Peedoff with 15yr old Dd..do I go nuclear

[Baguetted]

Dd 3rd child
today she went off on school trip, end of half term so had plenty of time to get organised

bought all supplies and cajoled her literally up until bedtime last night

woke her up at 4am..stuff still in washing machine

running late in car she has not packed phone charger

went into her room to open window (we have a problem with damp)

she has eaten one of pack of Pringles (of 2 i got for 3 day trip and some other snacks to share with her room mates also got some face masks for her and friends…wrappers on floor) also packet of big chocolate buttons gone from kitchen

Texting me complaining about data (have advised about data roaming)

asked her to pack stuff to sketch/write during trip..she didn’t

she things she’s off on a jolly but it’s an academic trip to battlefields

im so disappointed by her continued lazy and frankly obnoxious behaviour

she continuously has a commentary about her friends having days off school, why can’t she have a dentist appointment during school, why can’t she go to town after school, ugh to everything

h and I finding it difficult to navigate as older brothers both placid and easy going and she is continually falling out with friends and expects to have a high end life style at 15

when I was growing up I literally had the bare minimum from my parents and I’m annoyed after years of supporting her through things she wanted to do (music lessons/gymnastics/drama school) she can barely be bothered to do anything unless there is pay off for her

im now at the end of my patience after a year of her doing what she wants and her attitude but I’m also conscious about not ruining my relationship with a child….

Honestly, she sounds like a fairly normal 15 year old girl to me. I don't think you'd achieve anything by going "nuclear" over any of the things you've described.

Thanks for your reply it’s difficult to know how to keep in perspective

A lot of this sounds fairly common behaviour for teens. She has eaten her Pringles and used her face masks so the natural consequence is she now doesn’t have them to share with her friends. If she’s forgotten a phone charger she can borrow one from a mate. If her favourite hoodie (or whatever) isn’t dry then she’ll either have to take it damp or leave it at home. No books to sketch? She’ll have to do it in her own time later if it’s important.

Wanting a ‘high end’ lifestyle is very normal for teens. They see it on social media and think money grows on trees! Could you give her a pocket-money/clothing allowance combo? So, say, £80 per month but that includes all socialising, clothes (apart from school uniform) and other discretionary spending (toiletries, make up etc) Having a monthly amount might seem exciting but the reality of budgeting might help her see the value of money.

Sounds like you are doing loads already. Let her deal with the consequences of her own laziness.
No anger just let her get on with it.

Thanks for your thoughts

part of me knows that I’m looking through my own teenage lens..I would have loved half of what she has and would have been so grateful (adopted late so had a whole early childhood with very little to being a teenager with just needs met in a ticked off fashion by my older adoptive parents who lost interest)

im not expecting gratitude, as what we do is out of love and an enjoyment of new experiences and shared time together

it’s more the ugh attitude and why are you not doing everything for me your my mum

also just missing the very sweet lovely girl
thats in there

She's definitely 15 isn't she. This too shall pass.

Does she have a part time job!

My DD's 13 and she's the same. Everything you describe is completely normal, teenage behaviour. If course she she's the school trip as a jolly and why can't she go to town after school? I'd try not to get so upset about it all.

Sounds just like my ds. When I go nuclear he just plays the victim and we get the full am dram about how horrible we are and how we prefer his sister. It’s so tedious and I’m so done with it, but I don’t know what the solution is. Sometimes I think he’s just going to grow up to be a narcissist, and all I can do is console myself that I tried my damndest, even if I ended up failing.

Don’t ‘go nuclear’ act like an adult 🙄

She doesn’t have a part time job as we are rural and the only option is dog walking but it’s over fields and I don’t want her to to that (she did do lots of volunteering for her bronze doe playing scrabble with people 😆)

she always has the option of doing chores at home to earn pocket money but chooses not to and it’s a pound each way on the bus to meet her friends so birthday money stretches

All teenagers are little narcissist tin pot dictators whether all the time or just some. Even my very laid back DS2 can be seen lamenting how the entire world doesn’t revolve around him sometimes.

Pick your battles and like a PP said let the natural consequences of her actions punish her.

I find lots of positive praise about anything you can find to praise works well (like toddlers). I’ve uttered the phrases ‘Oh Ds1 you didn’t get a detention this week I’m so proud of you’ ‘DS2 you didn’t soak the entire bathroom while having an hour long shower, well done for that’ etc etc

15 is a horrible age. Lots of gritting teeth and big breaths while you ride it out.

Well, maybe after a trip away with no charger/face masques/treats etc she’ll learn about organising and delayed gratification

let her feel the consequences of her inaction/actions. Perhaps she’ll listen next time.

my ds is out the other side of this age now, thank god, but he did very similar and has learned that he has to think for himself and not just outsource all thinking to mum.

You chose to live in the country so she shouldn't have to use her own money to get places on the bus. You should cover this. I'd actually give her an allowance on top of covering bus fare.

For the trip - forget the writing and sketching. She isn't into battlefields and just wants a jolly time with her friends. This is normal. The vast majority of 15 yo girls couldn't care less about historical sites, believe it or not.
She needs to deal with the consequences of eating the snacks and using the masks. If she valued what they were intended for, she would have kept them.

It sounds as if she has executive function problems causing time manangement issues, planning and prioritising problems, and simply not getting things done. Can she access support for this through school?

You doing this wrong! The minute she leaves the house you have to relax until the minute she comes back again. That's the whole point of them going away! If you spend all the time she's away mithering about her then you haven't had a break yourself.

The only thing I would be very careful about is the data on her phone. Given you will be the one with the bill for that, I think you need to sort that ASAP. That might involve just putting a bit more money on it.

My very experienced DMum says that 15 is peak horrible for teenage girls. With 4 of my own to get through the teenage years unscathed, I can see some truth in this already.
Hang on to your sense of humour, drink gin and give yourself credit for not rising to it.

Not entirely sure what 'go nuclear' would look like in this context or what good it would do.

She sound like a 15yo

It sounds like your upbringing was really lacking OP. It’s only natural to look at her life through that lens as you put it, but adult you must acknowledge that it’s not your daughter’s fault you had a hard time growing up. It would be like my mum saying I should be grateful for colour TV as she only had black and white. It’s just not relevant to her. I’m sure she’ll understand when she’s older though! She just isn’t mature enough right now.

Let it go. Let her make these minor mistakes and own them . And deal with the consequences.
Give her a generous monthly allowance but to cover all travel toiletries clothes etc so she starts to budget
She has her own bank account and card right?

OP I don't have teens yet but I totally get you on the thing about remembering back to your own teens. I had to work and earn my own bloody money! If I forgot something, tough shit - that was on me. It made me resilient and independent. Never got a bloody allowance of pocket money either, had to buy my own clothes etc. I can see why you are frustrated.

OMG you could be describing my DD. Complains when I schedule her orthodontist after school as it cuts into her precious and super important social life. She’d much rather miss vital lessons. Never mind the fact I actually work so don’t have time to ferry her about in the middle of the working day. Ugh I think I’ve spoilt her a bit as my own parents were relatively wealthy but emotionally and practically absent.... so I’ve made my own bed and my god do I lie in it. You have my sympathy OP these girls are sent to test us. Try not to sweat it. The things she forgot or ate can be borrowed/shared from friends.

None of the behaviour you describe is a big deal, although I can see how some of it is annoying and the whining must be irritating for you. What do you like about her? When do you have fun together? Try to do more of those things if you can stand it, as it’ll help balance things out for you and she may remember those nice times and not the fights.

side note - anecdotal only but I think mothers sometimes expect more from their daughters or find it too easy to compare them to themselves in a way they don’t with sons. Have a think to yourself whether you’d react to your boys in the same way if they behaved like this. Eg do you expect them to do their own laundry for a school trip at 15?

She is a teenager, not an adult. Their brains haven’t developed fully and she won’t be as organised as she will be when she is an adult. Children generally accept their upbringing as the norm, regardless of what their parents are like, so she won’t feel any more grateful than you did at that age. I think your expectations are a bit high.

She sounds like my 15yo. I’m not sure she would be capable of packing unsupervised - she gets distracted.
Maybe accept she needs more supervision.
As for wanting a high end lifestyle - when my dd asks for mad things I just laugh.
You need to take breaks from her!