Not wanting a sibling at my funeral

[gertcher]

I've name changed for this.

I'm really not well. I'm ever hopeful that I will get better but it's not guaranteed!

It's made me think ...

I've a sibling that I don't get on with because they've treated my elderly parents badly.

It's got to the stage that I don't even want to be in the same room as my sibling!

Should the worst happen to me, I wouldn't want them at my funeral.

How do I go about making sure they don't attend? Is it a big ask to tell another family member to make sure they don't come?!

Where have I mentioned evicting anyone? My original post was about writing a letter to be read telling anybody I thought would attend against my wishes what I think of them publically. I'd actually be delighed if I thought they'd have to sit through it in a situation of their own making!

I think religion is a fools errand, so absolutely no requirement for my funeral to be in a church - infact I wouldn't want it to be! A celebration of my life, my way, and if I want to speak at it myelf from beyond the grave, via letter (or even via video!), I will.

...And I have several good friends who are solicitors who would be more than willing to ensure my will is executed to the letter.

Edit: spelling

Vicars will not take that sort of instruction from you or anyone else about what happens during a rite of the Church that they are conducting and neither should they. Very doubtful a celebrant would be happy with this either.

I'm not religious so you being a parish minister is of no relevance to me.

I'm confident I have people who'd ensure my my funeral was conducted the way I instructed. The person hosting would be required to follow instructions, the same as the staff at any other event I was throwing! Any objections and they wouldn't get the gig.

But (a) you’re dead and (b) they’re not your employee.

“I'm confident I have people who'd ensure my my funeral was conducted the way I instructed. The person hosting would be required to follow instructions, the same as the staff at any other event I was throwing! Any objections and they wouldn't get the gig.”

They wouldn’t want the gig.

(having just arranged my dad’s secular funeral at a crematorium)

Celebrants are paid a couple of hundred quid and you have to be a “people person” to be one - given you are dealing with the great occasions of life - death, marriage etc. Why the heck would they take a gig to spread bad feeling?

I don't know why people are obsessed with Vicars and churchs. A decent percentage of the population are atheist.

Err...you were the one who mentioned "vicar" @SweetDreamsAreMadeOf as in

"If was my funeral, the celebrant/ vicar would be expected to do as they'd been bloody instructed."

You’re the one who used the word ‘vicar’ in your post of 12.22.

Are you actually this cantankerous in real life? if so, said celebrant might be the only one attending.

I was replying to Lifeinlists post, so I was paraphrasing her.

I've clarifyed several times since that I am not personally religious, and would have no desire to have my funeral in a church.

I was replying to lifeinlists post, so repeated her wording. I've said several times since that I am not personally religious.

I am absolutely - proudly - this cantankerous in real life. I've got lots of friends thank you very much (but they tend to think twice about getting on the wrong side of me!).

I'm confident there will be decent attendance at my funeral. People who are close to me will expect a decent show, they know I wouldn't settle for anything less.

If you care what happens at your funeral, as OP apparently does, then it's perfectly possible to take some ownership of it and have it done your way.

It won't stress you out on the day

It can’t dictate which public space a person can or cannot attend.

You can request it OP but bear in mind it will be your loved one’s left behind that will have to deal with the fall out of it.

Have a direct cremation ….they will not be able to attend this

I've got lots of friends thank you very much (but they tend to think twice about getting on the wrong side of me!).

I think you’ve probably less ‘friends’ then you realise.

You can think you want you want, you're of no relevance to me really.

I am quite happy. Never short of a social invite. Always people willing to show up when I need them. I don't suffer anywhere near the amount of handwringing, navel-grazing, people-pleasing drama that I read on mumsnet.

Probably because people are to scared to upset you 😂. You sound like a bully.

A lot of secular celebrants go by recommendation from undertakers or crematoria, so they may just wish to avoid any unpleasant scenes which could tarnish their reputation. They personally could also end up being the target of anger or upset on the day. Why would you do that?

OP, hopefully this is a problem which you won’t have to worry about for many, many years to come. This must be a really worrisome time for you, as well as being physically and mentally exhausting. It sounds like perhaps you’re channeling your worries and anxieties into this one potential issue, which unfortunately you will have little to no actual control over. In order to make sure they aren’t there you would have to have a private funeral, not publish the details of your passing/funeral, and/or have someone be willing to act as a “bouncer” to potentially escort this person out and risk a scene or distress to others who might witness it. Only you know if that trade off is worth it.

In your shoes I would stick to making it clear to literally whoever will listen that you have a challenging relationship with this person and you would prefer they weren’t there. On that basis they should have no truck with any crocodile tears or insincere expressions of sympathy, and that the person should be given the cold shoulder if they do turn up. If my earlier comments about fixating on this issue ring true, please also speak to someone IRL about your feelings. As someone with a history of anxiety I know how much energy and time thoughts like this can take up, rather than spending it on things that give you joy or pleasure.

My sister is terminally unwell and is estranged from family. She has an alcohol use problem and has end stage liver failure. Unfortunately over the years we have seen her thinking become more distorted and her alienate herself more and more. I know that she hates me so much (for reasons that I do not know as we never fell out). She just has become extremely defensive due to low self esteem over the years and it is obviously easier to blame others than self reflect.

I often wonder about her funeral. I know that she absolutely would not want me there. I would be torn between wanting to respect her wishes and also wanting to still be there to show my respects and grieve, particularly to remember her the way she was before she went awry and her life view became clouded. If she explicitly wrote down that she didn't want me there, I probably wouldn't go. However, if my parents were still alive, then I would have to prioritise their feelings and if they wanted me there to support them, then I would go.

I really hope that something changes before the time between us, or that she manages to stop drinking and have a liver transplant. She has been cruel towards me and cruel towards my parents, particularly by cutting them off. However, she clearly has her own issues and has not had a good or happy life. For me, family is everything and life is too short, for the most part, to fall out with family. I would reunite if I had the chance, despite her treatment towards me.

Why do you think that your siblings has behaved this way? Do your parents feel as though they have been cruel? What do they think about them and their reasons for acting like that? Sometimes there is more going on behind the scenes that helps explain behaviours. Of course they might just be a selfish idiot.

If the worst was to happen to you, and I really hope that it doesn't, i would prioritise your parents. I would have thought that barring your sibling would be upsetting to your parents, regardless of how they have treated them. Your parents must be devastated as it is, so I would minimise their pain and not add to it.

I don't force anyone to hang out with me. They do it of their own free will.

Damn right they do their best to avoid upsetting me though, I do not suffer fools gladly. 😂😂

Respectfully, if you say yourself that you are proud to be ‘cantankerous’ to the point that even people you consider ‘friends’ ‘think twice about getting on the bad side of you’ and that the reason for attendance at your funeral will be because ‘they know you wouldn’t settle for anything less’ than a ‘decent show’ — I think it would be very interesting to see attendance at the one event related to you by definition that they can skip without the slightest need to worry about what you ‘will settle for’ or ‘getting on the wrong side of you’.

You’ll be dead. They can skip your funeral with impunity.

And the opposite of ‘proudly cantankerous’ isn’t ’handwringing and people-pleasing’. It’s perfectly possible to have friends who like and love you, and retain respect for you, without all this grandstanding about friends being afraid to get on your bad side.

Tbh I hope to go one funeral for someone like SweetDreams at least once in my life. Sounds like there’s potential for lots of drama- if there’s a do somewhere after it’ll be like dinner and a show.

If was my funeral, the celebrant/ vicar would be expected to do as they'd been bloody instructed

That would work if you were someone like Lord Grantham back in 1800 and the vicar depended on you for his parish and his living. That's not the system we have now, thankfully.

And I'd think very poorly of any celebrant who read this out in front of grieving relatives. I'd think even more poorly of the deceased who made this a condition, and wonder why they wanted this to be people's last memory of them.

I was replying to your own post in which you specifically said that you would expect a celebrant or vicar to do what you wanted. Your words, not mine.

Irrespective of whether it's a religious or non-religious service, I can't see that anyone taking a funeral service would want to read out what seems to be a vindictive letter which would cause upset and possibly provoke conflict and distress during the service itself.

You'd struggle to find anyone who'd want to take on that "gig".

Honestly just let it go.

Funerals are for the living. If your sibling feels they need to grieve and be at your funeral, let them. You'll be beyond having any feelings about it anyway.

They might not want to be there, but again, you'll be past caring.

Don't let your poor relatives be left dealing with a post grave family feud telling someone they can't attend. That's not fair.

I hope you recover though so it's not an issue.

When I said a 'decent show', I meant that they knew it would a good party/ not dull ..Because that's the type of event I throw, and if it was going to be my last one ever, I would ensure it was set up to be on brand.

I'm perfectly nice to people who stay on the right side of me and can be great fun when it suits me. While a fair few of them have seen the fall out on the occasion someone has crossed a line, the wonderful thing about being uncompromising is that it filters people out who don't meet your standards.

Over the past 20 years, I've turned down 3 marriage proposals, been a bridesmaid 8 times, and was recently invited as the chosen +1 for an all expenses paid trip to Barbados that one of my friends won in a competition to name a few such examples...So there defintely seems to be a market of people who do seem to actively want to have me around.

So, as I said to a previous poster, you can think what you want. I'm quite happy. My way works for me.