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Original poster

Found school bully on FB

58 replies

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:27

Not an AIBU...

But, I was sometimes bullied in my secondary school (girls school) and left after someone (who actually didn't bully me) set fire to my hair and I then left immediately after that and went to another school for 3 years. The actual bullying funnily enough was more girls falling out, not relentless every day stuff, we soon made up. But it was known as a rough school and other girls were regularly attacked, even with boys from other schools, the teacher and the headteacher did nothing or very little.

So this is all in the past, a school friend of mine from there, we still chat as she's on FB and she said 'have you seen X schools FB page?'. I'd viewed it once before but wasn't that interested. Then she said 'Susan X is on there, the one that set fire to your hair.' I had no idea she was on there, she seems to be doing ok from when I took a brief look and she looks moreorless the same as she did when we were at school. But my reason for adding this post is I'm almost tempted to send her a message and say 'do you know you were the reason I ended up leaving that school?' I get the feeling she'd deny this. So what would you do? Message her or just leave it.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 14/03/2024 15:31

Leave it, it's not worth it.

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2024 15:33

Leave it. Keep your head high and live your own life.

daffodilesque · 14/03/2024 15:34

Leave it. She probably wouldn't even care, so there'd be nothing much in it for you. Block her as well if you think you might be tempted to look at her page again.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/03/2024 15:36

What would be the point?

I would just leave it. Focus on the present.

TallulahBetty · 14/03/2024 15:37

I found a girl who was vile to me at uni. Reported some of her bikini pics for nudity, and loads got taken down (a few years ago, FB was stricter back then). Her rants about who it could be were v entertaining.

Petty yes, but twas a small but satisfying victory for me! Any scope for you?

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:44

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/03/2024 15:36

What would be the point?

I would just leave it. Focus on the present.

I'd want to know if she actually remembered what she did. It's strange, I barely spoke to her. She was known as being naughty, but not a bully.

I won't deny, the petty, nasty part of me if I ever saw her would give her a smack in the mouth, but no idea where she lives.

OP posts:
pleasecallmeback · 14/03/2024 15:45

How did she set fire to your hair? That's such an awful thing to do to someone.

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:46

TallulahBetty · 14/03/2024 15:37

I found a girl who was vile to me at uni. Reported some of her bikini pics for nudity, and loads got taken down (a few years ago, FB was stricter back then). Her rants about who it could be were v entertaining.

Petty yes, but twas a small but satisfying victory for me! Any scope for you?

Her posts are all tame. Hardly any of them. She's a nurse now.

OP posts:
IggOrEgg · 14/03/2024 15:47

I’d be very surprised if she didn’t make the link that she set fire to your hair then you immediately left
that being said, there’s absolutely nothing to be gained by messaging her imo.

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:48

pleasecallmeback · 14/03/2024 15:45

How did she set fire to your hair? That's such an awful thing to do to someone.

She used a lighter and we were all sitting in the school sports hall when she just did it.

From this day to now, I have no idea why she did it. We had no contact, ha never fallen out but had only been in the same class a year. I was a bit shy but not overly shy, quite bubbly I guess. Probably didn't stick up for myself as much as I could've done. She got in trouble I think because I just walked out of school and didn't return, was in either the first or second week of September that year.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 14/03/2024 15:48

Tempting, but sadly she’ll either deny/ignore or be delighted she had that much impact on you. 😕

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:49

IggOrEgg · 14/03/2024 15:47

I’d be very surprised if she didn’t make the link that she set fire to your hair then you immediately left
that being said, there’s absolutely nothing to be gained by messaging her imo.

I'm sure she knew. And I'm sure she felt little or no remorse. It was the type of school that when the Head of Year spoke to my mum (who was a teacher) and complained the HOY said I should come back. My mum said 'would you come back if someone did this to you?' The HOY couldn't answer that one. Luckily DM had the money for a private school so that's where I went.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:50

Craftycorvid · 14/03/2024 15:48

Tempting, but sadly she’ll either deny/ignore or be delighted she had that much impact on you. 😕

I wish in a sense I did know where she lived, because sad to say if I saw her, I'd ensure it was her and give her a slap or something. Which is the total opposite of my normal character.

OP posts:
silentassassin · 14/03/2024 15:51

The best revenge is living a good life I've found. By contacting her you will have to be ok with three potential responses:

  1. She'll apologise (doubtful but possible- people can change but its rare)
  2. She'll tell you to go fuck yourself and start off being mean again and wont that bring it all back and hurt you?
  3. She'll ignore it completely - which could also be hurtful for you

Are you going to be ok with any of these because you really have no idea which way she'll go. If not, leave it. Move on with your life and leave it in the past. Alternatively, you could employ a reign of revenge from a distance but you'd have to do this in a cold, logical manner when your emotions are not heightened as you'll make mistakes otherwise. That said, revenge rarely brings us the closure we think it will and it will mean your thoughts are still dominated by her and her nasty actions. My advice is to set yourself free from this and never look at her profile again.

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:52

silentassassin · 14/03/2024 15:51

The best revenge is living a good life I've found. By contacting her you will have to be ok with three potential responses:

  1. She'll apologise (doubtful but possible- people can change but its rare)
  2. She'll tell you to go fuck yourself and start off being mean again and wont that bring it all back and hurt you?
  3. She'll ignore it completely - which could also be hurtful for you

Are you going to be ok with any of these because you really have no idea which way she'll go. If not, leave it. Move on with your life and leave it in the past. Alternatively, you could employ a reign of revenge from a distance but you'd have to do this in a cold, logical manner when your emotions are not heightened as you'll make mistakes otherwise. That said, revenge rarely brings us the closure we think it will and it will mean your thoughts are still dominated by her and her nasty actions. My advice is to set yourself free from this and never look at her profile again.

I am going to leave it, tempting as it is to follow it up.

And I'd never have known about her had it not been for my friend drawing my attention to her. Most of us who were at school there either keep in touch or don't bother.

OP posts:
Annymania · 14/03/2024 15:55

Leave it, enjoy your life

silentassassin · 14/03/2024 15:59

And I'd never have known about her had it not been for my friend drawing my attention to her. Most of us who were at school there either keep in touch or don't bother

My school bully tried to friend me on Facebook (haha! - as if I'd want someone who made my life a misery at school seeing all my personal details and photos). I simply removed the friend request and blocked her with no communication at all. I have no idea if she did it on purpose to annoy me or if she genuinely had no idea what a giant bitch she was at school (she bullied many people and it was the 90s so school did nothing about it, they were crap). My gut feeling was it was the latter- she simply had no idea of the effect it had on people. That was enough for me- it felt like me simply slamming a door in her face and imposing a very healthy boundary. I didnt want to engage as I had wasted enough time as a kid worrying about her. Seeing her profile was also revenge enough as she turned out to be a bit of a loser by the looks of it.

MummaMummaJumma · 14/03/2024 16:08

I think it’s common to want some sort of closure after a violent act has been committed against us/someone we love. That’s why in court, victim impact statements are so significant, so it’s not unusual for you to feel this way - you were a victim of a very violent crime. I’m so sorry you went through that my love.

I’d be tempted to send her message expressing exactly what this did to you. In fact after sending that, I’d likely block her so she couldn’t respond. Pass back the shame to her, where it belongs!

x2boys · 14/03/2024 16:26

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 15:50

I wish in a sense I did know where she lived, because sad to say if I saw her, I'd ensure it was her and give her a slap or something. Which is the total opposite of my normal character.

Show quote history

Then it would be you that would be in trouble going to the trouble of tracking her down and assaulting her.

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 16:35

x2boys · 14/03/2024 16:26

Then it would be you that would be in trouble going to the trouble of tracking her down and assaulting her.

Show quote history

Oh I wouldn't track her down to assault her, I'd just ensure I knew I was in the same place by chance and if we had a confrontation and that came about then what of it? I mean my school friend who I speak to who told me about this has told me she thinks she knows where she lives, but at the end of the day, it's not worth my time and effort to instigate a chance meeting and do something which I would regret afterwards.

I've seen since started this thread that she's posted photos of herself at a restaurant which I know and where I sometimes go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 16:38

MummaMummaJumma · 14/03/2024 16:08

I think it’s common to want some sort of closure after a violent act has been committed against us/someone we love. That’s why in court, victim impact statements are so significant, so it’s not unusual for you to feel this way - you were a victim of a very violent crime. I’m so sorry you went through that my love.

I’d be tempted to send her message expressing exactly what this did to you. In fact after sending that, I’d likely block her so she couldn’t respond. Pass back the shame to her, where it belongs!

See, if she reads my message all good (or not good).

I still cannot fathom though, why on earth did she do what she did to me? It was to get a reaction from me but I think she thought, oh I'm bored, I'm sitting next to Gonna, I've got a lighter, what can I do, oh set light to her hair (I had normal hair, quite nice) and yes, I was an easy target. She wasn't a nasty girl, more funny and prone to being naughty. Liked to push people's buttons. It would be very different if we fell out, had words, something like that but we never did.

OP posts:
Troopl · 14/03/2024 16:38

dont message no good will come of it for you it’s just going to open up wounds and likely do very little to help as you probably won’t get the response you seek. Block her so you don’t become obsessed with looking at her profile etc as it will drive you mad.
And absolutely don’t assault her, you won’t feel good afterwards and what if she calls the police etc.

what she did was awful, but the best thing to do would be to move on and live your life without thinking about her anymore.

Original poster
Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 16:39

x2boys · 14/03/2024 16:26

Then it would be you that would be in trouble going to the trouble of tracking her down and assaulting her.

Show quote history

For someone to say this to me, well, says more about you than it does about me. Were you in fact one of the bullies at your school?

OP posts:
silentassassin · 14/03/2024 16:41

Oh I wouldn't track her down to assault her, I'd just ensure I knew I was in the same place by chance and if we had a confrontation and that came about then what of it? I mean my school friend who I speak to who told me about this has told me she thinks she knows where she lives, but at the end of the day, it's not worth my time and effort to instigate a chance meeting and do something which I would regret afterwards

Do it in your imagination- you cant be charged for that! Take 10 mins, do some calm deep breathing, sit back and imagine the most cathartic interaction you can with her where you punch her repeatedly in the face. Feel the satisfaction of it and her look of utter shock. Then in your mind determine that it's resolved now and done and dusted and you have complete closure. Get it out of your system and then forget all about her.

x2boys · 14/03/2024 16:41

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/03/2024 16:35

Oh I wouldn't track her down to assault her, I'd just ensure I knew I was in the same place by chance and if we had a confrontation and that came about then what of it? I mean my school friend who I speak to who told me about this has told me she thinks she knows where she lives, but at the end of the day, it's not worth my time and effort to instigate a chance meeting and do something which I would regret afterwards.

I've seen since started this thread that she's posted photos of herself at a restaurant which I know and where I sometimes go.

Show quote history

Why would you go somewhere you know she goes to start a confrontation?
Just leave it now you are both adults