Honestly, OP, you sound like a silly child.

Have you had a conversation with your DH or is it all just attempts to read into what he says or doesn't say about other things?

If he has changed his mind in having children then unless you can accept not having children you need to split .

Quickly really as it would take time to meet someone else, build a relationship etc. if you procrastinate too long it may never happen.

I would never want to meet their children or see any pictures of them, I wouldn't even be able to congratulate them.

You sound really childish. It’s not a rule that older siblings have children first. So if you did have children you’d want everyone fawning over them and you but you couldn’t do the same for them if they were first? You aren’t mature enough to have children tbh.

You haven’t had sex since before Christmas ?
I would leave him over that

This is really bizarre. A holiday doesn’t impact you ttc. If you are too pregnant to go, you and your husband don’t go. If you have a young child you decide whether to stay or go.

I flex to Florida 4 months pregnant. And took ds when he was one. But you don’t have to go on this holiday if it doesn’t suit you. You certainly don’t need to plan around it.

The house situation is weird. Your mum offering to buy furniture for the flat wouldn’t have stopped you moving and if you wanted to move the YOU look for a house. Again, his mum and your mil aren’t required to look and if you wanted to find a house and move you would.

If he doesn’t want a child and you do, you need to leave. If he said he doesn’t want kids and you stay with him, you would also be making the choice to not have kids.

But if you are already planning on not acknowledging your nieces or nephews and cutting off siblings for having children, I would suggest you might need some professional support. That’s not a healthy thought process at all.

I’m afraid I was thinking this too.

All this talk of a possible holiday to Disney in the future sounds bonkers to me, I can’t understand why it’s even in the mix at all. It makes you sound a bit immature to be honest.

I’m so sorry but this man has moved the goal posts. You very sensibly had the ‘children talk’ before marriage and then married him on this basis.
IME you really cannot shut down a desire to have children for someone else’s preference to NOT have children-you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.
You need to have a very frank conversation with him and be prepared to walk away and start again. Best wishes.

This is your life.
Take control. Dont wait for furniture and Disneyland offers.
Sit your DH down and say I want to try for a baby starting now. The housing situation you can sort when you’re pregnant or when the baby’s a year old. If he doesn’t then you’re young and free to date and find someone who does.

You need help. That's horrible.

I agree with this.

Our daughter has been going abroad since she was 4 months old, we sold a property we had just done up, the increase in value was far more than the cost of renovation. New furniture isn’t doing up a house.

Are you sure you’re 33? Really?