Being the other grandparents

[Howlongdoesittake]

I know this is a thing and I can't change it. But I am the other grandma and it really hurts. I am resigned to not being in my grandchilds life the way my DIL family are. She is lovely, sends my pictures and updates and is always happy for us to visit but works with her mum meaning at least one overnight stay a week (due to distance) and then they spend a lot of weekends at family events. We live 5 hours away in comparison to 1.5 hours to her family so travelling to us with a toddler is more difficult.

The really galling thing is before grandchild was born her mother was totally disinterested in DIL and when she moved house while DIL was at Uni bought a house and told her she couldn't come home in the hols as there wasn't a bedroom for her. Baby arrived and it's oh we love you stay with us work with us.

Not looking for advise just having a pity party. I know my son loves me he just has different priorities now and I feel sad.

I totally understand how you feel.

It can be like that with my Dgc and the dgps on the other side of the family.

They always seem to be favoured

If it helps you, I live 3 hours from my own parents and close to my in-laws who did childcare when mine were young. My parents are also older with complex health needs so I always felt that my children wouldn't really have a close relationship with them. However my eldest really bonded with my mother from the age of about 7. They have similar interests and are similar personalities. They're both quite knowledgeable about wildlife and go off on all sorts of wildlife hunts when they're together. She sends him newspaper cuttings and wildlife books. He occasionally asks to phone her and writes her letters. It's the sweetest relationship and it has nothing to do with me telling him to make an effort. He's just a bit of a geek and so is she! They sort of found each other.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that children will become people with personalities and they won't necessarily feel closest to the people they see the most. I was so jealous of all the time my in-laws spent with my children when they were young and wished it could have been my family but I wish I could go back and tell myself not to worry.

Don't feel sad, my MiL is much kinder to me than my mother. I wanted her there when I chose my wedding dress as she had two sons and no daughters. I didn't take my mother.

We live the same mileage from both sets of grandparents, mine see our children more because I make more of an effort, I invite my mum to visit, to come for days out, I make the effort to visit and to ask her to dance shows, school events.

dh doesn’t make the same effort with his parents.

which is why my children see my mum more, my brother never makes an effort with my mum which means his children miss out on the same relationship that my children have with their gran. Then he says my mum clearly has favourites!

but it’s all to do with making an effort.

I grew up in a different country to my grandparents. One wrote to me regularly even before I could read, came to visit, phoned to read me bedtime stories and then when I was older invited me to stay. The other didn't. I had a brilliant relationship with the former because she nutured it and a rubbish one with the latter (until I had kids) because she didn't.

Picnics with ginger beer, tree climbing, quilt making, shopping in the markets, letting me drink tea, turning up at international airports in fancy hats and sliding down bannisters on Cross Channel ferries...my grandmother was amazing and the fact that we were miles apart somehow made the time when we were together so much more special.

At some point they'll be old enough to make their own choices. I used to prioritise my grandmother over visiting my parents as a university student and when dh and I returned to the UK after a year abroad...Guess where we went straight from the airport.

I really loved my ‘other’ grandma. I used to stay with her in the school holidays.

I have just become the ‘other’ grandma too. My grandchild lives in another country. I’m determined to make any time I spend with him real quality time.

Perhaps you could try to plan things for your grandchild whenever you start to feel sad. Try to retrain your brain into thinking positively? I know it’s hard. 💐

Not sure if it helps but I grew up with grandparents in another country saw them once or twice a year and still loved them so much. And my kids have grandparents they see less and love them just the same as those near us. It's hard being apart though isn't it.

I feel incredibly sorry for you OP. I am very close to my mum, but I will make sure when we have children that it is not all about me and my family. My MIL is a lovely lady who brought my DH up by herself until her was 11when she met her second husband, who took her in and adopted him. They made the conscious decision not to have any more children so that they could be a family and nobody would be messed around anymore. I know my DH was her world and her priority and I am not going to push her out of his life by muscling in and making life all about me. She did a marvellous job and will one day be a great (albeit slightly bonkers) granny.

I'm fortunate to live 40 minutes away from my DD and grandkids. But my own wonderful in-laws were 2.5 hours away when my kids were younger. But we went to stay with them for a weekend at least every couple of months and they would come to us similarly. My children absolutely adored them.

From where I am now, I wish we'd seen more of them, because now I understand just how much my MIL would have loved to see them more often. But genuinely, the distance was no barrier to the relationship they had. My two and their cousins gave a wonderful joint eulogy at MIL's recent funeral, and as I listened I realised how lucky they were to have that.

So have you visit as often as they can, and visit then when you can, and you'll have the novelty value and quality time that will be valuable in its own way.

I don’t think that quote rings true for me, about sons and daughters. I have one child (a boy) and he is much closer with DHs mum than mine. They have a beautiful relationship but then DH also has a very close relationship with his mum as well. I love that it’s modelled for our DS.

My mum lives hours away so DS only sees her a few times a year, but it’s for long visits. He often stays with her for a week at a time in the school holidays, so to him it’s such special treat to see her. She spends the time spoiling him rotten. She finds it hard that he’s so close to my MIL but he’s always ecstatic to see her and she loves that.

OP my grandparents were 5 hours away and my siblings and I adored them. We didn't see them as much as my other grandparents who lived closer but if I'm honest seeing them less, in some ways made it more special and exciting 💜

I'm in exactly the same position as you. Although it's lovely when they do visit (they live 2.5 hours away) there's almost no contact in between. Messages are not answered more often than not and then I feel as though I'm pestering. It's difficult but I've learnt to accept it now. It's hard for you and you have my sympathy

It is just a different relationship @Howlongdoesittake

Growing up we didn't have local Grandparents, so it was perfectly normal and fine to only see Grandparents a couple of times a year.
The thing is though, you would go an stay there. (Or they came to us). Which was great. All memories are of great holidays which is lovely.
I 'get', as a parent of adult children, how nice it is to have them nearby, but I can assure you you can still have a lovely relationship with your dgc when you live a long way away.

You say, "We live 5 hours away in comparison to 1.5 hours to her family, so travelling to us with a toddler is more difficult." Why can't you visit them?

I have sons and grandchildren. The wife’s family comes first. They holiday together, spend Christmas, birthdays and Mothering Sunday together. I have whatever crumbs that are left. You can’t say anything, my sons have to put their wives first. I just crack on.

I am in the same situation OP. I am a seven hour drive away from our only grandchild. DIL’s parents dominate and it hurts at times. They are much closer. We have decided to move later this year . We will still be two hours away but much easier for us to visit and them to visit too. I do think the quality of the relationship can still be just as good with grandparents who GC don’t see as often, especially with FaceTime. Our little GC loves to see us and really responds even though not talking yet when we talk on FT. We stay in a B and B when we visit and are planning a week away with them as well.

I have sons and I’m a new granny to DGS who is 2mths old. My grandson lives 3hrs from me, but 10mins from his other grandparents. I’m not jealous. I’m really happy my DIL has the support of her mum. I was a military wife, I never had any support when I brought my own children up. They never had grandparents living nearby who they could pop in on for tea, either, so I’m glad he’s got that.

My DDIL is my bonus child. I love her to bits, and we’re very close. She sends me photos of DGS everyday. We FaceTime 2 or 3 times a week. DS2 doesn’t have to be in for her to do that, he’s very busy with work and he’s doing his masters atm.

When DDIL goes back to work her mum is going to look after DGS which I think is wonderful. I am so grateful to her because it saves DS2 & DDIL so much money, and DGS will be so well looked after. He won’t love his other nanny anymore than he loves us just because he’s there more, I don’t expect. We will visit for weekends, likewise they will come here, he can come for longer holidays when he’s a bit older, too. We’re already booked in to having him for a weekend in November and I can’t wait.

My boys are so much closer to DH’s parents than my parents because they were more bothered with them. They still are. My mother had her golden grandchild and that was it. Unfortunately my children weren’t it. DMIL is a wonderful grandmother, and we always lived a fair way from them until our children were older but it made no difference to their relationship.

For quite a while I worried, needlessly, about being the “other granny” but it’s nothing like I thought. I’m just granny and I’m besotted. Distance won’t stop me having the best relationship i possibly can with my DGS. Maybe when DH retires we might move closer to him, but that will mean us being 5-6 hours from DS1 which is another issue altogether.

Focus on the positives - now we have video calling at our disposal, make use of that. Work out with DIL what works best for you all - a weekly Sunday afternoon chat or more ad hoc - whatever works for you all.
Feeling sad is fine, but concentrate on doing what you can to make the best of it.

In comparison - my parents have passed away and DH's lives 2 hours away and we rarely hear from them - see them once, possibly twice, a year for a quick 2 hour meal. They show little interest in our children and DH gets about 1 WhatsApp a month from them so has pretty much given up.

Don't compare yourself to the "other" GP's, just work out how you can be the best GP's you can in the circumstances you're in.

We do visit them regularly. Stay for the weekend etc. Last year we all went to Italy together which was lovely. I facetime, send cards and little gifts.

I know when he gets older he can come and stay with us. We have sheep and chickens and a huge garden with hidden paths etc so I hope it's fun for him. I shall look to the future and not get tangled up in jealousy as a previous poster said.
I had my children overseas and they had a wonderful relationship with my mum despite that.
Interesting to hear different perspectives from people.
Thank you for all the positive comments and support. Feeling more cheerful and positive about it all this morning.

My granny and grandad lived at the opposite end of the country. My other granny and grandad lived in the same city so we saw them relatively frequently. We saw my distant grandparents once or twice a year growing up. I grew up so so close to my granny a long way away and remained close to her throughout my adult life. I named my daughter after her and was utterly heartbroken when she died last year. I loved my closer grandparents too but i just loved being around my long distance granny. She was a warm welcoming happy person who obviously loved us and loved my children. She made an effort to keep in touch with me as she left home and throughout my life. Distance needn't be a barrier to a deep relationship. I think it depends a lot on how you relate to each other as your grandchildren grow up.

It doesn’t have to be like this. I sincerely hope my MIL doesn’t feel like the “other” because my son at 2.5 definitely prefers her to my mum. He’s constantly asking to see her. The relationship isn’t to do with how offer you see them.

@johnworf this is so, so unhelpful.

Another here to say that the relationship will be what you make of it.
An away grandparent can have a magical relationship, where children make memories and feel free from real life. They escape from their day to day life due to the distance and the fact that they are more likely to stay for longer.
I'd say that as long as the relationship is maintained periodically through visits, then the further away, the more magical the feeling.

I don't think this is normal and your son and his wife are behaving badly. We split everything equally and sometimes favour my MIL as she's on her own. Wouldn't dream of behaving like your son.

I'm the other Grandma and I've learnt to not let it bother me. We live further away and can't afford to travel much.

I concentrate on - it doesn't change how much I love them, it's a long game and when they're older they can come and stay with me, my son makes an effort to talk about with me with his girls.