Children at funeral

[itshappened]

I am attending my mother in laws funeral and my husband wants our children to attend. They are aged 6 and 4 and it is going to be a full catholic service followed by cremation. My youngest is a very lively child and is going to really struggle to sit through the service, and frankly I'm worried will end up making a scene or will start climbing on the pews and making noise while his dad does the eulogy! I do my best to discipline him, but I'll be honest that it's hard to get him to sit quietly over supper in a restaurant as he won't sit and colour in like his older sibling, so I'm starting to feel really worried about his behaviour in a church. If anyone has experience of taking young children to funerals and successfully keeping them still and quiet, please can you share your tips? Thanks!

I know your husband is grieving but his expectation of you and the dcs is unrealistic.

Children in my family don't go to funerals until they can take that decision for themselves.

@DappledThings I never seen a child do colouring or sticker books at a church. I would think that's quite disrespectful- they can get a lot from listening!
Surely a 6 and 4 year old, unless they have certain issues, can sit quietly for an hour and pay attention to what is being said?
Really? Every church I've ever been a member of has had a children's corner with colouring, a few toys and books. Ours puts out themed colouring/wordsearch/drawing sheets every week so it's positively encouraged.

For a funeral it's a bit different and I would be talking to mine and explaining that they would be sitting up at the front and listening more than usual but a child that small with a bit of a fidget and a bit of whispered conversation or even some quiet colouring isn't the end of the world.

I'm in Ireland children go to funerals. It's part of life and research published last year noted our approach is helpful in working through grief.

Children are expected to be children should they get to a stage of needing to to step out and back in then have a plan. Can a friend come with you and take out the younger one and back in? Are they assigned jobs at the funeral? Typically now grand children present a picture for their grandparent or a symbol of a shared activity.
Try not to worry, honestly our stress sometimes impacts their behaviour. Deep breaths lots of praise and a friend to nip out with them.

id be well bored of a funeral over an hour so will the kids. Mine were that age when my mam passed and they went to school like any other day.

there have been plenty of funerals they’ve attended but a long one? No way.

I took mine, aged 5&9 to my mother in law's funeral. There wasn't really an option not to take them. It was just expected they'd be there.

It went overtime & ended up being almost an hour (was supposed to be 30 minutes). The kids were ok, but DD reached her emotional limit about 45 minutes in & started crying. I just got her through it.

Afterwards there was a simple wake & both kids were fine. Their cousin was there & they were playing happily.

Just bring things to distract/entertain them. Stickers, figures, simple snacks.

It's two hours tops and means a lot to your husband. Perhaps compromise and have a supportive friend on standby to take them out if needed, but I think I'd just want to go along with the bereaved person's wishes and make it work.

Yes, this. I am not in favour of automatically keeping children away from funerals like some people are, but I don’t think they should definitely always go and be fully included either. There’s no way you can guarantee that they definitely won’t misbehave, especially in a scenario like this where emotions are heightened, they will see adults they know crying, etc.

I think if there’s any way that you can not bring the 4 year old then I wouldn’t, personally. I don’t think funerals are comparable to normal church services or even weddings when it comes to what is acceptable levels of disruption.

thats quite a list of requirements from your DH:
— kids must attend
— kids must sit at front
— kids must not be taken out
— kids must behave all the way through
— and it’s your fault if any of the above doesn’t go well.

I know he’s grieving and has had a rough time, but does he want your support on the day (so don’t bring kids so you can be there for him) or does he want his kids to be there, in which case your efforts will have to be concentrated 100% on managing the children and he’s not going to be able to rely on you much.

Also what if someone needs a wee? You really would have to take them out in that case wouldn’t you.

can you at least get a steer from him on least worst options - if DC ask questions or get fidgety, is this ok or is this on the list of required behaviour for you to manage - in which case you would need to sit at the back or be allowed to take them out. Unless you have exceptionally quiet and tolerant dc he must know he’s asking for something unrealistic and setting himself up for disappointment.

I would ask a friend, someone who the children know well, to come and if they play up to take them out and let you relax and concentrate on your husband.

Or to split responsibilities, each of you has one child. If you mum comes, can you get her to rise up and help properly?

In my opinion, children belong to funerals, and I would expect a congregation to accept a certain amount of noise.

But - are they attending church at all? Do they have any concept of what a church is and most importantly - do they understand that a person died?

Personally I think 4 is too young to go to a funeral regardless but that's just my opinion and I appreciate that's not everyones, so I have no advice really as I wouldn't entertain at all if it was me

I think there's a definite cultural divide here. I think, purely based on population, on MN most people are British and CofE and it seems children are rarely welcomed or expected at funerals. I'm irish Catholic and my primary aged children have been to three funerals in the last year, two family, so sitting at the front and everything. (The one that was not family, DS thought he knew the drill and went up to sit beside the family in the front row.. was mortified running after him up the aisle to try and stop him!)

But our culture is very much as someone said upthread "death is a part of life" and so are children. At my mum's funeral last year my dad remarked how much he always liked seeing children running around playing at funeral receptions or wakes because he finds it very grounding - life goes on and loved ones will make you smile even in the midst of grief.

To be honest, you'll probably have help; so you won't be alone. DH will be there beside you for all of it except the eulogy or symbols or readings, depending on what parts he is doing. While it will be family in the front row, there will also be plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins in the row behind. They'll more than likely be fine with your DS4 climbing under the bench back to their row and will help entertain him if he starts to get bored. Bring water, tissues, a sticker book etc. Talk to DH's cousins beforehand if you can, and one of them might volunteer to take DS out for a while if he’s too disruptive. DS will probably have little cousins to play with too so that might be a good bargaining chip. Or as a last resort, sit on the wall end of the pew instead of the centre so you can slip out quietly down the side if you have to.

My friend died young of a brain haemorrhage. Her Catholic funeral was very relaxed. Her young daughter wandered around the church. Family members were in and out of the ceremony and dodging past the coffin. It was a small church so very crowded. It was far less formal than CofE funerals.
I doubt that anyone will care if your children are restless.

Even the CofE funerals I've been to there have always been kids there - generally grandchildren and at the front.

Vicar usually makes a point of referring to the much adored grandchildren and nobody minds they are wiggling about.

However Mumsnet funerals always get described as horrifically bleak, everyone completely wearing black and lots of uncontrolled sobbing.

The ones I've been to people do their best to look presentable and there might be some tissues used but unobstrusively.

Once you have had to take them out then when you come back in sit at the back. You can do this.

Feed them before you go in. So they won’t get hungry. Have a spare set of clothes just in case.

Try and get them to move before you get to the funeral if there is time. A walk or something?

You're going to lose whatever happens - if the children go and act like normal children he will be angry (because his expectations are totally unreasonable)

if you insist they don't go he will be angry. There should be limits to how far that anger is tolerated in his expression of it.

I know that he is grieving but I agree with another poster that this does not mean you have to let him take it out on you and your children.

I would acknowledge my husband's grief but would be clear that it is not reasonable to expect a 4yr old active child to sit quietly when they do not have the developmental maturity to do so.

Children can also be quite sensitive to emotions around them which may make your child even more unsettled. I do not think it is fair to make your child deal with his father's anger and grief.

I would give him options - they go and you take out the child if they are unsettled or they don't go.

@itshappened Is there a cultural element to this? My Dad is Irish and my mum was English. My mum found funerals very difficult and we did not attend as children - except when my Irish Granny took us as part of a day out. However, with my Irish family death is part of life and children are always present at funerals. When my mum died we took my eldest to the funeral as he was grieving but left my youngest at home as he was very young and clingy - I wanted to be able to grieve myself. I think it helped my eldest to process what had happened. If your husband wants them there I would respect that wish but insist you sit at the end of the pew so you can leave if necessary.

I personally would take them, but maybe sit towards the back or end of the pews in case you need to take them out, and bring a new colouring or activity book. I certainly wouldn’t have high expectations for them to be well behaved the whole time but I wouldn’t put it past them to be able to sit quietly for at least 20 mins or so either. Agree with pp to feed them well before hand, as hunger can make children more fidgety, understandably.

But then again I come from a culture where it’s normal for children (and even babies and toddlers) to be at funerals and no one really minds if they are restless or toddling about or chatty, and family take them outside if it gets too much. I’m not Irish catholic, but from a Caribbean Pentecostal background (and believe me funerals can even go on longer than 2 hours sometimes 😩) but like the Irish, it’s just accepted that both children, and death and grieving are part of life.

As PPs are saying, I think there are different expectations based on culture. The funeral we took our DDs to was Irish Catholic and children were fully embraced. DD2 (3yo) can be quite the fidgeter but, apart from a bit of chatting to her cousin (2yo), she was perfectly well-behaved for a pre-schooler. The hardest part was her asking where her Great Grandmother was as she could see pictures of her. It broke my heart completely.

Think it depends on the wider family.
My dad died when DD1 was 7 and DD2 a very lively almost 3.
DD2 decided midway through the service that she thought it a great idea that she roll up the order of service and trumpet away while I was giving a eulogy.
For my family it was fine. They knew my dads mischievous side and knew how much he adored his DGC.
I know that DD1 understood the brevity of the situation and it was really important to her and us that she was there.
Sometimes children can bring some light into these occasions.
Only you and DH can decide what's appropriate

In my family it is very common for children to attend funerals. We even went to ones for family friends etc.. My mum was keen we had been to a few before we had to face the funerals of very close relatives - which was remarkably good decision seeing as she died unexpectedly when I was 16 and my younger brother was 14.

At my parents funerals my best friend came too and took the kids off when they were wobbling or grumbling

Redshoeblueshoe · Yesterday 22:00

A full on catholic mass is going to be over an hour. Really I think they would be better off not going.”

This. Add in people likely being upset and it will all be too much.
Can they go to the lunch/tea afterwards? People will probably welcome some light relief and make a fuss of them.

This.

Does your husband take the children to church every week? If so they will be more used to it and he will be realistic about how they will behave on the day.

If not, he is being very unreasonable in his expectations. Having an ill parents and then being bereaved doesn’t give you a free pass to be difficulty and controlling with your spouse for a year.

I think your DH is being quite unreasonable. Of course he is grieving so you have to make some allowances, but at the same time that doesn’t give him carte blanche to be a dictatorial arse. He can’t expect his children to suddenly morph into totally different people for an hour - they’re going to be themselves, whatever that may mean. So if he wants them there, then he needs to accept that they will be themselves, and that may mean making noise or wriggling or needing a breather from it all. You need to sit him down and have a calm but serious talk about realistic expectations and strategies. Maybe that means having someone on standby who can whisk them out for a breather if needs be? An Aunty or uncle, or a good friend?

DS has been to two funerals, one when he was almost 2, and one when he was about 4. The first one I did take him outside for a break as he got wriggly, then two very kind ladies took him to see the flowers in the churchyard so I could be with DH as his mum was actually interred. The second was my grandpa’s funeral, and he managed fine, although it was a shorter service than you’re expecting. He’s now 8, and will sadly have another to attend in the next few months as his grandad is terminally ill. He’ll probably have some questions, and he might not keep a lid on it all the way through (he’s ND), but we’ll manage. If anyone gets a cats bum face, quite frankly they can fuck off - it’s DH’s dad we’ll be mourning and so what DH and his brother want is all that really matters. If they want their children present, everyone else can bore off. Same for your children and their dad.

I think it’s important for children to be a part of things like this and to grieve with everyone else, and if that means colouring books then fair enough. But expecting them to morph into different characters is just daft.