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Original poster

Being the other grandparents

59 replies

Howlongdoesittake · 28/02/2024 18:03

I know this is a thing and I can't change it. But I am the other grandma and it really hurts. I am resigned to not being in my grandchilds life the way my DIL family are. She is lovely, sends my pictures and updates and is always happy for us to visit but works with her mum meaning at least one overnight stay a week (due to distance) and then they spend a lot of weekends at family events. We live 5 hours away in comparison to 1.5 hours to her family so travelling to us with a toddler is more difficult.

The really galling thing is before grandchild was born her mother was totally disinterested in DIL and when she moved house while DIL was at Uni bought a house and told her she couldn't come home in the hols as there wasn't a bedroom for her. Baby arrived and it's oh we love you stay with us work with us.

Not looking for advise just having a pity party. I know my son loves me he just has different priorities now and I feel sad.

OP posts:
maudmadrigal · 29/02/2024 09:01

Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

We live in the same small town as my in-laws. My brother's family is a five hour drive away and my parents live overseas, so my relatives are the 'other family'. I really don't think it's made a lot of difference.

ILs were obviously more involved on a day-to-day basis when the kids were little, but the kids never really seemed to have preferences. Seeing the ILs was fun and familiar; seeing my family was new and exciting.

Kids are late teens now. My eldest and my brother's eldest travelled to visit my parents last summer and stayed with them for a week.

Three of the four grandparents (how lucky we are to still have all four here) do have obvious favourites among their grandchildren (which they would deny), and unsurprisingly those are the ones who like them the most and have the most time for them. I guess the moral of that is that as a grandparent, you have a fair amount of influence over how good the relationship is, however far away you are.

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 29/02/2024 09:55

Genuinelyenquiring · 29/02/2024 07:16

I don't think this is normal and your son and his wife are behaving badly. We split everything equally and sometimes favour my MIL as she's on her own. Wouldn't dream of behaving like your son.

Show quote history

Thanks. There’s very little I can do though, other than treasure the times I spend with the DGC.

Purple444 · 01/03/2024 17:56

Flyeeeeer · 28/02/2024 21:52

I feel incredibly sorry for you OP. I am very close to my mum, but I will make sure when we have children that it is not all about me and my family. My MIL is a lovely lady who brought my DH up by herself until her was 11when she met her second husband, who took her in and adopted him. They made the conscious decision not to have any more children so that they could be a family and nobody would be messed around anymore. I know my DH was her world and her priority and I am not going to push her out of his life by muscling in and making life all about me. She did a marvellous job and will one day be a great (albeit slightly bonkers) granny.

What a lovely, balanced post. As the mum of two boys, I hope that in years to come, they find a partner like you.

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Askingforafriendtoday · 20/06/2024 06:51

Lots of positive snd helpful advice on here, OP, without dismissing your feelings of sadness. Hang on in there, you sound like a lovely mum, grandmother and MIL

DilemmaDelilah · 20/06/2024 12:25

One of my daughters lives 6 hours away and has a toddler. We only see them every 2-3 months. The other GPs live quite close to them and I do worry that our grandchild will be closer to them, which would be natural. I understand your sadness @Howlongdoesittake . I'm going to try to arrange videocalls when they are a bit older, as I really do want to be a regular part of their life.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/06/2024 12:39

I see this thread is a few months old but just wanted to add my 2p worth.

We live half a mile from my in laws and 7 hours away from my parents. My children are still very young and up until now we've been able to see my parents pretty regularly. When I was on maternity leave we saw them every 1-2 months or so, but now I'm back at work it's a little more complicated.

My son knows exactly who his nanny and grandad are, he talks about them all the time and looks forward to seeing them. When we visit them it's new and exciting and he gets to do things he isn't allowed to do all the time.

I grew up far away from both sets of grandparents. The ones who lived the furthest away lived near the beach and spoiled us rotten. We saw them maybe 3 times a year. They're both dead now but I have wonderful memories of them.

Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely to live round the corner from your grandchildren, it isn't always possible. But with video calls and photos and meeting up as often as possible, you can still have a close and loving relationship with them.

A holiday together is a great idea. We have been doing short European holidays with my family so we all get to see each other but also visit a new place and it works well.

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 20/06/2024 14:05

If it is any consolation, we are NOT the "other" grandparents and it's damn exhausting.

EchoChamber · 20/06/2024 14:31

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/06/2024 12:39

I see this thread is a few months old but just wanted to add my 2p worth.

We live half a mile from my in laws and 7 hours away from my parents. My children are still very young and up until now we've been able to see my parents pretty regularly. When I was on maternity leave we saw them every 1-2 months or so, but now I'm back at work it's a little more complicated.

My son knows exactly who his nanny and grandad are, he talks about them all the time and looks forward to seeing them. When we visit them it's new and exciting and he gets to do things he isn't allowed to do all the time.

I grew up far away from both sets of grandparents. The ones who lived the furthest away lived near the beach and spoiled us rotten. We saw them maybe 3 times a year. They're both dead now but I have wonderful memories of them.

Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely to live round the corner from your grandchildren, it isn't always possible. But with video calls and photos and meeting up as often as possible, you can still have a close and loving relationship with them.

A holiday together is a great idea. We have been doing short European holidays with my family so we all get to see each other but also visit a new place and it works well.

This is such a lovely post. We are the ‘other’ grandparents and I feel so sad all the time that we can’t see our grandchild every week. The maternal grandparents come over a lot to babysit etc. it makes me sad. I would hope our grandchild would look forward to seeing us and find it exciting as he gets older.

Tesspost17 · 26/12/2024 00:30

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/02/2024 18:10

Is there any possibility at all of moving closer? Whilst yes, your DS’s priorities might be different, five hours is a difficult distance to maintain a close relationship over.

If you move closer and are still the other granny you might be more disappointed?

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