Not wanting a sibling at my funeral

[gertcher]

I've name changed for this.

I'm really not well. I'm ever hopeful that I will get better but it's not guaranteed!

It's made me think ...

I've a sibling that I don't get on with because they've treated my elderly parents badly.

It's got to the stage that I don't even want to be in the same room as my sibling!

Should the worst happen to me, I wouldn't want them at my funeral.

How do I go about making sure they don't attend? Is it a big ask to tell another family member to make sure they don't come?!

@SweetDreamsAreMadeOf have you already made your funeral plans? Picked a venue etc?

I've made a Will yes, after a significant inheritence, and there is money set aside for funeral costs in that. The executor of that Will, a solicitor, is a close friend, and we have talked in conversation about ideas (for both me and him!). I'm confident he'd arrange something suitable if I were to die unexpectedly. If I was to get ill/ recieve notice that I would be dying imminently/ to an age where could be confident any chosen venue would still be in business at the point I died, I'd get more involved in planning the specifics.

Some elements of this thread remind me of the funeral of one of the great Golden Age Hollywood moguls, Mayer possibly. Someone well known (who it was escapes me) showed up at his funeral/wake and was asked why, as he had hated him with a passion for decades.

The answer was "I just wanted to make sure he was dead".

im not sure you can ban people from a funeral... and you'll be dead so it won't really matter to you i guess.

i have a sibling i haven't spoken too in what must be 10 years, and her health is not great and i have a real dilemma over her funeral.

on the one hand, i don't feel i am entitled to go because of all that has happened, and to be honest, i'm not sure i would ever know if she passed anyway, but on the other hand, she is my sister!

oh gosh this reminds me of the funeral of my ex last year.. 2 of my siblings hardly knew my ex yet insisted on attending his funeral purely to be able to mock me in my grief!

Unless you have a private funeral, invitation only, I don't know if you can? You'll be dead, so it won't matter to you anyway.

I had a massive health scare this weekend and asked a friend to ask someone not to attend my funeral - She wasnt pleased about it but understood it was my wishes and she would do it for me….

Otherwise, text / write to them and tell them they cant attend

I had a similar dilemma with my sister. I have had breast cancer and a double mastectomy. Not a word from her. I wrote a note in my death file that she was not to be told about my death and that if my family agreed I would like a direct cremation.
As it turned out she died late last year while away from home and was cremated there. I was genuinely away for the family get together although my adult child went.
I must rewrite my letter of intent.
I do totally understand your point of view and I think a direct to cremation then a private family tea would perhaps solve that problem.
I hope your health improves.

I think it's the height of self-importance to involve other people in communicating your wish that somebody shouldn't be allowed to attend. Do it yourself. Or let whoever is left decide what is best for them, they will be the ones mourning, not you. You won't be any the wiser but in life you will have made their lives that bit more difficult because you can. How is that fair?

We do direct cremation in my family, it's the norm. It's up to the closest member of the person's family to decide what to do with the ashes. I've said my husband can chuck mine in the bin if he likes but, whatever he wants to do is fine by me.

Point being, when you're no longer alive, don't put it on your closest people to make grand orchestrations on your behalf.

Have you considered that she might not wish to attend anyway if you don't get on? Maybe just tell your executor not to bother informing her?

We have had a couple of family fallouts on both sides over the years. Upon being told DF (his last remaining sibling) had died DFs LC brother told me categorically he didn't wish to attend and didn't want an online link to the funeral either (even before we'd set a date). I did think it'd be hypocritical of him if he did attend with any crocodile tears as everyone in the family knew they'd been LC for years.

I have been at a funeral when an unwanted family member turned up and it was awful for every living soul in the church witnessing their removal, while the one in the coffin who had issued the direction was beyond caring and couldn’t do anything about it anyway.

Who removed them? Did they use force? What did the vicar say because churches are public places?

Im sorry you are unwell and stressing about this. Try not to focus on this it’s not worth ur energy. Funerals r really for the living. You won’t be there so don’t worry about it.

Personally I don’t care who comes to my funeral because I’ll be dead.. it’s not skin off my back.. I do ask no one wears black because it’s downright dreary and I hate black clothes. I’ve also picked some songs, which are more humourous than sad and specifically picked for a reason. The rest of it, couldn’t care less. If someone wants to come that I don’t like, that’s up to them.

Sorry - been off MN over the weekend. There was a lot of hushed encouragement to leave by friends/vicar/undertaker for about 15 minutes. There was then a lot of shouting from the person who wasn't wanted there. Eventually two strong men from undertaker's plus vicar approached the person again (they had seated themselves at the front) and the vicar gently encouraged them to leave as the funeral wasn't going to commence until they did leave because the deceased's partner wouldn't enter the church while they were there (it was a Mexican standoff!). They eventually left, still shouting. It was really, really horrible as the funeral was already stressful because the deceased was someone who had died young leaving a very young family so everyone there was already quite unhappy and sad. Would never want to have to sit through anything like it again.