Do you feel like a grown up?

[wonderinglywondering]

Just that really. I was saying to DH today that even though I am mid thirties, good job, three children, can drive, married... I still don't feel like an adult.

I think some of it comes from the fact DH and I are very close with our families. I'm an only child, and my DM has no friends so messages me multiple times a day and has lots of opinions and advice on how to do things, how to decorate, etc etc. A good example is my kids are ill currently and when I told her this she immediately told me not to let them share towels or cups. Obviously I know this! She disagrees with the colour I am painting my bedroom and tutted that we have an TV in there.!

I almost never have people round because I worry that the house will not be clean/tidy enough, even though it is clean and tidy. I get very anxious hosting, worrying about catering etc and it never seems as good as when other people put on a spread. I usually over cater because I worry about running out.

I just feel a bit fed up that I still don't have the confidence in myself to feel like an adult with my shit together. A good friend told me that no one knows what they're doing really, and once I realise that I will feel better, but there are definitely people in my circle who do have their shit together! I have come off social media because a) we have so much family politics at play it is utterly stressful and toxic and b) i get sucked into "insta-perfect" lifestyle that makes me feel inadequate.

So, for those of you who do feel adult, how did you get there?

I do now. It's come gradually with having a child and gaining seniority (and authority) at work.

Yeah, at age 50 I finally feel like a grownup. I'm pretty sure it's not just because i've reached the half century age. I'm sure it's more to do with life changes such as acting as executor for 2 relatives' estates in the last few years (one of them my dad), and realising that my generation is next. Plus seeing my young adult DC going off to start their independent life at uni made me realise it's been a very long time since I was at their stage of life.

So for me, it's seeing the generations above and below me progress in their life, taking more responsibility for the one above me and less for the one below.

what makes you an adult?

I think that I still feel things too intensely to be an adult, so I've realised that I have a core belief that adults don't feel things as much as I do still. I'm waiting for the day when I don't feel frustrated, hesitant, anxious, angry, worried, scared.... I don't feel all of these emotions all of the time. But whenever I feel any emotion, I feel like a child in an adult's body.

Nope. I don't think I think or feel any different than I did when I was 16. However, I know in reality I do as I've learnt a lot since then and I have a lot of aches that come each year.

I'm late 30s, have all the things that make me a grown up but feel immature. I only know I'm not when I spend time with young adults and then I feel mature.

I didn't feel a proper adult until my parents died. Dealing with the loss, their funerals and estates and then realising that my generation was next was the turning point for me. I was in my 50s. I have other friends who say this and I see a PP has said it too, so perhaps it's a thing.

That said I really believe that to some extent most of us feel like we're winging it and making it up as we go along all of our lives.

Yes, finally (sort of). I felt like an adult in my early fifties 😂😬

Growing older is inevitable, Growing up optional!

50s and only feel grown up occasionally, I often feel the need to 'go out to play' 😅

Most days, yes. I have been a teacher for more than 20 years and that makes you feel ollllllllld some days for sure…I have to be the responsible adult in the room!
It’s important to be childlike at times though and just have fun.

Buy, yeah, who am I kidding? I am definitely a grown up though my lovely mum sometimes infantilises me a bit and my DMIL has tended to do that over the years too at times, though I just won’t let her anymore.

But in reality, we are all just doing the best we can.

I do, yes. I’m 30, and have felt firmly an adult for quite some time. Sure I make mistakes and I certainly don’t have it all figured out but who does? That’s just life. I always find it so strange that so many people say they don’t feel like an adult, I just don’t understand how you can’t!

Nah. Most people don't, we're all winging it.

I remember my grandma used to say 'I still feel 22 in my head', and she was in her 80s when she died, so it's not just this generation or a modern thing.

My house never used to feel clean/tidy enough but having a cleaner has definitely helped with that. I hate hosting though, never feel comfortable.

I'm mid forties and always feel nervous if I'm buying alcohol. I'm sure they're going to tell me I'm not old enough. Feel quite strange when I'm not questioned.
I bought some glue the other day and did wonder if I'd be stopped. I wasn't.
I often look around for an adult if I feel overwhelmed in a situation.

Not at all. I always feel as though I'm still waiting to get my act together. I'm 51.

I do now but, for some reason I can't explain, it wasn't until I lost my Mum and that was three years ago when I was 50.

No, in my head I'm still 18-20.

At times I feel like an adult, but mostly I don’t. Adulting is hard to do and I don’t think I’ll ever really be one.

Absolutely not, I'm very much still 16 in my head.
I have little inward panic attacks every so often when I remember I'm actually an adult with bills and children to keep alive. Really freaks me out!!

I'm 49 and feel like a complete fraud! I think most of us are just winging it to some degree. I doubt myself constantly and still feel like a lost/confused/unsure adolescent most of the time 😂

Nope, mid 40's and just starting to feel like a young adult, how I think I should have felt at about 23!

I just asked DD16 if I seemed like a proper grown up to her "er no of course not!"

I am almost 50, have a proper important job and lots of grown up shit going on around me but apart from feeling tired more I don't have my shit together at all!!

I think the difficulty lies in the fact that we 'look' like an adult therefore are expected to have a certain level of intelligence/confidence to deal with anything 'adult like' whereas in reality a lot of us aren't actually sure what we're doing! The key is to pretend you do and just hope for the best.
Sometimes I do adulty things and feel very smug and proud of myself. I'm almost 50 ffs 😂😂😂

Yes, because I am an adult. I don't have this idealised image of what a 'grown up' is that I think this question of 'feeling' like one would require. A grown-up is an adult human. I am that.

The people I know who’ve got their shit together, and seem like real adults, have always been like that regardless of age. They bought a house young, got married first. Have savings, investments. But they’ve also made mistakes. And a lot of them suffer anxiety. On the other hand I’ve always been a hot mess. They think my life is a good laugh, lots of fun! And it is, in ways. But I also have no money, and live hand to mouth. I dream of life not being like that, maybe when I’m finally an adult…

Yes, I was always serious as a child and took far too much interest in things like legal rights and taxes as a teenager. Had my first dc as a teen and ran my own household before age 20 so I had a lot of responsibility from a young age. I'm in my 40s now and I'm capable of dealing with most things, although I'm also adult enough to opt out of things that I don't care about.

I agree with @CurlyhairedAssassin up the thread - something to do with the shifting generations .. though I'm a similar age & not willing to admit it.. I feel 20 ish still . I read that your brain doesn't reach adulthood fully until you are 51/52 which seems about right . Not quite there yet though ..

Yes, I do. Honestly, OP, cultivate some boundaries with your mother. You’re letting her infantilise you. And do you really want to limit having people over because of tidying?