Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Peedoff with 15yr old Dd..do I go nuclear

65 replies

Baguetted · 18/02/2024 21:51

Dd 3rd child
today she went off on school trip, end of half term so had plenty of time to get organised

bought all supplies and cajoled her literally up until bedtime last night

woke her up at 4am..stuff still in washing machine

running late in car she has not packed phone charger

went into her room to open window (we have a problem with damp)

she has eaten one of pack of Pringles (of 2 i got for 3 day trip and some other snacks to share with her room mates also got some face masks for her and friends…wrappers on floor) also packet of big chocolate buttons gone from kitchen

Texting me complaining about data (have advised about data roaming)

asked her to pack stuff to sketch/write during trip..she didn’t

she things she’s off on a jolly but it’s an academic trip to battlefields

im so disappointed by her continued lazy and frankly obnoxious behaviour

she continuously has a commentary about her friends having days off school, why can’t she have a dentist appointment during school, why can’t she go to town after school, ugh to everything

h and I finding it difficult to navigate as older brothers both placid and easy going and she is continually falling out with friends and expects to have a high end life style at 15

when I was growing up I literally had the bare minimum from my parents and I’m annoyed after years of supporting her through things she wanted to do (music lessons/gymnastics/drama school) she can barely be bothered to do anything unless there is pay off for her

im now at the end of my patience after a year of her doing what she wants and her attitude but I’m also conscious about not ruining my relationship with a child….

OP posts:
Boomer1964 · 19/02/2024 05:59

My daughter was just like this. Trouble is she still is very disorganised despite being married with a baby due in 2 weeks. Not bought a single item for the much wanted baby or made any preparations! Point is, she's just really different to me. Leave you DD be and let her fall on her own sword.

Happyinarcon · 19/02/2024 06:11

This is my kid. She went on a school camp and wore her sneakers to kayak in because she couldn’t be bothered fishing out her reef shoes. Of course they got soaked and then she had to wear damp sneakers for the rest of the trip and came home with something fungal that I had to sort out

SushiMayo · 19/02/2024 06:25

I'd let the pringles and face masks go. They eat so much food at that age and also why are you sending facemasks on a trip to a historical battlefield. Like you say it's not a jolly. Perhaps she decided it was weird to take them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
SushiMayo · 19/02/2024 06:25

I would recommend the "Pool" episode of Bluey. Where the kids learn the "boring stuff" is important

GlamorousHeifer · 19/02/2024 06:28

She isn't allowed into town after school because it costs £2 on the bus? Have I read that correctly?
Also, as she is 15 I personally would have been in the background overseeing her packing. It wouldn't have got to the point that the washing was still damp on the morning of the trip....it sounds like you are relishing her tripping herself up to be honest.

amieloue · 19/02/2024 06:35

My dd is 15. I literally do everything for her. I couldn't trust her to wash her uniform / clothes for a school trip herself.

I packed my own pe kit / school books / cooking supplies / books. My mum didn't have a clue about what I needed.

It is annoying I agree but some just aren't organised.

I wouldn't be happy that she had eaten snacks bought for the trip. Did she know?

My dd goes shopping with her friends every few weeks. There isn't much else they can do at that age.

Doltontweedle · 19/02/2024 06:39

mathanxiety · 18/02/2024 22:47

You chose to live in the country so she shouldn't have to use her own money to get places on the bus. You should cover this. I'd actually give her an allowance on top of covering bus fare.

For the trip - forget the writing and sketching. She isn't into battlefields and just wants a jolly time with her friends. This is normal. The vast majority of 15 yo girls couldn't care less about historical sites, believe it or not.
She needs to deal with the consequences of eating the snacks and using the masks. If she valued what they were intended for, she would have kept them.

It sounds as if she has executive function problems causing time manangement issues, planning and prioritising problems, and simply not getting things done. Can she access support for this through school?

I am a bit baffled that her ‘high end’ lifestyle includes having to spend her birthday money on £1 bus fares.

triggers34 · 19/02/2024 06:40

My dd was like this at 15 , things greatly improved once she got a apart time job and realised how much things actually cost.

Missingmyusername · 19/02/2024 06:41

Quite Astonished by the replies, no wonder they grow up to be entitled.

My 7 year old wouldn’t eat snacks and throw the wrappers around her bedroom. Who is cleaning that up? You or the child? She’s fifteen fgs not 3.

“Give her a generous monthly allowance but to cover all travel toiletries clothes etc so she starts to budget”- yeah that’ll teach her 🤣🙄

Treat her like a toddler? Provide more supervision?! Sounds like a wind up, but I know it isn’t.
I can recall going to school with friends who had washed and ironed their uniforms, gotten their own breakfast, made their own sandwiches by that age and let themselves in after school as parents were working. One extreme to the other.

Doltontweedle · 19/02/2024 06:43

GlamorousHeifer · 19/02/2024 06:28

She isn't allowed into town after school because it costs £2 on the bus? Have I read that correctly?
Also, as she is 15 I personally would have been in the background overseeing her packing. It wouldn't have got to the point that the washing was still damp on the morning of the trip....it sounds like you are relishing her tripping herself up to be honest.

Also this. I know on mn people apparently expect their children to cook a healthy meal from scratch, clean and do their own laundry from toddlers. But honestly op, why aren’t you washing and drying your child’s clothes? Especially when they’re needed for a trip away. She should have been allowed to be excited about it. Not left to fail so you can prove a point at how horrible she is (she’s not)

asdunno · 19/02/2024 06:45

Having raised two dd I don't see anything to get annoyed about.

The snacks/face masks were a gift her choice how she uses them.

The sketching stuff you advised, she didn't have to take it, advice is not compulsory.

The washing, did you know about it too? Either it was her responsibility and the loss is she doesn't take the stuff. Or it was yours.

With teens you either treat them like adults and allow them to make their own decisions /take responsibility or treat them like children and expect them to behave like children. It's unreasonable to treat them like children and expect them to respond like adults.

CeriB82 · 19/02/2024 06:45

You’re the parent here. Were you supervising the packing? Did you help her make a list of the essentials to take?

she is a child. You’re there to teach and provide guidance, encourage her to be organised. My DS is 15, id be there to guide.

no point in arguing

Countrylife2002 · 19/02/2024 06:47

GlamorousHeifer · 19/02/2024 06:28

She isn't allowed into town after school because it costs £2 on the bus? Have I read that correctly?
Also, as she is 15 I personally would have been in the background overseeing her packing. It wouldn't have got to the point that the washing was still damp on the morning of the trip....it sounds like you are relishing her tripping herself up to be honest.

Agree. I have a 15 year old who is pretty good but even she is dappy as hell and I’d be making sure her clothes were washed and ready and in a pile for her to pack. I’d ignore the snacks issue - her problem she’s eaten them ahead of the trip. And anything school work related leave for the school to deal with.

mine can also have a bad attitude towards me and it drives me mental but I try and ignore as it doesn’t help if I yell at her . She does accuse me of being super naggy though!

Sonora25 · 19/02/2024 06:50

Your massively overreacting. She is a teenager. Some people
on here have DH that don’t manage to pack a bag! Just help her get organized a bit, does she have to be super independent already?

re pringles, it’s really no big deal is it?

Countrylife2002 · 19/02/2024 06:52

Mine is 16 soon and going to college in the autumn and I’ve told her this is when she needs to step up her independence. I’ll still be washing her clothes then though, I just bung them in with mine? She will be doing any ironing herself though and will have a bigger allowance for all her clothes and transport and need to budget. But she is now y11 and it’s a tough year so I’m letting a lot of the disorganised behaviour outside school work / exams go, apart from occasional ‘nagging’.

Dancerprancer19 · 19/02/2024 06:59

I have parented a 15year old girl (foster child so a bit different) but I kept reminding myself how awful it is to be a 15yr old girl. Despite having no major challenges at that point in my life, due to all the crazy hormones it’s probably the time I’d least want to go back to! I was a nightmare, mainly because I cried almost continuously for things that objectively were not a big deal 😂

Your DD sounds like a typical teenager. Be kind to her but don’t feel you have to rescue her from the inconveniences of every choice. You sound like a lovely mum who is trying hard to give your DD and nice experience.

The best advice I got given by and older and wiser friend was something like:

The best thing you can do for teenagers is to have a happy and full life without them and then lovingly care from them, without anxiety, from a place of contentment. You will never get acceptance, understanding or contentment from a teen, there are ALL over the place. They are emotionally toddlers in big bodies and you’ll take it all less personally if you don’t expect them to be reasonable.

rookiemere · 19/02/2024 07:24

I would focus on the big stuff. Are her school grades reflective of her ability? Does she have friends? Does she have extra curricular activities?

I would also pay for her bus pass, it's your choice to live rurally and being able to see her friends is important.

Sonora25 · 19/02/2024 07:26

I am grown up adult with a responsible job and I have forgotten my passport before, forgotten an adapter and left something behind on my last business trip. Seriously cut her some slack, she is a teenager, her head is all over the place!

i am sure she can get materials to sketch/write or she can write on her notes app on thr phone.

don’t label her behaviour like this (lazy and obnoxious) have some patience and understanding, she will learn and sometimes rhe hard way (no more facemasks etc)

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 19/02/2024 07:28

No need to go nuclear, they'll be natural consequences to this behaviour, she won't have her phone chargers, the clothes she wanted the snacks or the face masks. If she hasn't taken what she needed to complete the course, sketch stuff, then she'll learn from that too.

bibliomania · 19/02/2024 07:29

All minor stuff. If you go nuclear over this, what's left for the serious stuff? Enjoy your break!

Floopani · 19/02/2024 07:35

She is being an appropriately annoying fifteen year old girl. No need to go nuclear, but I get why you're irritated. I echo the other posters who advise giving her an allowance for travel/clothes/toiletries if you can, and let her learn to budget, with the consequences of she spends it all, it's gone until next month.

I really get the feelings about how life was harder for you as a teenager. We all want to give our kids the best, but sometimes when we succeed it brings up difficult feelings about what we didn't have ourselves. I'm finding this hard myself right now as I moved out of home when I was 17 and have supported myself completely through uni etc. It was hard work. My own 17 year old is not moving out of home and has a supported, comfortable life. I have saved for uni so they have that behind them. I wanted to do all that, because I didn't want them to struggle like I did. But it does now bring up some difficult feelings in me about my own early adulthood.

Beamur · 19/02/2024 07:40

I also have a teen DD and can't really see why this is a big deal.
Agree with asdunno take.
Teens learn how to do this stuff with a mix of support and independence. The snacks/charger etc are inconvenient to her only - not you. Plus she'll have to find a solution - a friend will have a charger she can borrow, snacks can be bought. None of this is important. Getting it a bit wrong but sorting it out is an excellent life lesson.

user1492757084 · 19/02/2024 07:45

Why do you not want her dog walking over the fields?
Could your DD walk dogs just one or two days per week or when people are away on holiday?

rookiemere · 19/02/2024 07:57

Some of it is a bit hard to understand.

At 15 I would ask DS to make sure the clothes he wanted were out a day before he went, but I'd be the one to make sure they were ready. If they weren't out then, well then he couldn't bring them.

On the data, we tell DS specifically what he needs to do, so gave him money to buy an esim on recent trip and made sure he had a lot of data for another trip. It may seem ridiculous to us, but that's how teens operate.

It's natural- but not helpful- to compare what they have versus what you had. We've always had child centric holidays when DS was younger and I don't think he appreciates how lucky he is compared to my holidays with my parents.

She'll turn nice again and more quickly if you just try to ride it.

Sonora25 · 19/02/2024 08:02

Doltontweedle · 19/02/2024 06:43

Also this. I know on mn people apparently expect their children to cook a healthy meal from scratch, clean and do their own laundry from toddlers. But honestly op, why aren’t you washing and drying your child’s clothes? Especially when they’re needed for a trip away. She should have been allowed to be excited about it. Not left to fail so you can prove a point at how horrible she is (she’s not)

Show quote history

Couldn’t agree more.

When I was 17 I was expected to pack for alone for a two months overseas trip and miserably failed. I packed the wrong things, too many things etc. my DM never took an interest and just expected me to do everything alone. She was on holidays at the time and I was even in the house alone.
I cannot even tell you how awful it is when the adults ij your life don’t provide you with loving guidance and support. I was never taught anything just expected to do it. Now looking at my own kids I can’t understand why a parent would behave like this.

How can a teenager have it all figured out? Most adults need help with things.