really worried for this young person, any suggestions?

[Crackalac]

a friend of my son has been a young carer for his dad for years. he is 20 years old now and has dropped out of/been asked to leave 2 x 6th form colleges because his caring responsibilities didn't give him enough time/head space to study. the situation took a turn for the worse recently and he has just been fired from a level 3 apprenticeship. what the hell is he supposed to do??

I suspect this is not the full story.

I would be surprised if 2 colleges and the apprenticeship were unaware of the situation and not bending over backwards to support him.

Were college aware of the situation and if so, did he engage with the support they offered?

ETA: in terms of going forward, does your council have a carers centre? If so, he needs to go there for support.

He also needs to get onto the councils employment and skills team and ask for help.

What are his caring responsibilities?

I can imagine situations - eg it's just him and dad and dad had a stroke - where actually he won't be able to work without leaving dad at risk.

it is the full story. they did bend over backwards but the caring responsibilities are so much so that he doesn't have time to study enough

I agree that you're not getting the full story. Colleges are usually highly flexible in caring situations.

Why has he been a young carer for his dad? What does his dad need?

Is he (his Dad) getting all the benefits they may be entitled to?
Does he want to be studying - he could maybe study online from home.
Is his Dad entitled to a carer/respite which could give the son a break?

I don't want to be specific, because it is outing but it is extreme complex needs and he cannot be alone or do anything for himself

Why is he caring for his dad? Is this truly the only option?

When I have worked with young carers in this situation in the past, there has almost always been some emotional dependency (often on the side of the parents who did not want to accept anyone else caring for them - but also guilt on the part of the child).

Is there a young carers' support service nearby that could work with him to untangle him from the situation?

It sounds like dad needs to get some alternative care so his son can live his life.

He needs to make a choice. It's his future or his dad's. I know what id have picked at 20. No parent would want their child to care for them to the detriment of their own future.

I know that sounds harsh.

The carers centre at the council will be able to support with getting the care his dad needs/benefits for his dad etc.

So things that might help:

If dad has a condition where support is offered:

Dad could apply for ESA (employment and support allowance) which goes to people who are sick and or disabled. If he is severely ill/disabled then applying for PIP.

This assumes he is under pension age. If he is over pension age then attendance allowance is the way to go.

This will help towards paying for carers.
Depending on his condition, the son could also contact social services and ask for the dad to be assessed for carers, if there is not
much money in the household and there is need for carers then SS may pay.

If dad has something like alcoholism then it is much tricker as few services will engage with an active alcoholic.

Are there any other relatives who could help or is it all on the son?

His Dad should be entitled to carers via social services if he needs 24/7 care.
The son shouldn't be trying to do it all.
Is that a charity for his Dad's condition? They might be able to help and give advice.

Yes ,if dad has complex needs and cannot be left alone then contact SS for an assessment of needs.

I suspect the issue is that SS will almost certainly in these circumstances recommend a care home, at which point where will the son live?

Why is this boy the only one caring for this man? Social workers, hospital staff, GP etc all said it was OK for an adult with extreme caring needs to live at home alone with the sole care of a teenage boy?

Is the dad an addict by any chance?

what do people mean by 'not getting the full story'? you mean he is lazy/is slacking at college/not doing what he should?

no, he is not an addict. he has multiple disabilities. mum is in the household but also has to work for money. and it is in reality a full time caring job for 2 people although that is not financially viable and I am worried he is going to get to mid 20s/30 and have no qualifications or work experience much

I've been saying this to him. I introduced the idea gently at first but with the further deterioration I am pushing it quite hard. but obviously he feels guilty and also doesn't want to leave his mum dealing with everything alone

I personally mean that things will have been suggested by college eg carers centre, SS already and for whatever reason (likely complex and tied up with the family's own vulnerabilities) these suggestions haven't been taken up.

The family needs to be proactive and if they're not, the child will fall through the cracks.

If you are concerned, I would offer to go with the lad to the carers centre/drop ins and get a plan of action together.

He still has a window of opportunity until he's around 24 where there is a lot of support available (in my area anyway) to support NEET youngsters.

studying online is a good idea, that I can't believe we didn't think of. isolating huh, and far from ideal but maybe a life line

@Crackalac I think people meant "the full story" by is the family getting all the help (financial/social services/medical) they are entitled too?
Because that would make a big difference.

The situations I have come across like this in the past have been because the sick person does not want to go into a care home and is prepared to accept care from a relative and ignores the impact on the relative's live.

It's usually middle aged woman who gets stuck into this situation and eventually they break and the sick person has to go into a care home, often after they have destroyed the relative's physical and mental health.

My guess would be that dad knows he needs to go into a home but doesn't want to and is happy to just rely on his son. Son feels incredibly guilty about letting down his dad and so destroys his own prospects.

My advice: support the son. Dad needs to be in a home, almost certainly, and it's just a question of how much he destroys his son's life first.

@Crackalac a lot of online learning includes doing classes via zoom etc so it's not completely isolated.
However as he is now 20 he may have to pay (I'm not 100% sure on that).

I agree completely, that there needs to be an alternative caring arrangement!

young carers support service....who provides that? would he still be eligible at age 20?

yes, I think this is exactly the situation. I have heard him SAY care home twice in the last week. which is new. I am praying this happens. I am gutted that he lost the apprenticeship, it seemed like the answer for a while....mostly remote working and earning money whilst studying

what is NEET?

NEET

Not in Education Employment or Training.

Ie the kids that aren't doing anything.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/being-a-young-carer-your-rights/

for info - but at 20 probably not counted as a “young” carer any more.

There must be more to this if the mother is in the household. What is SHE doing to try to alleviate the situation of her son?

The son is not / should not be the primary source of support for his Dad, the mother is. There is help out there via Social Services, charities etc. they need to maximise income via benefits so they are able to pay for help (is the son claiming benefits?). But they need to seek help!