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Original poster

Being the other grandparents

59 replies

Howlongdoesittake · 28/02/2024 18:03

I know this is a thing and I can't change it. But I am the other grandma and it really hurts. I am resigned to not being in my grandchilds life the way my DIL family are. She is lovely, sends my pictures and updates and is always happy for us to visit but works with her mum meaning at least one overnight stay a week (due to distance) and then they spend a lot of weekends at family events. We live 5 hours away in comparison to 1.5 hours to her family so travelling to us with a toddler is more difficult.

The really galling thing is before grandchild was born her mother was totally disinterested in DIL and when she moved house while DIL was at Uni bought a house and told her she couldn't come home in the hols as there wasn't a bedroom for her. Baby arrived and it's oh we love you stay with us work with us.

Not looking for advise just having a pity party. I know my son loves me he just has different priorities now and I feel sad.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 28/02/2024 18:10

Is there any possibility at all of moving closer? Whilst yes, your DS’s priorities might be different, five hours is a difficult distance to maintain a close relationship over.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/02/2024 18:12

I think with a massive difference in distance it's inevitable that the relationships are going to work differently.

Original poster
Howlongdoesittake · 28/02/2024 18:13

Not at the moment and he is in the army so we could move and he could get posted elsewhere. Just feeling sad today. Recovering from horrible fly so more emotional than usual.
I do understand the logistics with a small child.

OP posts:

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Families
Rocknrolla21 · 28/02/2024 18:15

I don’t think comparing yourselves to the other grandparents is helpful. It’s not like they’re pushing you out in any way, or deliberately favouring them. You don’t see them as much as it’s a ten hour round trip 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Howlongdoesittake · 28/02/2024 18:16

I know. Did say I was just having a pity party. Doesn't stop me feeling sad.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 28/02/2024 18:18

As others have said, it's mainly to do with the physical distance between you. It's inevitable that you can't be as closely involved in your DGC lives when you live so far apart. Sad but true.

pickledandpuzzled · 28/02/2024 18:19

As the dc get older it will change. They can come and stay in the school holidays and it will be more special to them than the granny they see most often.

My side of the family were much closer with my kids than DH’s, despite living closer, because of personalities. They gel with my side more than his side.

MargaretThursday · 28/02/2024 18:21

I have similar distances between my parents (about 5 hours if the M6 isn't too bad) and dh's family (about 2 hours).

Thing is we see dh's family as a day visit or short overnight. When we see my family it's longer. We see dh's family frequently over the year. Mine normally 1-2 times a year.
But it means that when we visit my parents it's more special. Mum will get in special things for the children, (even now they're adults) and buy them little treats when out.
I think actually the dc generally preferred going there.
And now they're older they've done some visits on their own. Dd2 went on her own by train when she was about 12yo. There were 3 changes, so we did the transport link with someone to help, and she had a great time.

So what I'd say is do the visits a couple of times a year, and invite them to yours. But also as the children get older then you can send them your own things. Mine would be thrilled to get a postcard from granny when on holiday. Or a good luck car, or occasionally a message to say they'd heard that they'd needed XX (something smallish) in their hobby and they'd transferred money so we could get it for them, something extra we wouldn't have bought for them at that time.
It made them feel remembered and loved.

Wheresthescissors · 28/02/2024 18:21

My dc absolutely adored their grandmother who lived in another country. They saw less of her, but when together she was very present for them and took lots of time to talk to them and play. Visiting her was a real treat for them.
They certainly didn't love her less than the one they saw more often (who they also loved).

Ithinkitstimeforbed · 28/02/2024 18:21

I’m sorry OP, this must be really rubbish. I am conscious my parents are a few minutes away and my lovely in laws are 1.5 hours away, I don’t know how to make it even but I think things will change a bit when toddler is older and can stay with them.

I understand why you’re sad and hope you feel better soon 💖

commonground · 28/02/2024 18:24

Ah, I'm sorry.

If it helps, I grew up living near one set of GPs and far away from the other. I adored both sets equally.

The away ones would come and stay for a couple of weeks a year and we would all look forward to it and get so much out of it in a really concentrated time. The near ones I would see for shorter periods more regularly )after school/an hour at the weekend maybe).

I felt really close to both sets, so maybe it's quality rather than quantity time you should seek.

johnworf · 28/02/2024 18:31

I completely get this. I'm a granny too. I see my daughter and her children all the time.

My 2 sons and their children I see much less but they spend lots of time with their partners family.

What's the old saying...
"A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life".

Ithinkitstimeforbed · 28/02/2024 18:32

johnworf · 28/02/2024 18:31

I completely get this. I'm a granny too. I see my daughter and her children all the time.

My 2 sons and their children I see much less but they spend lots of time with their partners family.

What's the old saying...
"A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life".

This makes me so sad as a parent of one son :(

johnworf · 28/02/2024 18:41

I'm sorry Ithinkitstimeforbed

Didnt mean to upset anyone and it's not a rule just an old saying.

💐

Rocknrolla21 · 28/02/2024 18:42

Ithinkitstimeforbed · 28/02/2024 18:32

This makes me so sad as a parent of one son :(

Show quote history

It really does depend. I had a poor relationship with my parents growing up, and ended up moving countries to be near my in-laws when I had my children as I wanted them to grow up with family. As it turns out my shit parents are grandparents of the year (I think that’s often the case), and the in-laws couldn’t give a shiny shite. My parents have a much better relationship with my childrens despite living 3 hours away. They spend a week at our twice a year, we holiday together once a year, and they sometimes take the children down to theirs. I know this is a weird example as the point of the thread is the in laws not seeing the kids as much, but in our case it’s despite us trying our hardest for them to see them, even moving country to be with them (we’re a 15 min drive away) and they haven’t come to see us in 9 years now

Original poster
Howlongdoesittake · 28/02/2024 18:48

Thank you everyone I know deep down we will have a great relationship just having a bad day. And yes the daughter and son quote is so true.

I will facetime him tomorrow and feel better.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 28/02/2024 18:49

Hang on there and show them love and support. In a way I’m your DIL who spent more time with my family due to the distance. However DD’s relationship with MIL was always very different and more meaningful.

Ithinkitstimeforbed · 28/02/2024 19:01

@johnworf I know, it’s down to relationship but it just seems to be so many’s experience and the thought is just sad.

@Rocknrolla21 interesting how it works out. Sorry to hear about your in laws, I can’t fathom why they wouldn’t be more interested if their grandkids are local!

@Howlongdoesittake FaceTiming sounds a great idea!

Sunnnybunny72 · 28/02/2024 19:02

SIL and her DC are far closer to PIL physically than us as they live very close. However as her DC have grown into teens there is certainly no special bond. No novelty or looking forward to seeing them. Rather frustration and annoyance from the DC at their GP constant presence and expectation of regular involvement in many aspects of their lives. Like a second set of parents. Much less meaningful.

Greebosmum · 28/02/2024 19:09

I am a Granny. I see a lot of my Grandchildren because we are about 11 miles away and my daughter is a single Mum. Because I see them 4 or 5 times a week I don't spoil them as much as I could if I saw less of them. Also have to be stricter on behaviour.

My own Grandparents lived a good 3 hour drive away. I loved going there so much. Staying for weeks in the summer. My happiest childhood memories are of times staying there.

Both sets of Grandparents for my children were a similar distance and they were dearly loved. My daughter has moved house more times than I can remember and she never feels she is at home in a new place till the picture of Granny and Grandad goes up.

You will be a much loved Granny in a different way.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/02/2024 19:16

I think it really depends how much effort is put in on both sides, but the distance definitely doesn’t help in your case.

I know the logistics of travelling with a toddler make them coming to you difficult but why can’t you go to them? Even if you just book an air bnb to stay nearby rather than staying at their house. Or is there a farm or a play area or something in the middle so you both have 2 hours in the car?

I think a lot of it, distance aside, comes down to effort and being in touch. My in laws complain about being “the other grandparents” and until very recently we’ve both just bitten our tongues about it but after they recently kicked up about it we politely pointed out that they never text us to check in, they never call us, they never ask how we are doing at all, they never make plans with us, they never come to us. They expect us to go to them and expect us to reach out to them, and we just hit the point where we refuse to be the ones facilitating their relationship with their grandchildren, it’s a simple case of “if they wanted to, they would”. Whereas my parents are in touch in our family chat every day, they call/facetime even when we don’t see each other, they are always suggesting plans or meet ups etc. So it’s something to think about, it may not apply in your situation but maybe it does and you’ve just never thought of it like that. The onus shouldn’t be on the family with young kids to do xyz, they’ve got enough going on.

Lianna077 · 28/02/2024 19:22

You sound really grounded and sensible OP! I can relate to your feelings entirely but I just try to override them and be the best grandma I can with the limitations presented to me. I try not to let any competitive or envious thoughts take me over because I know they’re destructive and unhelpful. You sound like a really good Grandma and MIL. Hope you feel better soon, an episode of ill health always makes things seem so much worse.

Twitch45 · 28/02/2024 19:28

We live 40 mins from my parents and 3 hours away from DH's parents.

We see my parents more often (maybe once or twice per month) but video call with in laws every week. We visit for weekends (or they come to us) every couple of months. We also go on holiday with my ILs (which isn't my idea of fun but they get a lot out of it, so I grin and bear it!)

If it's any consolation, my DSs (14 and 11) have a lovely relationship with both sets of grandparents. They don't love my parents more than my in laws. They get excited to see my ILs and love it when they come to visit. My DC do not view ILs as their 'other' grandparents- just grandparents who they love and who love them.

momtoboys · 28/02/2024 19:29

I have five sons, none of whom have any children yet and I worry about this situation all the time.

SkaneTos · 28/02/2024 19:48

When I was a child we lived close to my maternal grandparents, and we spent a lot of time with them, at least once a week. I loved them.

We lived quite far away from my paternal grandmother (700 miles away). We visited her twice a year. I still loved her! So much! So many great memories.