Found school bully on FB

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

Not an AIBU...

But, I was sometimes bullied in my secondary school (girls school) and left after someone (who actually didn't bully me) set fire to my hair and I then left immediately after that and went to another school for 3 years. The actual bullying funnily enough was more girls falling out, not relentless every day stuff, we soon made up. But it was known as a rough school and other girls were regularly attacked, even with boys from other schools, the teacher and the headteacher did nothing or very little.

So this is all in the past, a school friend of mine from there, we still chat as she's on FB and she said 'have you seen X schools FB page?'. I'd viewed it once before but wasn't that interested. Then she said 'Susan X is on there, the one that set fire to your hair.' I had no idea she was on there, she seems to be doing ok from when I took a brief look and she looks moreorless the same as she did when we were at school. But my reason for adding this post is I'm almost tempted to send her a message and say 'do you know you were the reason I ended up leaving that school?' I get the feeling she'd deny this. So what would you do? Message her or just leave it.

No but I'm an adult and I know that if you go out of your way to deliberately try and track someone down and then punch them for something that happened when you were teenagers
You could well find yourself in a whole heap of trouble

I would personally leave it. I wouldn't want to run the risk that she ignored me.

And as for a confrontation, how would you provoke one anyway?

If someone from my school came to me as an adult and said theyd felt bullied by me in high school, I would be nothing but apologetic.

I have no idea how you'd provoke someone into a confrontation, unless theyre still a total scrote. You'd have to hope that someone who now works as a nurse has grown/matured over the years.

I would not be deliberately trying to track anyone down. If I bumped into her at a venue where we both go (not beyond the realms of possibility) and we had words and then I end up slapping her then that's life really. If she wants to press charges based on that, let her go ahead.

And most bullies deny what they've done so I don't believe you weren't one.

Honestly, I'm not doing anything in real life about this! I know what I'd like to do to her but I'm not stupid enough to actually do it!

And messaging her, I think the whole point of this post was just to gauge opinions. If anything I'm slightly annoyed at my school friend for stirring shit up about this.

It couldn’t end well. She’s either still the same or if she’s changed, she’ll hardly recognise herself in what you say.

You can believe what you want
But if you go round slapping people in a public place for an incident that occurred years ago it would be you on an assault charge not her .

She may have changed. People do. The worst school bully at my school was on Friends Reunited (I’m that old) posting that she recognised how awful she was at school and how sorry she was for how she treated people back then.
It’s natural to want someone to acknowledge what harm they did to you, but it rarely gives you the closure you need. She may not remember the incident, in which case you’ll feel even worse that such a significant event in your life meant nothing to her. Letting it go as something you are doing for yourself and your own peace of mind can be very powerful.

Hi OP, posters are getting confused as (I think) you just need to vent, let out some rage, talk over this scenario. I imagine a lot of very strong emotions are being stirred up all of a sudden. Your response is completely understandable.

However, when you talk about "coincidentally" bumping into your bully, it can read a bit like you are planning it. Hypothetical revenge is fun for a while, but PP is right when they say that you'd get in trouble. Frankly this awful woman isn't worth another moment of your effort - and certainly not worth a criminal record for!

Why are you accusing people of being bullies because they don't think assaulting someone as revenge is a good idea?
You would be in a lot of trouble if you smack her in the mouth in a restaurant in front of god knows how many witnesses. It's not wrong to point this out to you.

x2boys has given you totally correct and factual advice. You could end up with a criminal record if you did what you are suggesting. Which would give the other party the last laugh, wouldn't it?

Don't risk getting in trouble over her. Honestly, now I just laugh at my school bullies. They have pathetic little lives. One of my main bullies who laughed when my relative died and threatened me with violence actually got decked by her boyfriend whilst pregnant so that was cheap.

I feel ya OP
I saw my school bully set up a boo hoo page because she now has a serious health condition (not cancer) and I'm so tempted to say "couldn't have happened to a nicer person"

But I haven't.

People can do some stupid and nasty things as children that they would never do as adults. She did not express remorse at the time but we dont know what she will do now.

There are two possibilities if you contact her. She will remember, feel regret and have a chance to apologize. You will have said what you need to and got an apology.

She may not apologize, show remorse or even claim not to remember. In this case you will still have said your piece but without the gratification of her acknowledging how wrong she was.

Could go either way. Depends on how well you would deal with the upset if she is a jerk. And if you can say it neutrally - if she is a nasty person (which it does not sound like from what you have said) she may get a kick out of you still being upset.

What a vile nasty girl 😡 how was she not excluded? Awful if you would have been my daughter i would have contacted the police.

I don’t feel you need to repeat this over and over. I get it.

Lol what would be the point

Why would you give her the satisfaction of letting her know she’s still in your head? Don’t send the message, it makes you look pathetic.

Agreed

I was bullied badly at high school and then during my 30s crossed paths with 3 of them at various times, I did bring it up, all 3 of them denied it and said that they would never do such things and had kids themselves and hated bullies etc

I don't think it registered with them at the time that they were bullies, it was their nature, they thought it was fun to be part of a big group and call names or spit or push, they didn't realise how utterly shit they made people feel.

I'm glad I said something though, I hate having things on my mind and although they denied it I felt better for getting it off my chest and it helped me move on.

The headteacher at the time at that school had a softly softly approach which meant rarely excluding or suspending pupils. This school was known as rough and with pupils from disadvantaged backgrounds yet it was no different to most other schools locally then. My nana had the money to pay for both DB and I to go to private schools but never offered, I think she regretted this later.

It was only when I left and heard years later that boys attacked girls at the school (even though it was a girls school) and that bullying was rife there yet no one did anything! I’ve no idea why DM didn’t call the police at the time, you just didn’t back then. If it was now, I’d 100% call the police.

To everybody else who answered, no I’m not giving this woman the satisfaction of letting her know I was affected by her. It was just quite a shock seeing her today on FB after all these years. Especially as I have moved on from this. I mean hey, maybe I’d feel better if I smacked her in the mouth after she’d set fire to my hair? Who knows? Shock affects people in different ways. I did see her once in the street with other girls the summer after I left the school but I just walked past her and some of my old class with my new school friends (there were lots of us) at a bus stop, I think they tried to speak to me but I didn’t stop and didn’t speak to them. My new school was nearby and I had to walk past my old school sometimes to get to another part of town but we were told by our school not to speak to this school’s pupils as they were common (the new school’s words not mine).

But no I won’t be getting into a violent confrontation with her. I do hope she does remember what she did though and maybe feels remorse, but I’m not holding my breath about that.

I guess you could always ask your friend to message her and ask if she remembers setting fire to your hair? She might get some info on why. Probably best to leave it though.

You’ve explained this really well, OP. I can imagine your adult self really wants to do what your little self couldn’t, it makes total sense to me.

Bullying is absolutely horrible, I’m so glad you have carved a path out for yourself but that doesn’t mean the past can’t still be triggering.

Well you could always post on the Facebook page and tag her in it ....OMG Susan X fancy you being on here after what you did. You were the reason I left after you set fire to my hair - do you remember? Glad to see you grew up into a worthwhile human being.

I'd probably write it but then delete it and just scroll on.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Sadly, I suspect all you'll achieve by contacting her is to let her know that she still lives rent-free in your head. And if she denies it, doesn't respond or won't apologise, you'll probably feel worse because you won't have gotten the closure you're hoping for.

If you're struggling to put the issue to bed, you could always write a letter to express your feelings and then destroy it.

A few years ago Facebook suggested the profile of a bloke who bullied me at school. I had a look at his profile and he's now short (well, I suppose he always was short), fat and bald. That was enough for me do a little lol.

I was too small and quiet at school. More of a late bloomer. I did think about what would happen if our paths crossed again, but at the same time I thought what does it matter now.

Turned out we have some mutual friends through football and I heard he broke his ankle not long after that. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke.