Has anyone had/needed more than a couple of weeks off work following bereavement of a parent?

[Greenscarf1]

Seems around 2 weeks is pretty common but having just lost my parent, I feel no way ready to be back - exhausted and emotional. Wondering if the way they died or their age or something about the circumstances can make it harder. Plus whether work is a good distraction or not which is quite individual?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have a half way decent manager you could talk to? As I said in my earlier post, I think that being supported at work could mean going back, but not quite at full throttle. What that looks like would depend on the job.

Otherwise, it may be that you need to get signed off for at least a few more weeks.

If you can though, my advice is talk to your work - whoever is most appropriate. You could open the discussion with an email.

I know my sister was very grateful that when our mum died, her boss basically said to work from home as much as she needed to (our dad's house) and actively worked to keep new projects etc away from her so that she could manage the "ticking over" stuff, but didn't have to go fully into something more complex or new.

My contract allows up to one week (NHS). My dad died about 2 months after cancer diagnosis. Didn’t survive his first round of chemo. After a miserable couple of weeks in hospital we got him home to die with hospice support. My manager told me to get signed off by the GP. I had one week before he died helping my mum at their home and three weeks after. I have never felt so utterly exhausted. I probably needed longer really. It was nearly 6 years ago and I still have painful flashbacks. My brother who was able to WFH did bits of work throughout and didn’t take time off. He was very involved but just had a different reaction to me. He likes to always be busy.

I took 2 weeks. Got 5 days paid special leave and took another week of leave. Then one more day of annual leave for the funeral.

My mum died very suddenly and was only 61. I loved her very much. Not sure how sitting at home would have helped me deal with the grief.

Maybe I’m just resilient. I never expect to fall apart and never do. Colleagues have commented that I am weird. Maybe I am. I do find it irritating that people constantly prod looking for some sort of reaction. I was fine. Grieving but fine.

Most threads I've seen before only a few days, plus 1 for the funeral, is the norm. Disgraceful.

I’m so sorry for your loss. 3 weeks feels like nowhere near enough, yet maybe you need the distraction of work. How are your employers? Is a trial phased return a possibility?

I had a member of staff once come back on a month’s phased return. The first day he was in for 2 hours with instructions just to be there, and do very little, and we gradually worked up. The first week was a bit of an experiment with quite a lot of tears, tea and hugs from his colleagues and he was dog tired, which surprised him. He was back firing on all cylinders after the four weeks, so our patience paid off for him and us.

This was for his DM, though, so may be a bit ambitious for you.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.
There is no right time to return to work but I certainly found it a distraction (generally I love my job and it's full on!)
After my Dad died I thought I was coping just fine - I really wasn't, and I see this time and again now as a manager. People are OK but very much going through the motions or making strange decisions. Nothing terrible but notably distracted and not themselves.
Losing my Mum was so, so hard. I went back after two weeks and held it together then went on holiday immediately after term ended where I spectacularly fell apart. I cried more than I thought possible and had a complete panic attack/meltdown by the side of the road.
You just never know how you are going to manage but time and distractions of work do heal.

My dad died suddenly, I went back to work after about 3 weeks, then had a sort of breakdown, so had another 3 months off.

I'm on month 4 after my mum died. I am signed off sick. I'm going back soon but the first 2 months I was just a zombie. I've had some judgy comments on here about my length of time. I couldn't care less.

Aside from the trauma I am an only child and dealing with the estate and clearing the house is a vast task. I'm also a lone parent. But judge away...

After losing DM I had two weeks bereavement leave. I was back two days, then had two more days leave for her funeral.

Although I was officially back at work after that I would often take some time to myself through the day. DM passed in November and even now I find some days I'm not fully "with it".

I would say it's more important work can be understanding if you're not at 100% or do need a day here or there, rather than having any particular set length of time off, because for me the distraction of having to work is often welcome.

I’m sure we’re all different and cope in different ways.

For me, it’s not that I think being at home is necessary helping but I just cannot face the pressure of being in work and I feel like my functioning is in the gutter. Brain fog, can’t take things in. As well as emotions up and down. I suppose that is the point of being signed off as sick - it’s not fit to work not just that being sat at home might make it easier.
it’s really helped me so far to just focus on the basics - looking after myself, keeping on top of housework, having space to process how I feel without added pressure and responsibility.

I also think it depends how you feel about work and what you do. I had previous jobs that i think would have been less pressured but also more engaging, that I would find easier to return to. My current role isn’t. And I think dealing with an extended period of anticipatory grief and worry about his health has led to me to feel really burnt out, and I think that needs time out not time in.

This is my fear - the judgement. Particularly from managers who haven’t been in this position. Or have and just had a different experience. And family too - I can’t bear it when people suggest it might be a welcome distraction

I know this is really easy for me to say but you need to put yourself first @Greenscarf1. I was really surprised when I went back to work how supportive my colleagues who had lost their parents were. It really knocks people sideways when their relationship has been good and they remember. Genuinely nobody judged me - and I went back too soon and my work was shit. Looking back I’m amazed how much slack they cut me.

Please look after yourself and take as much time as you need. 💐

I took 5 days then was on planned annual leave. Felt very much rushed back to work by my manager when I was in no fit state.

@SnakesAndArrows @JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls thank you. I know work will be understanding to a point, if I’m signed off sick then I’m sick, I just don’t know what to do for the best for me tbh.

@Greenscarf1 how are you doing? Sorry I hijacked your thread, I just saw it at the time I was struggling with the exact same thoughts. Do you think you will have additional time off? I’m still wavering but the thought of trying to be ‘normal’ seems so impossible right now so I imagine I will request a couple more weeks.

Everyone handles these things in different ways, and there is no right or wrong.

I lost my dad quite young, he was in his early sixties and I was in late twenties. I took a week off, but I enjoyed my job, they were very supportive, and also it was busy enough to be a distraction. I have to say that my own approach is fairly pragmatic in that there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and he wouldn't have wanted me to mope about. So, I looked for all the positives in that he and I got on well, and that we had many good memories.

Also, I found talking about him helped a lot. They say "time heals", I'm not sure about that. I think it just brings acceptance. The first year is the most difficult, cycling through birthdays, Christmas, etc.

I was back the day after the funeral after having been a carer for years. Since I was a teenager (parent died in my late 20s).

Since then I’ve worked with people who took weeks and I really really regret not doing the same.

Take as long as you need. Bless you.

death is very much a part of life and I think when someone has been poorly for a while and dies perhaps it's easier to accept than when it's unexpected.

Even then I think it can depend on the circumstances. My Dad had MS for 20 years and was completely bed bound at the end. It still came as a shock when he died as he'd only felt a bit off colour so his GP had him admitted to hospital where he died the following morning. When the post mortem was done it was discovered he had cancer in pretty much all his major organs and no one had known, despite him having a full body scan a couple of years previously. I ended up being signed off for a month as I couldn't cope with the shock.

With Mum I knew she had heart failure but again it was a shock as she went downhill very suddenly, we thought she had a lot longer. We found out afterwards she hadn't been taking her medication but had no clue before. I was given a week off by work but after going back I was signed off for another two weeks as I couldn't cope. I felt I'd let her down about the medication and blamed myself for not knowing.

My parents died 18 months apart. I had about 4 days off for my Mum, and about 3 for my Dad. That was enough for me, I didn't (and still don't) feel I did anything too soon (my Dad died 3 years ago). It's very individual.

I was a SAHM to 4 children when my dad died suddenly. My eldest was only 7 and my youngest had a lot of health problems so it was very full on. Dh got one day working from home and he was already on annual leave the day of the funeral anyway. It was nowhere near enough and there was no time for me to grieve at all. My son's teacher is on month 5 of bereavement leave and I think that is absolutely right for him to be able to take that time. I know some schools are quite strict with this kind of thing (my auntie is a TA and she only got one day off for her mum's funeral) so I'm pleased the school are being kind to him and letting him have the time he needs.

Three days plus day for funeral with DF. Never occurred to me that I could take anymore. DH only got day of funeral. Tbh the preceding months had been such agony that the whole family were emotioned-out. Normal life (or what passed for normal life) was like fresh air.
(That Liverpool Pathway or whatever it's called is wicked.)

Mum died last Jan. It was a Weds so I had the rest of the week off. Then a couple of days around the funeral and a bit of time - couple hours out of work day for arrangements. I could have done with more. I didn't find working a distraction it was an additional stress. I struggled for the first six months and had some blocks were I was really not coping well at work. My team were mostly supportive but three other team members also lost a parent during 2023 so we were all struggling at one point.

My brother has been off on long term sick. He had been my mums primary carer and it hit him even harder.

@SoSadForPoorDH oh don’t worry at all, glad it is a shared space! How are you feeling, do you know what you’ll do after this week?

I did take some more time and have been off this week. The flashbacks/horrible images of being in the hospital seem to have eased at night and I do feel marginally better. It’s so up and down though - some days I feel ok and others I feel like a wreck. I don’t really feel up to being back at work next week but I think I have to go back at some time (aside from anything only get so much paid leave). I feel like I need a total reset - pretty burnt out and lacking energy/motivation. I’m considering some counselling to help me work through all the stuff that has led to this place as the more I think about it, I think it’s more than just the “simple” grief that have contributed to me feeling this way. I worry just “getting on with it” without any other intervention will just leave me continuing to feel burnt out.

@Greenscarf1 just to clarify my manager has been great - no dramas with work at all . It's been mn that has judged me 😂

I took 2 weeks off after my mum died suddenly. It wasn't enough. I thought I'd be better keeping busy and told myself I'd take some time later if I needed it. My job is quite stressful and once I was back it was just expected that things were 100% normal again, same level of expectation. I wish I had been kinder to myself and taken more time.

The standard amount of time off for compassionate leave at my workplace is up to 5 days. My line manager made sure I took all of that and allowed me to work from home more for a few weeks. My Dad was 94, so I was prepared emotionally on some levels. Our workplace is very good at allowing flexibility, so I’ve been able to ask to go to work flexibly for winding up the financial side of things.

HR have been very mindful in general and acknowledged that I might need support as it’s my third bereavement in less than 6 years. Only sibling and mother passing away means I feel aloneness. I have great support from extended family as well as DH and DC but that doesn’t mean I can always escape that alone feeling. There have certainly been days of leave I’ve taken that have helped me deal with that. As yet I’ve not needed to ask for anything in the way of sick leave/counselling service help and hope not to.