Has anyone had/needed more than a couple of weeks off work following bereavement of a parent?

[Greenscarf1]

Seems around 2 weeks is pretty common but having just lost my parent, I feel no way ready to be back - exhausted and emotional. Wondering if the way they died or their age or something about the circumstances can make it harder. Plus whether work is a good distraction or not which is quite individual?

I totally agree with you. I have also lost a brother suddenly at exactly the same age and I found that far more difficult to come to terms with. Of course nobody should feel guilty, it's such a personal thing. That is why I was at pains to say my experience was my own. I wasn't working when my brother died so I had time to think and grieve, however, had I been I still think I would have gone back because it would be better for me. I'm so sorry you've suffered the same tragedy

I found going back to work helpful for the rhythm and routine of normal life. But I was a bit of a mess with very forgiving colleagues. I couldn't have done a high risk job where lives depended on my decisions.

It took me about 18 months to really feel myself and totally sharp again. But work was part of the healing process.

It's hard. You are hurting. Accept all the kindness offered to you and if more time off is helpful, then don't hesitate to take it 💐

My friend had 9 months off.

I got the call my dad died early on a Saturday morning.

It was completely out of the blue, no slow build-up or anything. I dropped everything and went to my mums. She and dad lived 2 hours drive away. I missed the Monday and Tuesday of the following week and went back on the Wednesday. In hindsight it was much too soon.
His funeral was about 3 weeks later, on a Thursday. I took the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off.
So in total, 5 days.

Honestly, I wish I'd just got signed off from the death until after the funeral. Unfortunately, at the time I was really struggling with work, and my mental health was shot. I was in a place already of not being able to advocate for myself, so I took the bare minimum and powered through.

Just to respond further, I'd say it took about 6-9 months to feel myself again. The first 2-3 months were awful, and honestly, I don't remember much about them.
I also suffered with a lot of intrusive thoughts that first few months, around the phone call that gave me the news. Eventually I confided in a much older friend, who very wisely said, "Of course you do. You had a huge trauma and your brain is just trying to process it."
That was the turning point for me. My intrusive thoughts went down massively, almost straight away, and with them gone, I really started to heal.

The analogy about the ball in the box helped me a lot. It certainly helped me understand why I randomly burst into tears driving out of Tescos carpark about 4 months after!
The Ball and Box Analogy on Coping with Grief | Psych Central

I took two weeks but DM died very unexpectedly and I found her the day before I started a new job. They were very understanding and pushed back my start date by a fortnight but our household couldn't afford for me to not be earning for much longer than that at the time.

My DSis took a week and then was put under pressure to return to work - we were quite young and neither of us realised she could have been signed off when she needed longer. We both look back at that time period for work and realise we have absolutely no memory of the decisions we were making during that period.

I had one week off but had known my parent was terminally ill for a few months so had already started the grieving process. I cannot say how I'd have been had it been sudden and unexpected, I expect I'd have needed at least another week, longer if it was traumatic circumstances.

That said, a colleague lost a parent in a horrific way and we were surprised when she was back after a couple of weeks. She said the normality helped, she took time out for weekly therapy appointments.

But no one can second guess or prescribe how long anyone will need, it's such a personal experience.

I went back a week after my dad died. It was bloody ridiculous and I have no idea why I did it. I managed to struggle through the next few months then was signed off. My mum then died seven weeks later and I never went back. Losing both of them in six months broke me.

I had 5 months off after my lovely mum died suddenly , it was a very dark time for me and my boss was amazing and helped me go back gradually. Take the time you need , do what feels right for you , no one knows how you feel even if they say they do , they can imagine but not actually know. Take care , I'm sorry you're going through this x

wow, amazed at these replies! It would not enter my head to take more than a day off for funeral, but then we are not close

My mother had a terminal illness. I took six weeks off to care for her and month after she passed. I was glad to go back as she died during covid and I hadn't seen anyone apart from my immediate family during her entire illness so it was very difficult to process. My condolences on your loss the first year is very hard.

I'm just back at work in the last few days, my father died in January and I had just under 5 weeks off. Some of that was sick leave.
I think it depends on so many factors especially how you're coping. I feel as ready as I'll ever be but I'm planning to drop down to 4 days at work going forward.
It is really hard, it's such a big change, if you need more time take it.

My boss took 3 months off work when her mother died. They were very close.

I had three weeks off when my DM was killed in a car accident at 69. My DF had died many years ago at 54.
My DB and I had to sort the funeral, put the house on the market and begin to empty it etc. Three weeks was about right.
I had a week off for my DF and it wasn't long enough.

I only got 3 days off, including the day my parent suddenly died. It was way too soon, in hindsight, but at the time that's all I was entitled to, I couldn't afford unpaid leave, and I thought it better to keep busy.

I ended up having a breakdown a year later and it took years and years to rebuild myself

Take the time off

Most people I know have between 1- 3 weeks off. But what I think is MORE important than time off is understanding in the weeks/months after and having an employer that understands that there might need to be some flex in working hours, output etc.

My PA has recently lost a family member unexpectedly. She's back at work, but she's making more basic mistakes than she usually would. I haven't, and won't, say a word - none of them are major, and I know she's really struggling and the big, important things are getting done.

I took a month and could probably have done with more. Luckily, work have been very supportive over the past ten months as I'm still not fully myself as yet.

I took 3 weeks off and went back after the funeral. Me and my sibling made an agreement to go back after the funeral and it was the right thing for us as it took 3 weeks to get everything sorted. Work gave the option for a phased return afterwards and had cover on standby which I took on the first day back and then went back in full time from then. It was ok and the right ish amount of time. Hit me again about 4 months later, work were good and offered more time if I needed it but I pushed on. Lockdown happened a few of months later so having to stay home then was a blessing in disguise really, as I was able to stay at home and not interact much which helped the grieving process.

I was off work for about 3 weeks before my dad passed away from cancer. I looked after him and my mum for those three weeks. I then took about a week off after he died and then worked from home for a couple of weeks. I work in HE and it was over a summer time, so not too busy. I was told by the hospice my dad was with that their doctor could have signed me off (work were brilliant, so I didn't need to do that) and my own GP would have signed me off afterwards but I didn't feel the need to.

There is no set amount of time needed to grieve a loved one. It needs the time it needs.

Workplaces need to have policies because people can and do take advantage, but most decent employers will give you the time you need if you are an otherwise good, realiable employee.

The flexibility and feeling supported is important as otherwise the bereaved don't feel able to go back to work as soon as they understandably don't feel like they can perform like they did pre the bereavement.

When my dad died last year I was back at work the following day because:
I was working remotely from my parents
I knew if I only worked a few hours each day that was ok
I knew that, besides organising the funeral, I was going to need to look after my mum and then move her to a care home when a place came up and then clear out her home. I was going to need very flexible working over 6 weeks which is beyond the bereavement policy.
I wanted to keep busy and, particularly in the first few days after a bereavement, there is not much to do.
His death was not entirely unexpected. I had thought he would die after suffering on for another 1-2 months so in some ways it was a relief he had gone so quickly which gave me a lot of comfort.

I had two weeks off and what I really needed was a day a week off for a few months. Just time to go for a walk and process and to do all the admin things that stack up.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathies.

I went back to work after about 6 weeks and as it turned out, it was far too soon. I was then off for 6 months with depression. I did have bereavement counselling which helped me greatly. (I found my mums body and was affected by all sorts, guilt being the main one. Should I have pushed more to get her to the doctors etc). The bereavement counselling helped me with all that. It was good to have that support and also to be able to talk to someone neutral and not feel stupid laying out my inner most thoughts.

There is no measure for grief sadly. I'd say I'm still grieving now, it's coming up to the 17th anniversary of her death. But it's a little bit easier to deal with as each year passes. Only you know when you feel right to return to work. I think some companies aren't lenient enough when it comes to bereavement. I was lucky, I had a lot of support from my company. Sending hugs and strength 💐

If you need time and your work has very little compassionate leave, get yourself signed off. I went back too soon as sick of people asking me when I was returning (not work, more family) don't go back too soon as you will just resent everyone in my experience.

I’m struggling with knowing when to go back after losing DH. I just can’t imagine interacting with the world right now and knowing that, for everyone else at least, life goes on as normal.
My 3 weeks sick runs out at the end of the week and I don’t know if I can cope or not just yet, whilst being wary of isolating myself too long and ending up dealing with depression that I’ve suffered badly with in the past. I really don’t know what to do right now.