What is your take on the old adage, "A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is daughter all of her life"?

[Bayleaftree63]

Just that really... interested in your thoughts.

crumblingschools

my eldest dd is a bigger football fan than my sons! I’ve been to a game with her & loved it.

It can be true.
My dm had a rough ride with db’s ex.

My own ds is probably more willing to visit than dd however he has plainly stated he doesn’t intend to care for me in old age. Not that I’ve ever asked him. However his dw certainly doesn’t influence him, she always lovely.
I think he’s very lucky to have her.

Underestimate the power of a partner at your peril!

My DS and I were (and now are again thank god) very close. Then he met a girl who wanted DS at her family home all the time. Came from a big family with a grandmother matriarch. He was smitten with the girl and the family were all lovely to him and he spent all his time there as she didn’t like it as much at our place, no matter how hard I tried. It was utterly heartbreaking - key moments in his life were arranged by her parents instead of us etc.

Fortunately they split up and he’s definitely learnt his lesson but we are all aware now as a family how this can do easily happen.

The families I know with sons that are very present are ones where the girlfriend/wife has either an estrangement from her parents or they are dead or far away geographically.

I always took this saying to mean that daughters are expected to be dutiful - they are the ones expected to care for their elderly parents and manage any difficulties. So from my perspective, the last part about daughters is an accurate reflection of society in the UK, whether we want it to be or not. The bulk of caring responsibilities do fall to women.

@Bayleaftree63

It depends on families dynamics and sons and daughters personalities
Can be a kernel of truth or some

but not allways of course...

I do agree it's up to sons to make an effort with parents and not leave it to "wives"

However some DIL make it very hard. We live the other end of the country to dhs family, whenever we say we are visiting and suggest meeting up there is always a reason why she can't. We work round that nowadays and only text bil and give 2/3 dates times locations, she can never find an excuse for all of them. I don't know why she does it, she is actually a nice woman and seems to enjoy herself when we all meet but she just makes it so hard. She sees her own parents at least three times a week.

It's down to the personality of the offspring.
Some parents do treat their children right, some don't respond.
There can be many reasons why.

We also need to bring up daughters to be accepting of another family when they are in a long term relationship, and as parents of adult DC we can be mindful that there should be an equitable split of time between families.

How many times on here do we see a mother or MIL demanding their adult DC have Christmas every year with them, and how devastated they would be if their adult DC celebrated Christmas somewhere else. Or having every Sunday lunch with them

And we all need to accept that our children grow up and need to be independent

This!!

Could be true, women with those "soft skills" or people pleasing/pacifying they've had to learn due to the patriarchy etc often tend to organise the calendar etc and may choose their own family over and above Ds's.

Holds good for my family sadly.

I think my husband is still breastfed given how close he is to his mum tbh…

Closer than I am with my DM although I love her v much.

@Shady7 in what way is he close?

Rubbish. Boys and men are frequently total mummy’s boys and even if they’re not, they allow their mothers a lot of input on their lives. In my experience, girls and women are more independent.

If he doesn’t see her, they chat on the phone. He’ll ask her, as well as me, about work stuff. He’ll do nice things with her like take her for lunch, to the theatre - stuff she enjoys. They just have a lovely bond since he and his siblings lost their dad when still quite young in their early twenties.

I was only joking of course! 😂 I hope I have a son like my DH one day.

@Shady7 sounds like a lot of mother and daughter relationships. I'd be thrilled to have this relationship with my sons.

That sounds lovely @Shady7

😳 Your joke made it sound really enmeshed and gross, whereas that just sounds delightful. 😶

Without going into details it was very much my mum. She was very young when she had me and gave me up as soon as she could. Perhaps be more mindful on here that others might have different experiences to you

It's obviously true as it's an adage that everyone (somewhat ruefully) recognises. That isn't to say there won't be outliers - daughters who don't see their mums, and sons who are limpet-like attached. But nonetheless it's a reality that mums of boys should prepare themselves for. Avoid becoming toxic to your daughters in law at all costs!

I actually quite agree with this. Admittedly I've got no experience of sons as I only have the one DD,but I have seen quite a few examples among friends and relatives who do have sons that have been somewhat pushed out once their son gets married. Thankfully,I'm as close as could be to my DD, who's been married nearly 18 years.

@scatterolight it's a self fulfilling prophesy, it's not inevitable because it happens, it happens because people let it, there isn't anything genetically to make it true, just look at societies where the norms are reversed. I'm not preparing myself for it, I, unlike a lot of mothers with sons and daughters, am investing time in my son, I go to his sports, we have shared hobbies, we have a friendship. I don't palm him off to his dad preferring female company, of course I can't predict the future, but I suspect I have a much higher chance of having a relationship with my son than mothers who don't bother; either because they don't want to, don't need to, or don't realise the impact.

My brother is still attached to my Mum’s apron strings and he is in his late 40’s, she has always spoiled him and totally undermined any parter that he has had (and he has had loads!). The pattern usually goes - brother meets new partner, partner gets pregnant (he has a number of children), expects brother to step up and actually contribute to household/help with baby, my Mum tells him she is just lazy/trying to trap him, he leaves - rinse and repeat. His current one has lasted quite a while now but my Mum likes her.

My DH is close to his mum as is his brother. I see my Mum a lot but I am not especially close to her as she prefers my brother (see above) and I have zero intentions of caring for her in her old age although my brother might.

I do think some women do try to keep their DH’s away from their families, as much as MN will never admit that as it is always the MIL’s fault. There are a lot of controlling women out there (and they become the nightmare MIL’s when their own DC marry).

I think it’s true when the man has been raised to expect the women/wife to do all
the emotional labour for the families while the dad/husband has be able to drift in and out of the family functions and been a more waited on hand and foot kind.

Women used to just put up with and expect they would have to do everything. But more and more women decided fuck this for a laugh and that his family is his work. So the wife’s family ends up “prioritised” because she actually arranges stuff.

Where as the truth is the sons just too lazy/doesn’t care but the dils still often get the blame for his lack of giving a fuck basically.

Then you do get power struggles between some mils/dils. Where mil expects to basically run the sons home or a dil expects a mil to be cut off over mashed potatoes or something stupid. I’d say more often though it’s just men being lazy and women getting the blame 98% of the time.

I had it where I was told not even asked to get dh to visit more.. not sure how I was supposed to either be stopping him or meant to force him to do anything tbh 😂.

misogynistic bullshit.

These gender stereotypes are seriously offensive.

I do think the endless threads on here from women complains about their MILS ( or just one of those threads where anyone is invited to share their dislike of their MILS) is an excuse for mother cussing.
A woman is close to her mother and other women understand. A man is close to his mother and he is a 'mother's boy'. It is up there with 'narc' as a term of abuse. However, it manages to attack most older women and a lot of men. So for some women it is a win all round.