Is crying in front of my emotionally abusing them?

[missmouse1969]

Just going through a very bitter separation from the father of my children.
Children are 15, 13 & 11.
Their father has a non-molestation order against him. He has moved to his new house. The children and I will be moving to our new home this week on completion of the family home.

Ongoing domestic abuse since last May. I have been supported by the police and various living free from violence and abuse charities.

I often break down in tears in front of my children. Their father tells them that I'm emotionally abusing them.
Am I?

No you are not. You're going through what will probably be the toughest time of your life. You're allowed to cry. So long as you're open with your kids and let them know it's not their fault, you're doing nothing wrong.

Things will get better. The tears won't last forever.

Thank you so very much for your helpful & reassuring replies.
My ex & I never showed our emotions in the same way. I've never known him need emotional support in the 17yrs we were together. When things get tough he gets angry and I cry and I'm worried that my children will be afraid to show their true emotions to him, me and in their future relationships if they're being fed this abuse stuff by him.

Crying on occasion in front of your kids isn’t emotional abuse. It’s healthy for kids to see it’s ok to cry.

But I think if it’s happening a lot, it makes them feel unsafe. It can create an emotionally charged home and kids can feel on edge waiting for the next time. It can cause them issues further down the line.

Of course crying can be used as emotional abuse when used as a manipulation tactic.

No one here knows what’s happening. But given he sounds like an arse, I wouldn’t take his word for it.

This was me as a child. Not great.

I’m of the opinion that a parent needs to put on a strong and together appearance for their children. Its ok to sit them down and explain that you feel sad and overwhelmed sometimes, but bursting into tears infront of them is not helpful and will cause them much internalised anxiety.

Even if they don’t show it, they will be worried and unnerved by it.

Not abusive but too much, too often isn't a good thing for your kids. You are going through it all right now but you also need to as far as possible maintain an emotionally calm and safe home for your kids.

I say this as someone who grew up with an abusive mother who held us all ransom to her emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. My father did nothing to stop it ans it took me until my forties to see this. Imo it was pretty abusive to witness all this. To top it all off there was no space for anyone else to have any emotions. Not saying you are doing this but sharing my experience.

Glad you're getting out of your abusive marriage.

Talking about the break up and impact on kids, or how you're sad about leaving house and a few tears flow down your face and you say to kids how you all feel sad - ok

Breaking down and howling and saying 'what am I going to do? I hate him but at least you kids will never leave me' etc - not ok

I think it's all about whether you're simply displaying sorrow that is your responsibility or putting the kids on the spot and making them feel they need to do something about your unhappiness

Well done for getting rid of him!

There's a back story and I was already at breaking point when we separated in May 2022. I was doing a lot of the looking after for my elderly parents.
A lovely guy caught my eye and wanted to look after me (we're together now and that's when all hell broke loose.)
My father has been so awful (he's 88 and lives next door and I looked after him and my mum for 2yrs) since we split but remains on very good terms with my ex and his family.

My father has said the most dreadful things about me and unless I'd been beaten black n blue there's no reason why I should have reason to leave the relationship. He stayed with my mother despite being very unhappy (as maybe many people did back then.)

My ex's Mother has been equally unkind & said such cruel, cruel things to me and about me.
So it's a mix of many things that has caused me a lot of distress over the last 10months.
My children & I move to our new home tomorrow. My ex even tried to jeopardise our move by telephoning the seller and said that I'm a fake and I'll never be able to afford to buy their house.

So it's a huge mixed bag of emotion that I have tried my hardest to protect them from and at times I have bubbled over.

Not emotionally abusive- but you state that you frequently burst into tears in front of your children, you have a non mol- so I assume you finally don't have any contact with- although that doesn't exclude the years you have been abused, I assume there hasn't been any contact with him, are the children telling him about you crying regularly? Whilst I agree that it's good for you to show emotions to your children, they shouldn't be responsible for your emotional support- because if mums always in tears, it surely would be hard for them to share their emotions, if they know it could trigger yours? Do you have adult support at all?

OP didn't say he'd contacted her he's saying this to the children

Hmmm i mean not abusive as that's not your intent but likely harmful.
My mum was like you during her two divorces. It was all about her and her feelings. The fact you've already moved in is quite concerning. Instead of finding a man to 'look after you' I would so strongly
Recommend doing the freedom programme with women's aid or seeing a counsellor.

This is meant nicely from someone who grew up in an abusive home, got into an abusive relationship but has since broken the cycle.

Are your kids seeing their dad? Are they aware of new boyfriend

My mum was a very emotional person and used to cry a lot when I was a teen. No I don't think it's abusive, I think it's human. Hopefully things will get easier for you when you move into your new home. Hopefully you can plan some nice things for you all to look forward to together

This

It's not abusive, but the children will definitely have had conversations along the lines of "Shut up, you'll set her off" amongst themselves by now. On occasions when you can present a calm face, I'd try to do so. It doesn't have to be all the time. My mum was either emotionally labile or completely shut down, and it has definitely impacted me as an adult.

It is not abuse, but you are the adult. An occasional cry is normal, especially in this circumstance, but as the adult, you should be showing your kids coping strategies and doing your crying in private.
How will your kids be able to express how they feel about this impact upon their lives if they are worried it might make you cry?

Sorry to be harsh, but this prevailing attitude of emoting is creating non-resiliant kids.

Only you know your emotions and motives. My MIL is the master at manipulative tears. She knows her, albeit grown-up, DC will do anything if she cries and if she isn't getting her way it ends in tears...every time.

Your not , it's tough at the moment for loads of people really sorry to hear this, teenagers can also make life tricky , I hope you do find closure and recovery and peace and happiness and joy .

Have a dance with your teenagers to the latest Shazam song or TikTok one .

Even try making burritos or Tacos or pizza .

I'm
Doing veg spaghetti Bol that's super easy bbc good food recipe .

This morning is another good tv resource.

Good luck with everything you do next tho .

they have been through a lot too and they are kids you are the adult you have to support them by making them feel you are stable and safe

That. I'm sorry but you need to take yourself somewhere private to cry now. Once or twice is okay, but if you're crying in front of them a lot, then they're going to feel scared and insecure.

How often is it happening? If it's a lot then it's not good. My mum used to do this and it was awful. I know she was unhappy but I still think as the adult you need to protect the children. Occasional crying is fine. Every day, not fine.

I think it’s ok to do it a little bit here and there as you’re a human as well as a mum but a lot of crying can be traumatic for kids so be aware not to make it all about you.

I’ve cried in front of my kids a couple of times but I ensured I did most of it in private. I would always remember Princess Diana and how she would emotionally unload and cry in front of William and how it used to affect him negatively so I always kept that in mind with my own children.

I agree with this.

Once in a while is understandable. But if it’s often then you are putting a lot on their shoulders in a situation where they really need you to be their emotional rock. If they see you cry all the time and feel they need to support you, where is their outlet? When can they cry? Can they cry and not set you off?

So, no, not abuse. But not ideal.

It is very traumatic for your children seeing their mother so upset.

Honestly i would make every effort for them not to witness it if you possibly can

This. Ive left an abusive man and I've the child that was often broken down in front of in the same situation. While I don't blame my mum it did make me feel insecure and scared and I tried to fix things for her. That's not a burden any child should have.

Crying in front of your children can be both a good and a bad thing. It does model that it is healthy and normal to feel sad or overwhelmed sometimes but only if it is followed up by a positive action for change. If you are crying a lot and then take yourself off to bed, or verbalise repetitive negative thoughts, or verbalise hopelessness, then THAT is what you are modelling. This tends to go one of two ways for children - they learn to deal with sad or overwhelming things by slipping into a pattern of hopelessness or they become hyper-independent and stop seeing their parent as a figure of safety and support.

If however you occasionally cry in front of your children but follow it up by modelling positive coping behaviours then you are teaching them how to cope with negative emotions and allowing them to maintain an image of you as someone who can be relied upon in a time of emotional crisis. If they see you upset you could say something like "I have been finding everything a bit hard today so I'm going to call [insert best pals name here] for a chat and then go for a walk if anyone fancies joining me" or for younger kids "Mummy's feeling a bit sad today but I'll feel better soon because feelings don't last forever. Do you know what makes me feel better - cuddles!!" So you're demonstrating a) everyone gets sad and it's ok to show it b) the feelings won't last forever and you'll be ok c) some techniques to help you to feel better in the moment.

No it's not abusive. Your ex sounds like mine, any expression of negative emotion was to be shut down, attentive seeking in his eyes.