Do you feel like a grown up?

[wonderinglywondering]

Just that really. I was saying to DH today that even though I am mid thirties, good job, three children, can drive, married... I still don't feel like an adult.

I think some of it comes from the fact DH and I are very close with our families. I'm an only child, and my DM has no friends so messages me multiple times a day and has lots of opinions and advice on how to do things, how to decorate, etc etc. A good example is my kids are ill currently and when I told her this she immediately told me not to let them share towels or cups. Obviously I know this! She disagrees with the colour I am painting my bedroom and tutted that we have an TV in there.!

I almost never have people round because I worry that the house will not be clean/tidy enough, even though it is clean and tidy. I get very anxious hosting, worrying about catering etc and it never seems as good as when other people put on a spread. I usually over cater because I worry about running out.

I just feel a bit fed up that I still don't have the confidence in myself to feel like an adult with my shit together. A good friend told me that no one knows what they're doing really, and once I realise that I will feel better, but there are definitely people in my circle who do have their shit together! I have come off social media because a) we have so much family politics at play it is utterly stressful and toxic and b) i get sucked into "insta-perfect" lifestyle that makes me feel inadequate.

So, for those of you who do feel adult, how did you get there?

Not really 🤣🤦‍♀️
In my head I'm still 20, my body tells me otherwise. I still long for adventure and fun and am quite silly 🤣

Yes, but only once I retired.

I don’t think I ‘don’t feel like a grown up’ as much as ‘am realising all the grown ups I know/have known are winging it too’

I sometimes feel like I'll get found out and my job, house, child, cat, and dog will all be taken off me so a proper adult can look after them. My ducks are so far from being in a row, not even sure where half of them are 🦆

No. I used to! But I think I'm stuck at 26/7. I had something awful happen then and I think it affected my brain or something.

Sometimes I'll see someone my age on telly and think Do I look that old? Am I meant to be behaving like that? And it just doesn't seem possible.

I've no interest in looking like Instagram thinks I should, or how anyone else thinks I should, and my house is run well enough and the child is cared for etc etc. But other than that no. I don't feel like an adult, I feel like I'm playing at it and one day somebody will notice.

Absolutely not in the slightest. And I'm in my 40s, have worked for my current employer for 16 years, own a house and two children.

I often wonder now if my parents were just winging it at this age, as they always seemed to have their shit together and had Big Important Jobs and just seemed like proper adults all through my childhood. But maybe they were just flying by the seat of their pants just the same as I am.

Yes.

I started feeling like an adult at university when I was very ill and admitted to hospital and realised that I was completely on my own, my mum and dad were not going to help me, practically emotionally or financially and if I wanted to have anything approximating a life I needed to get on and sort it out myself.

I don't think I would recommend it to be honest. Better to feel you have people in your corner.

I do, in my late 40s. It has been quite a recent feeling, as both my parents' physical and cognitive health has deteriorated a lot in the last couple of years. As a single parent I'm also aware of a feeling I only have me to rely on and the buck stops with me for my DS, all the bills, fixing things that break, resolving social situations that upset him or cause bother at school. I can't say I much like being grown up but it's the way life goes.

Yes, I do feel like an adult. I definitely don’t feel like a child or a teenager anyway. That’s not to say that I feel like I have my shit together though or approach everything in life with confidence. And I don’t feel like a completely different person to who I was when I was younger (I’m pushing 40) although life and my outlook on it has changed massively.

What do you imagine feeling like an adult would be like? How would you know if you got there?

I'm mid 30s too and I don't feel like a grown up but I'm ok with that. I can act sensible and serious when I have to but it's not who I am deep down. A few months ago I took some stuff up to the tip; there was a sign up saying pets and children have to stay in the cars and I had a split second moment of wondering how I was going to unload all my rubbish if I wasn't allowed out of the car, before I remembered I am actually a grown up 😳.

It does sound like your mum is overstepping a bit though. Maybe you should have a chat with her about that? Sometimes parents still see their adult children as kids.

I find myself making a cup of coffee and thinking, "this is a really grown up thing to do". I'm 65.

Yes, I do. We’re all just learning as we go and winging it to some extent, it’s all of our first tries at life. Being an adult doesn’t actually mean you’ll know everything and have all the answers and be confident about everything you do, whether you’re 20 or 40 or 60. Let go of the idea that adulthood = all knowing perfection. We all get it wrong sometimes and have the benefit of experience and trial and error to build on to work out how not to do it again, that’s basically being an adult.

this is interesting. I can relate to being "stuck" at an age - I was 19/20 when I fell into an abusive relationship at uni which caused me to drop out, and I still feel very much the same as I did then. Perhaps that has something to do with it. I met DH shortly after and have been together ever since.

I do think perhaps I need a bit of distance from DM, I have always stood on my own two feet financially etc, but I think PP are correct in that she struggles to see me as an adult.

It seems a healthy mix of people who do feel grown up and people who feel like me that they're playing at it and will get "found out"!

No. I was expecting to be a bit taller.

Yes, I do. I mean, if I'm not a grown-up, who is? What would I be expecting that I haven't got? I've always felt like an adult since I've been one.

No, I'm only 18. Not quite sure how I have a 13 year old child and one going into high school this year and they're actually mine. How is that possible? I have a fairly responsible job too and I constantly wonder why someone would trust me to do it, since I am not old enough. And an 18 year olds joints should not hurt as much as mine do, so I'm not sure what's going on there either. Baffled.

Great question!
I don’t feel like an adult no

I do feel like a grown up. I didn’t for many years - I felt like I was stuck at a younger age. I’m 42 and in a management position at work where I’m treated as a grown up which helps!

I found myself being asked for career advice by someone close to 60 today. He was genuinely interested in my views and seemed a bit in awe of me, despite being 20 yrs younger.

That made me feel like a grown up!

I'm mid 40s and have felt like an adult for a few years. I also feel very tired!

Exactly this. I commented to my dad once "I find it hard to believe I'm old enough to be responsible for a child and running a home". He said he feels exactly the same. He's retired!

Yes too many health problems. Mid thirties

No and I am 60 with lots of children who seem to have assumed I am... but mum and dad died last year so now I think I really need to be but not sure how I go about it ...

Only when I had my Dd at 40, before then I had a responsible job, mortgage, married etc, but felt free as a bird, very with it culture, fashion and music wise, travelled lots still and had a brilliant time. I feel a bit boring the last few years 😬

I only felt like an adult when I began to panic about how little time I have left. I guess at about 47. I realised I was a young old person not an old young person. And I felt briefly rejuvenated by that idea, then shortly afterwards, I felt unease at how little time is left relatively.......... I am sorry if that doesn't sound like a cheerful piece of wisdom. Now I accept that all of these feelings of doubt, frustration, hesitancy and fear are fairly normal and I am more compassionate to myself for feeling so human, that acceptance makes me feel adult. I think.