Is crying in front of my emotionally abusing them?

[missmouse1969]

Just going through a very bitter separation from the father of my children.
Children are 15, 13 & 11.
Their father has a non-molestation order against him. He has moved to his new house. The children and I will be moving to our new home this week on completion of the family home.

Ongoing domestic abuse since last May. I have been supported by the police and various living free from violence and abuse charities.

I often break down in tears in front of my children. Their father tells them that I'm emotionally abusing them.
Am I?

No, your not.

I wouldn't put a label on it but it's not great. They're going through enough heartache and upheaval of their own at the moment.

Of course sometimes it's unavoidable but if you can avoid it, I would.

It broke my heart seeing my parents cry for any reason, I can still remember it now and I'm in my late 50s.

I hope things improve for you soon

No, you’re being human and showing its ok to be sad.

Emotional abuse would be using your tears to control or manipulate; don’t call your dad or i’ll cry, do this thing for me or i’ll cry. I assume (hope) you aren’t doing this and just crying cos you’re sad. That’s normal.

Teaching dc we shouldn't cry is abusive...

Not enough information. But possibly - are your children tiptoeing around you afraid they will set you off? Are they avoiding difficult topics? Do they feel responsible for you?
My mother used tears as a weapon..

No and it's OK for kids to learn that adults can be sad and a marriage breakup is a serious event.

Bless you. No it isn’t. I guess ideally we wouldn’t cry in front of our kids but life is tough. I’ve had some really bad times when I have cried every day and my daughters have seen me. They have been so kind and helped me. I make sure that I explain to them that sometimes we have tough times but I don’t burden them with my problems. I hope it helps thrm realise that life isn’t perfect and can be incredibly tough but as a family you stick together. Maybe when they are adults and they have tough times they will be able to come to you because you’ve shown them it’s ok to show emotion. I really hope that life gets easier for you soon

It's normal to be sad and as long as your clear your sad about the situation (rather than blaming people) it's fine but I would try not todo it all the time as obviously they will worry. Avoid slating their dad too. He might deserve it but it's not good for them to hear.

No of course it isn't abusive. Your ex is an utter bastard for suggesting it.

If you often break down in front of them it would be good to lean on other support if you have it. They might feel unable to have their own emotions and express them openly if they see you very vulnerable and not coping. Are they getting additional support?

If you’ve got a non-mol why is he contacting you?

Not emotional abuse and you are human. But from experience, if it's happening a lot, some DC may find it upsetting and they may feel responsible for trying to make you happy or better, which is a burden for a child.

Occasionally crying can't be avoided. I wouldn't call it abuse to cry in front of them unless you are doing it to guilt them or saying "this is because of YOUR father" so seeing it would be hurtful for them.

But hard as it is and I've left an abuser myself I fully understand how you feel it's utterly shit. But you have to keep strong in front of the kids as much as you can they have been through a lot too and they are kids you are the adult you have to support them by marking them feel you are stable and safe

When you say you 'often' break down in tears in front of them OP, roughly how often?

As a PP says, they might feel unable to show their own emotions in case they make you cry again.

Difficult all round.

This!

No, but do try not to, it's putting too much responsibility onto them. They will feel your unhappiness is their problem to solve, and that your sadness trumps theirs. Find someone else's shoulder to cry on, draw on the support services available, but they are too young for you to be leaning on them for regular support.

This depends upon the severity of the situation.

You say there was domestic abuse since last May - what was happening in the 17 years before that?

How often do you cry in front of them and how does it come about?

In all honesty you are only human but I don’t think it’s fair on your children to see you continuously upset. As they will certainly feel upset by that scenario and I know that isn’t what you would want.

It might be worth visiting the GP if you do find you are bursting into tears a lot.

I actually don't think it is okay to "often" break down in tears in front of your children. Obviously you can't help it and certainly have no intention to cause harm, but it probably scares them and makes them feel that the person who keeps them safe is not able to cope.

It is different from crying because someone has died etc, which they understand and it doesn't reflect on their security.

I would try to minimise crying in front of them, personally, and seek other support if you are really unable to do so.

Also, how does your ex know that you often break down in tears in front of them?

I'm assuming he's heard it from them, so I wonder if they felt they needed to offload to him about it?

It’s a tricky one, and one that I’ve been guilty of in the past. While it’s fine and good to show that people have emotions and it’s OK to be sad, but even if you are not blaming their dad and trying to manipulate your DC - I’m sure you’re not - it can affect children lifelong- it may be that your DC will feel responsible for you, feel they have to take care of you, not upset you, in fact, be the parent themselves. It can mean that they grow up too fast, but without a safety net of a parent who can help them, and not be able to express their own feelings or worries to you.

As others have said there is more context needed.

the odd cry and seeing emotions as normal is one thing. Weeping and wailing constantly is a bad thing.

No, it's NOT abusive.

You know he's an abusive cunt, why do you even give anything he says (like that) head space?!?!

it's hard as a kid to know what to say or do when your Mum cries like that, but it's not abusive, just ask for a hug, then try to pull yourself together & move on. TRY not to just keep crying because they're not old enough to do anything more to help you.

How are you feeling about the new house?? (Separately to how sad you probably are to be leaving the current house (unless it has more bad memories than good). Tell us about the new house (if you want to)

Of course you're not abusing them. It's best not to cry in front of them if you can help it, but remember that you're only human. Good luck, and I hope you have some support

No it’s not.
He just doesn’t want your DC to see his abusive impact on you. He knows they will remember it and he’s probably concocted a story to tell them where he comes out of it with a halo on his head.
Its normal to cry in sad situations. It’s healthy for your teens to know it’s ok to cry.
Its abusive of HIM to tell you to stop crying because it obviously doesn’t suit his narrative.

No it isn’t abusive. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay for them to know that. However I wouldn’t make a habit of it and I’d be really careful to make sure my children didn’t feel pressured to be my emotional support. That is not their job.

I agree with all of this.