Are homebodies or introverts perceived as boring?

[weakrasiontea]

So I am a homebody, I love being at home with my DH or just in my own company reading, watching films, cooking etc. I do also work mostly from home as an artist. Never in my life have I been into pubs and clubs, I don't drink and mostly I don't enjoy the music played at night clubs or often how people act in bars if they have had a few too many, I am also not that into big parties the music is often too loud to be able to talk to anyone properly and I just don't enjoy that.

I do go out to specific concerts, the theatre, art shows and to different restaurants either if I am out anyway or if there is a particular place I want to try, I like to cook a lot and so am interested in trying new places for inspiration but I wouldn't go out just to go out. I like to travel but we are more likely to save up and go somewhere like Japan or Chile or something every few years rather than go abroad every year and so most years we will just stay in the UK or Ireland. We also when the weather permits have local trips or go hillwalking or something. However there are also lots of weekends where we are pretty happy to be home just doing out own thing. If I meet friends its either at our homes or in a café as opposed to a bar.

To me this is all pretty normal I am sure but an attitude I feel like I am coming up against with my DH's family his sisters to be specific that we are boring because we don't go out and do things enough. I totally get that lots of people like to go out a lot, they like to get dressed up and go for afternoon tea with bubbles or to the Ivy or to a club or that they prefer a sun, sea and sand holiday every year. They also go to nice restaurants and the theatre but if they have no plans to go to something specific one week they will just go to anything just to get out. Again this is totally fair enough but doing all that surely doesn't automatically make them more interesting than me because they went to see Wicked again and I stayed in and read a book?

Another woman I know is dating and one of her big complaints is trying to find a guy who wants to go out frequently as she says most just want to stay home, which is in her view dull and makes a person dull. Of course she should find a person she is compatible with but it feels like there is this whole thing that going out equals being fun, interesting and youthful while staying at home equates to being dull and narrow minded and sliding into old age. I mean surely it depends on what people actually do with their time?

I was an extrovert when I was younger and rubbish at spending time by myself. My DH when I met him used to say you have to feel comfortable spending time on your own. Only 18 but very wise so I got better at this. Now I'm an introverted extrovert. I have hobbies with others but have to have time to myself. I think people who can enjoy their own company are to be admired and are actually very interesting

There are no doubt many people out there who would perceive my life as boring.

Do I give a shit? No I don't. I'd rather have my life than theirs.

I'm an introverted homebody but wld like to meet a partner. If only there were a dating app for us types.

None of this has anything to do with introversion or extroversion. People are always getting that wrong on here.

And I think you’re setting up a straw man situation, OP (though it sounds as if it’s prompted by what the relatives who find you boring like doing) — it’s not a matter of people who like going out being empty-headed, hedonistic social butterflies mindlessly pubbing and clubbing and going AI to Lanzarote annually because they can’t bear to be alone vs fascinating, deep-thinking, homebodies who are reading Persian poetry and painting in oils while travelling thoughtfully to interesting, obscure places. In terms of how they are experienced by other people, both types are absolutely capable of being ‘boring’.

I have two friends who seldom go out. One has spent years restoring a semi-ruined country house, doing almost all the work herself, and restores antique furniture for a living, travels, has a lot of arcane accomplishments (many languages, skis, plays real tennis), is thoughtful, articulate and fascinating to talk to. The other, while he is an intelligent man, just plays computer games and barely leaves the sofa.

You put it much better than I did! Love the Persian poetry 😂

I think you should hit dancefloors whilst your skeleton still allows

Then stay in and read!

They're not mutually exclusive, you know. I am a homebody, but quite extroverted.

This always comes up on extrovert vs. introverts threads. Extroverts are always labelled loud, annoying, ‘empty vessels’, shallow etc. And yet I never hear extroverts being as horrible the other way around.

There is no binary here - everyone is different. Some people are ‘loud and annoying’ because they’re deeply insecure and overcompensate in social situations. My dd is very quiet, not because she’s shy, but because she’s actually very comfortable in her own skin and doesn’t feel the need to project herself into a situation. I’m an introvert but present to the outside world as extremely extrovert.

Op you humbly call yourself a ‘boring introvert’ but your examples of seemingly ‘extrovert’ behaviour contrasted with how deeply cultured and deep you are by comparison hints at an unpleasant superiority.

I suggest that might be at the root of the tensions between you and your DH’s family rather than anything else.

I think those who call others boring for wanting to stay at home are often doing it because they want those people to spend time with them going somewhere! It isn't an introvert problem! I am guilty of saying that myself. I like going out and doing things with others but as I have got older I am much better at enjoying being alone and I think this is a positive skill. I still like going out but can now say no to events that I won't enjoy. @weakrasiontea Your SILs should understand that everyone is different and I suspect they are terrified someone might think they aren't busy doing exciting things!! And having seen Wicked (I really liked it), I would take reading a good book overseeing it for a second time any day!

But why is staying home boring? Why is going to bars 'exciting'

Sure, in my early 20s. Anything after a while is boring especially going to bars. How many years can one do that without finding it dull as dishwater.
Especially if you don't drink which bizarrely puts me in the boring camp even more apparently

To me going to sit in a pub all night, or to a nightclub, sounds incredibly boring. But if the folk doing it are happy that’s great they should enjoy it. Meantime I will enjoy my sofa and a good film/book/game and the company of my immediate family. If some people think that sounds boring then what do I care?!

I think experiencing new things does keep you mentally active and young. Doesn't have to be bars and clubs but keeping up with the changing world is a huge part of staying mentally young. There is a risk that if you do the same things all your life you will get old before your time. Mixing with different generations also keeps your outlook fresh. Nothing to do with boring or not boring though

I think experiencing new things does keep you mentally active and young. Doesn't have to be bars and clubs but keeping up with the changing world is a huge part of staying mentally young. There is a risk that if you do the same things all your life you will get old before your time. Mixing with different generations also keeps your outlook fresh. Nothing to do with boring or not boring though

I do agree with this, especially if you are already wfh

Yes I think often by extroverts

And introverts are often seen as easy to walk over too

it’s irritating but I’ve learnt to ignore it

I love a gentle quite life

I mix with people of different ages at work but socially I really have little interest in hanging around anyone who is half my age unless a family event

im fine being my age too I don’t feel the need to be young for my age

Yes a lot of those hobbies do sound boring if that's all you do.

What I dislike about this attitude is that I do enjoy being on my own, I enjoy reading and painting, and have plenty of hobbies, but I still prefer getting out and doing things and having fun. Extroverts always get painted as shallow and as if they could never have read a book or appreciated a peice of art in their life, as if because you enjoy dancing to loud music means you could never have any deep interests. And as if being silly and having fun is somehow a lesser way to spend your time?

I am a bizarre combination in that I love doing things but also love being alone. Living with a family with no personal space stresses me terribly so I often need to be out to be alone. I am a small talker, I love meeting new people and I love parties and nights out. I find most people interesting on some level but it depends more on who they are than what they do. If someone reads a lot they are rarely boring to me. However someone who talks about trending topics that they read online with no critical analysis whatsoever is dull to me. Either way I like to stick around to find out as people don't always fit in the box we try to put them in and that is one reason I love different people.

The smug introvert as @CurlewKate describes is however a type I don't like. The ones who make it clear that they do not want to know anyone of my 'type' because they perceive talkative or friendly people as annoying. It doesn't occur to them how insulting they are, they are the only ones where I think 'well f* you too then'. I never think they are boring as such, just quiet egotists.

I worked in an office with two women who liked to stay in, watch TV, eat take away. One would hang out with her boyfriend, the other with her cats. At the time, it was totally alien to me (we were in our 30s). I was never inside the door.

I think theres a difference between boring vs interesting and boring vs fun.
I wouldn't say that somebody who likes to do the things you described is uninteresting, they might have lots to say and be a very interesting and engaging person. But they don't sound fun. They sound content, satisfied, comfortable, happy etc and all of those things can be part of an interesting person.
But fun is different to contentment and quiet enjoyment.
You can say you had a lovely relaxing time doing crafts or watching tv but that would be a weird way to describe ziplining or being at a festival. Same as it would be a bit out of place to put down your crochet to yell how much fun you are having.

I don't think its a bad thing, its great to be able to get all the happiness you need out of a calmer life eithout needing to chase new fun exciting things. That doesn't mean your life isn't interesting or really enjoyable, it's just not fun and exciting.

I am an absolute introvert (inasmuch that I get my energy by being alone and find 'peopling' entirely draining). However, I have a job which requires some socialisation so I gird myself and get out there - sometimes it's fun for a change but then I need to lie down for a while!
I live in London and love that there are so many opportunities for me to go (alone usually) to explore culture, art and even just people watching - which is a favourite activity.
My Mum is a complete extrovert - gets her entire validation from others... but is the biggest homebody if you define it by gardening, cooking and knitting.
You do you... and ignore any comments

Can't you see you're doing the exact same thing as you have accused others of doing?
You have judged people that stay home watching soaps and bargain hunt as boring.... even if they are perfectly happy doing just that.
Just because your interests may be considered more high brow don't think you are any different to those entertaining themselves in a way that suits them!

We are all different. I live rurally and while I wish I had more friends, I’m happy in my own company. Dogs, chickens, gardening, crochet, baking. Etc. I feel a bit stressed out in busy places but do love to shop and have lunch out.
We don’t go on sun holiday, we explore the Uk. I’d like to go to Italy some day. And have been to lots of places in Europe and USA. My brother is totally opposite to me. He’d hate my life. He likes to go on sun holidays and to the pub and weekends in the city. It’s good to be different. Nothing wrong with it.

I'm the same as you but instead of a dh I have a dc.

If I was dating I'd definitely like a man who liked to go out in the beginning stages of a relationship.
I don't want to get to know someone sitting in a sofa in front of the Tv night after night!

OP you sound exactly like me. I hate getting glammed up and going out but thankfully never have to do that nowadays.
My old workplace has now got a social committee and they go out to shows, dress up 80s nights etc on a fairly regular basis. I'm so glad they didn't do that when I was there as I could think of nothing worse

We found out one of the locals, an older gentleman, in our favourite pub used to work in the White House, lawyer type thing. It was a fascinating conversation. Bit like a book you can ask questions to. A woman who had worked in number 10 and a gardener who used to work for Prince Charles as he was then.

You can meet experts in their fields when you are out and about. You just don't know who might be there, that's the beauty of it all. You can meet people whom work in technology security or development instead of just reading about it in a book or news article.

I'm not saying that going out to fill a gap for the sake of it is a great idea, but people go to bars and meet interesting people all the time, they don't talk about who was there, or what they were wearing unless there was someone who was using their body as a walking work of art, fashion I think it's called :-), but clothing can be an art form and some people are very good at it.

And yes maybe at the weekend, after a week in a operating theatre when you have been part of a team trying to save a stabbed teenagers life you don't want to master cello or watch some avant garde movie, you might want the Masked Singer with a box of pringles because you know next week you have to save lives all over again.

Society doesn't progress by everyone staying at home. People with drive and ideas need to meet to get things going. And this can happen in a bar.

I like staying home, but also like going out, sometimes I can't find anything I want to go out to so stay in restlessly, sometimes I am dragged out and have an amazing time and meet a new surprising someone. Sometimes I meet dreadful people, but that doesn't stop us finding some common ground for a conversation.

Variety and making the most of every situation is what we do in this household.
I think that's more "normal". But I might be wrong. I will make enquires when out and about, not a bad conversation starter, if you leave the high brow, low brow judgement out, you don't tend to get the best out of people if you start off by saying their favourite reading genre isn't really worth their time or the paper it's printed on.