Not wanting a sibling at my funeral

[gertcher]

I've name changed for this.

I'm really not well. I'm ever hopeful that I will get better but it's not guaranteed!

It's made me think ...

I've a sibling that I don't get on with because they've treated my elderly parents badly.

It's got to the stage that I don't even want to be in the same room as my sibling!

Should the worst happen to me, I wouldn't want them at my funeral.

How do I go about making sure they don't attend? Is it a big ask to tell another family member to make sure they don't come?!

Nah, you'll be dead. Anyone can come, especially your sibling

You won’t know so it really won’t matter.
So sorry you aren’t well, I hope you do recover

I'm sorry you are facing this.
Sadly they are public so you can't actually ban someone.

If relatives tell them you've died and you didnt want them at the funeral they may ensure they go just to spite you.
You could ask relatives to not let them know you've passed until after the funeral but you'll have no way of knowing if that will work.

I have people I don't want at mine so have paid for a direct cremation instead.

My dc will then get my ashes and can have a private scattering if they wish (they don't want said people there either).

Sorry but I really don't think you can do this. They've pissed you off but you grew up with them and have a shared history regardless of how well you get on now. To be horribly blunt, it won't make any difference to you .

Wishing you all the best

Are your parents still alive? If yes, what would be best for them?

Write to them now and tell them you'll leave them something in your will on the stipulation that they don't attend your funeral.

Then leave them a letter saying 'thank you for respecting my wishes'

I wouldn't want to put other family members in an awkward position. Particularly not in a situation where they genuinely cannot affect me in the slightest.

Really sorry this is something plaguing you at this time though. Feels like this isn't the sort of cloud you want hanging over you when sick..

You will be dead. How can you make sure they don’t come? And even if they do, you won’t get upset about it as you’ll be dead.

I think legally the only two options are to have anyone attend your funeral who wants to, or have a direct cremation with no funeral where you can specify where the ashes go in your will.

You can freely ask a relative or close friend to tell your sibling it's your wish that they do not attend your funeral, so while there's no legal obligation there's certainly a moral one.
Only someone very arrogant would actually attend in that situation, especially if a lot of people know that's what you wanted.

Just put note with your will to say that you don’t want that person to come.
It might be seen in plenty of time prior to your funeral or maybe not but at least you’ve made your wishes known quietly without fanfare.
Alternatively, go for a direct cremation. Nobody will be present but your ashes are returned to family for internment.

Don’t want to seem patronising but …
Have you made a will?
Do you have a funeral plan?

Make sure you outlive them

You are dead, so won't know anyway but if you don't get along, what makes you think they will turn up? I know mine wouldn't.

You can ask family to make sure it doesn't happen. I had a family member who was told he wasn't welcome at a sibling's funeral (it's a very convoluted story). That wish was upheld

I get what you want, but it may perhaps be putting someone in a very bad position if they feel they have to step in put themselves in the middle of this, and as someone else said what about your parents? would your siblings absence be more distressing for them. If you want to be more diplomatic i would write sibling a note tell them you don't want them there , don't want performance grieving , so to respect your last wish and stay away, and ask the other person you mention to pass it on before your funeral , tehy don't have to know what note says.

There's still an entire legal and economic structure built on what someone wants to happen after they pass. It's important.

BEST ANSWER! !!!

hope you do @gertcher 🌷

My mother didn't want her sibling at her funeral, so we just didn't tell them about the death until a week after the funeral. It worked because we have a small family and no one else was in contact with the sibling. Sibling was very annoyed and everyone they had the address of got a shitty letter and there's been no contact since with anyone on that side of the family, at all.

I'm sure my mother would have been delighted to have caused such hurt throwing a final grenade into our family - but it's something we've had to live with, not her. The thing about funerals being for the living, not the dead applies here. You may not want your sibling there but if that just creates drama on the day and causes pain to your parents, is that worth it for you to make a point over someone who won't give a shit anyway?

I’m not sure putting a note with the will solves anything. Depending who holds OP’s will ( solicitor?) and who plans her funeral, the will might not be looked at until after information has been sent out.

Dnan always said that she didnt wish her daughter (my aunt) with her crocodile tears to attend her funeral as she'd been NC with her (and her DC) for years. DM told her estranged sister this, but aunt did chose to attend the funeral and wake, although sat at the back and didn't really interact with other guests or family. Probably came along to check Dnan was actually dead!
However DM felt her sister needed closure over their very difficult relationship.
Interestingly aunt did not attend DMs funeral or wake (gave no reason) and neither me or my siblings will be attending hers in the future for sure!

Please don't put this on your other family to manage for you, it's really not possible to stipulate who can and can't be at your funeral. It really won't matter to you but it might to the people left.

My uncle (not by marriage) was barred from his FIL's funeral but he still managed to come. To be fair his then wife was my aunt (DM's sister). Uncle was always going to come even though everyone hated him apart from his wife.

Well churches are public places not sure about crematoriums.

Crematoria are also. They won’t have a “guest list” at the door.

If no one tells the relative the time and location then they won’t go; but it’s a lot to put on all the family not to pass the info on if asked.

"If no one tells the relative the time and location then they won’t go; but it’s a lot to put on all the family not to pass the info on if asked."

Also means they can't put it in the paper to inform other acquaintances either.

To do with how they leave their property, not for banning relatives from public events, which may well be over before the will is read, in any case.).