Peedoff with 15yr old Dd..do I go nuclear

[Baguetted]

Dd 3rd child
today she went off on school trip, end of half term so had plenty of time to get organised

bought all supplies and cajoled her literally up until bedtime last night

woke her up at 4am..stuff still in washing machine

running late in car she has not packed phone charger

went into her room to open window (we have a problem with damp)

she has eaten one of pack of Pringles (of 2 i got for 3 day trip and some other snacks to share with her room mates also got some face masks for her and friends…wrappers on floor) also packet of big chocolate buttons gone from kitchen

Texting me complaining about data (have advised about data roaming)

asked her to pack stuff to sketch/write during trip..she didn’t

she things she’s off on a jolly but it’s an academic trip to battlefields

im so disappointed by her continued lazy and frankly obnoxious behaviour

she continuously has a commentary about her friends having days off school, why can’t she have a dentist appointment during school, why can’t she go to town after school, ugh to everything

h and I finding it difficult to navigate as older brothers both placid and easy going and she is continually falling out with friends and expects to have a high end life style at 15

when I was growing up I literally had the bare minimum from my parents and I’m annoyed after years of supporting her through things she wanted to do (music lessons/gymnastics/drama school) she can barely be bothered to do anything unless there is pay off for her

im now at the end of my patience after a year of her doing what she wants and her attitude but I’m also conscious about not ruining my relationship with a child….

I agree with Op helping finalise an appropriate list of what to pack a week out and helping her find things ready for wash if need be.
Teach her how to pack and check off list the day before.

All a bit of a storm in a teacup, this. She’s a teenager, adjust your expectations a bit! It’s weird because you’re very contradictory throughout your post, it’s not a jolly (miserable bloody attitude anyway) but you’re sending her with snacks and face masks which implies it actually is a fun trip, you say you want her to think and do things for herself but are annoyed she didn’t do exactly as you said and bring her sketchbook and that. She’s definitely picking up on the mixed signals.

And as a teacher who has been on the battlefield trip several time, at 15 it’s not “academic” it IS a jolly, away with her mates, staying overnight with (what they think will be) major shenanigans. Yes there will be contemplative and educational times at Tyne cot and Menin Gate, but interspersed with long boring coach journeys and the excitement of being away from home. Give her a break, it’s probably one of the first residentials she’s been on since Covid.

I have a kid the same age and this sounds normal to me. It's annoying but none of it is really a huge deal. At this age they still need your guidance on most things and have an immature mindset. I also think you're out of order making her use her birthday money on bus fare. That's not a normal thing to do.

That sounds like each of my daughters at 15.
They turn sensible again at 18/19.

I think she sounds absolutely normal for 15.

Additionally who are these dentists who let you schedule appointments not to mess with the school day? Ours is whenever they tell you and if it was 230am Christmas Day I'd be too scared to turn it down.

You're being unreasonable. You won't let her work, but you expect her to pay travel costs to see her friends out of her birthday money (and no, doing chores is not a job by any stretch). And of course she's going to need guidance on packing etc. Why was her washing still wet in the washing machine? Why are you waking her at 4am fgs? Just because you had a couple of placid, tractable children doesn't mean your DD is a problem because she's different.

she always has the option of doing chores at home to earn pocket money but chooses not to

What chores does she have to do as standard without pocket money? Or have you set the expectation that you will pay her every time she lifts a finger?

You can’t go nuclear on a spoilt child if you’re the one who’s spoilt her. I’m not saying you have, but usually that’s the way it goes.

I presumed she was waking her at 4 as they had to be at school by 5 or something

Watched Bluey with my dd for the first time ever this morning. Coincidentally it was The Pool episode - so well written. Also watched The Beach. Loved them.

I wanted to watch more but my dd then wanted Octonauts (which I hate).

I think this is the key.

Your childhood was not ideal. You would have been grateful because you didn't have it.

Your DD is acting like a typical teenager.

She does feel loved and valued because she is not constantly on her best behaviour. She feels comfortable being flakey and wanting money.

THIS IS NORMAL.

I also wonder if you judge her more harshly than her brothers because she is a girl and you are looking through your teenage lense? Obviously I do not have anything to base this on.

I think it is natural for us to take our experiences and then either repeat them if they are good or reject them if they are unhappy.

Eg my dad would always have some clothing as part of his Xmas presents. To this day he says clothes are not gifts.

As a teenage girl I would have quite liked to have some clothes as gifts.

Grab a coffee, or a glass of wine (not now, later) and relax. Have some time to yourself.

Sounds quite normal to me. Also why can’t she go into town after school? I’d let her do that sometimes.

This is all run-of-the-mill vanilla 15yo stuff. Nothing to 'go nuclear' about.

Having a teenager who turns up pregnant or secretly takes class As can be far more challenging than eating a pot of pringles.

Instead of going nuclear over your daughter's normal teenage behaviour, consider the potential consequences of your actions. Your role as a parent is to guide and support her through this phase. Break down big problems into smaller, manageable tasks and provide her with assignments to improve her behaviour.

Kids should learn the importance of organisation and self-discipline but what you've described sounds normal to the point of being yawn inducing. She just needs a little guidance.

Also.
Why haven't you dried her clothes??
Why don't you get her a bus pass so she can to go into town and socialise??

Do we need to go nuclear on you 😉

My therapist is a big fan of telling me not to solve the problems I had for my kid.

I hear you! I also had a very financially tight childhood. My child's isn't. She knows money has a value (as far as you can at 6) but she does not have the really overt gratitude and appreciation of a child who usually has very little, because that's not the child she is. It can be hard for me to get my head around that. I'd just be your usual nice mum self in messages and let her experience having to go without away from you and let that be the consequence.

This. I mean if she was failing at everything spectacularly then I think you both need to look at putting some systems in place to support her. But I don’t get the usual mn opinion of ‘teaching them a lesson’ for every failure. One of my teenage DD’s left her school shoes in the garden when she was playing on the trampoline with her little brother last week. Did I remind her 3 times to bring them in? Yes. Did she bring them in? No. Do you know what I did at 1am when I was lying in bed listening to the pissing down rain and realised they were out and getting wet? I got up and went and put them on the radiator because I’m a not a miserable twat and I wanted her to be able to wear her (dry) school shoes that day. You’re talking like she’s spoiled, but honestly given the examples you’ve given, she sounds pretty hard done by. She’s a child, parent her ffs