really worried for this young person, any suggestions?

[Crackalac]

a friend of my son has been a young carer for his dad for years. he is 20 years old now and has dropped out of/been asked to leave 2 x 6th form colleges because his caring responsibilities didn't give him enough time/head space to study. the situation took a turn for the worse recently and he has just been fired from a level 3 apprenticeship. what the hell is he supposed to do??

Well it all sounds quite complicated and messy.
It’s great that you’re an older adult he can confide in or seek support in.

I can imagine he’s held back by a whole load of guilt and feelings of obligation towards his father (and mother- she couldn’t get out of the house if her son wasn’t there presumably).

It sounds callous but does his father have a life limiting condition? Perhaps if it’s assumed that his dad will die in the next couple of years, the son has accepted his life is on hold for now?

Did you help him secure an apprenticeship? It must be disappointing but perhaps he’s not being honest with you about the time he can actually give to anything outside his caring responsibilities?

It must feel frustrating that you can’t do more.

yes! this exactly.... 'moving away from his identity as a carer' is what needs to happen, isn't it. it's been so ingrained. but that has definitely made me think about how to help him in a totally different way.

this thread has been great, thanks to everyone for working through that with me. keep throwing suggestions, it's really helpful

Reading this is very sad,
seems as if the dad is refusing outside care and controlling finances and who does what. The young man would be best moving out and starting his own life.

Agree with this. She'll be earning less than £139 pw currently and needs to have a look at other benefits she may be entitled to if the CA switches to her son. The NI credits are important.

Does he have any income of his own presently?

ETA Having said which, this is true

"It also only reinforces his identity as a carer if he gets carers allowance, and that's the opposite of what you want to happen."

I do think there has to be at least the start of a plan to get him out of the role. The fact he enrolled in 2 serious courses of study are a good sign that he does envisage something beyond being a carer.

Glad it's helpful.

He is going to need to be strong and extract himself. He needs to want it. A good role for someone like you could be to reinforce the message that this isn't his job, it isn't what he has to do with his life, it isn't what he should be doing with his life. It isn't normal.

The 'normal' situation would be that outside carers are sorted for dad, and he gets to go and live his life.

You (and an outside support agency if you can find one) could maybe support him to shift his mentality and encourage him to get out of this mess and start building his own life.

You might find that as soon as he wants it enough and sees the path, and stops feeling so guilty, he will be able to make it happen himself.

This charity could have some good advice and support for him - at 20 he is still a young carer in their eyes.

https://carers.org/about-caring/about-young-carers

With regards to UC I do have some experience of claiming having gone through months of being a temporary carer for dh after an accident at work.

I imagine his parents claim UC as a family (if his mum is on a low income) and part of that is the “carer element” (additional entitlement if one person in the family is a carer)
Its likely his father is also in receipt of PIP - which is not means tested.

Now the son is no longer classed as a dependent in full time education, he has the option of making a separate UC claim of his own.
A requirement of that is that he attends weekly meetings with an advisor at his local job centre- that may be useful if he wants to look into part time work.
He may be able to access funded training courses through the job centre too- some are online- which will improve his CV.

He does have to be honest with you about what he is prepared to take on and how much he does actually want his situation to change before you can help him.

Perhaps right now he just wants a sympathetic ear or someone to talk through his difficult situation with.

You can certainly offer him a different perspective- I imagine his set up as a family reliant on benefits is all he’s known for his whole life and his mum relies on him quite heavily.

That poor boy. I had to do this for my dad in my 40's and it was hell. But a 20 year old. It's so unfair. I'd rather go to a care home then take my child's ability to have an education and a life.

yep, me too, without hesitation 🥺

100%
The poor man needs to start living his life, before he realises decades have passed and he's spent the whole time at home caring for his Dad. Have seen this happen unfortunately. Definitely can identify with a parent depending emotionally on their child

The Dad needs to get assessed by social services to see what care he needs, and to accept whatever help is offered.

Care Workers get paid to look after people, and get time off to live their own lives. This young man needs the chance to get out and live his life to the full whilst he's still young

Some young people don't realise they want the situation to change, because its all they've known. They've maybe been put under a lot of pressure from family, and could know its what their family expects off them. Experienced someone being a young carer from age 15, and knew their friends lives were moving on and theirs was stuck. Got to their late 20s before they realised their life was getting wasted and they were trapped caring. No career, no friends, no social life.

I do wonder as well how good the assessment of his dad has been - does his dad ha e cognitive change after stroke which makes it harder to understand his son's needs?

It's pretty hard on the mum as well but I agree at 20 it's important to try and change things to stop the situation setting into stone.

How old is the dad? Would he (the dad) be able to get advice from Different Strokes (working age stroke survivors) or the Stroke Association? They might be a bit too keen to assume that if family seem willing to help that they should go on doing so, but they are good charities that should be able to help the family work out what would help them all move forward.

thanks to everyone who commented with suggestions. His dad has now died, so he no longer has caring responsibilities