Children at funeral

[itshappened]

I am attending my mother in laws funeral and my husband wants our children to attend. They are aged 6 and 4 and it is going to be a full catholic service followed by cremation. My youngest is a very lively child and is going to really struggle to sit through the service, and frankly I'm worried will end up making a scene or will start climbing on the pews and making noise while his dad does the eulogy! I do my best to discipline him, but I'll be honest that it's hard to get him to sit quietly over supper in a restaurant as he won't sit and colour in like his older sibling, so I'm starting to feel really worried about his behaviour in a church. If anyone has experience of taking young children to funerals and successfully keeping them still and quiet, please can you share your tips? Thanks!

If he starts making a noise I would quietly take him outside.

Just sit near the back and take them out if they get bored/noisy.

I used to bring books and a few quiet toys like action figures when mine used to have to sit through Catholic funerals or weddings.

A full on catholic mass is going to be over an hour. Really I think they would be better off not going.

Someone will undoubtedly tell you to bring food to keep them occupied, but I wouldn't do that as I think it encourages boredom/comfort eating.

I honestly wouldn’t take them.

Is there somewhere to take them
if they get restless? Church grounds, cafe over the road etc? Sit at the end of a pew near the back if so.

4 is very young, they'll not get whats happening at that age. Could you ask a friend along, so when they get restless they can be taken out to play whilst you can still stay to support DH?

Given your DH is presumably one of the chief mourners I think his wishes are paramount. He also presumably knows what his children are like? Do you have anyone else who could come with you and take them out if you feel they need to leave? Your parents maybe?

Agreed. I appreciate why he wants them there but it's simply not a sensible idea and taking them risks him not being able to concentrate on the funeral or on saying goodbye.

I would be gently putting my foot down and have them both stay with some of your family for the day.

If your DH wants them there then I'd bring them, but be prepared to bring them out once they get restless. You might want to make it clear to DH that you'll need to do that, as he may feel he needs you there, in which case they maybe shouldn't go.

Do you have someone who can go and help you? Your parents or siblings, or a good friend? If you had someone on hand to remove the 4yo you could support the 6yo and your DH.

I took dc1 to my father's funeral aged 3 and then both of them (14 months and 4) to my Grandmother's. I was worried about getting up to speak in case he followed but he was absolutely fine. My mum had taken loads of sweets for him and bought him a puppet so was rustling away but dc1 was fine. I banned her from bringing sweets/toys to my grandmother's because I found them more stressful. However even at 3 dc1 was the sort of child you could explain or bribe into good behaviour.

I disagree with them not understanding, dc1 absolutely understood it was about saying goodbye to his adored grandfather.

Do you have anyone to take him? One of my sil's offered to either look after dc1 outside church or come to the funeral and take him out if needed.

Would your DH feel upset or unsupported if you took them but had to step out during the service? If he’s fine with you doing that and wants them there then I’d respect that - but make sure he understands that there’s a good chance you’ll have to take him out of the church if he’s restless. And discuss beforehand if that means the 6 to stays with him etc in that scenario. Discuss before hand where is best to sit etc so you’re both clear on the day what the expectations are.

To be honest I think my son too little to go, but my husband is insisting they both attend. He is understandably very emotional about his mum, but it is making him very tense and short tempered at the moment. I've tried to suggest an alternative approach, but have been shut down every time I try to mention it so I think i have to go with the plan that they both attend. He wants me to deal with the kids on the day but says I'm not to take them out of the service unless it's absolutely essential and that I must not let them misbehave. My mother will be there too; but is not particularly helpful when my kids are playing up. I want to support him on the day and take care of my kids but I think I'm going to fail at both, and he will end up really angry with me afterwards.

Will there be other children present?

Can you just tag team with other family so they can take turns with your LO? Maybe even a friend who's not too emotionally involved?

I took my DC (then 3 and 7) to their great grandma's funeral mass and it was ok ..DS1 was old enough to understand that you need to be quiet/respectful at funerals and DS2 I think just picked up on the atmosphere and sat quietly on my lap.

We are regular churchgoers but tbh I'm always telling them to shush and not mess about at church, so I think it was more the specific occasion that made them behave well rather than them being used to mass.

I think they should be there. They might well want to know when they are older that they were present for their grandparent's funeral. I think you sit at the back and distract them and step outside if they are too noisy

personally I wouldn’t expect a 4 and 6 year old to be able to sit quietly for over an hour. I wouldn’t take them, but I’d have someone watch them for the service part and they can join the rest of the family afterwards. We did this with ds and dd when my gran passed away .

I am from a very large Catholic family. All children attend all funerals and it’s understood that their behaviour isn’t always going to be perfect. If they start getting too rowdy they just get taken to the back of church. Granted, by the end of the funeral there’s usually about sixty of them back there with a couple
of the husbands or whatever, but it’s fine.

I think it’s really good to get children used to the idea that death is a part of life. I also think they help little kids understand that the person is gone. Sometimes they just don’t really get what death is.

Other thing is my husband wants us all up at the front of the church... their cousins will be there too, but they are older girls and of a much calmer disposition!

Children are normal at all church services, including funerals. It is also normal and totally acceptable for them to be colouring or doing sticker books etc.

Wouldn't cross my mind not to take them.

I think he's being really unfair. I understand he's emotional about losing his mother but he can't insist that you just make them behave. Children don't always work like that and to be honest you sound like you are so stressed and worried about angering him that the children are likely to pick up on your anxiety. It would be one thing to agree to take them outside if needed but you can't possibly guarantee they will sit quietly for an hour. It also means that you don't get a chance to pay your respects and do your own mourning as you will be so preoccupied.

The Usborne find and look/spotting books were my “go to” in these circumstances. We had done them at home so they understood how they worked and I would then save up new ones for weddings etc to keep them quiet and occupied.

I would not be taking them - too young -

I know your husband is grieving and stressed, but there’s still a limit as to what he can dictate. It is perfectly reasonable for you to say, for instance, that you will need to see how the kids are on the day, that you might need to sit at the back to take them out if necessary.