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Original poster

Children at funeral

74 replies

itshappened · 11/02/2024 21:58

I am attending my mother in laws funeral and my husband wants our children to attend. They are aged 6 and 4 and it is going to be a full catholic service followed by cremation. My youngest is a very lively child and is going to really struggle to sit through the service, and frankly I'm worried will end up making a scene or will start climbing on the pews and making noise while his dad does the eulogy! I do my best to discipline him, but I'll be honest that it's hard to get him to sit quietly over supper in a restaurant as he won't sit and colour in like his older sibling, so I'm starting to feel really worried about his behaviour in a church. If anyone has experience of taking young children to funerals and successfully keeping them still and quiet, please can you share your tips? Thanks!

OP posts:
MixingPlaydough · 11/02/2024 22:35

He can want what he wants but he's not thinking clearly or being fair to expect you or the children to have to fit into a plan which is set up to make you all fail.

Yes he's grieving but he doesn't get to dictate a plan that isn't logical or practical.

MorrisZapp · 11/02/2024 22:36

How does he expect you to magically keep them quiet? I'm tense just thinking about the impossible task he has set you. If he insists on their presence he has no right at all to be angry at your handling of their behaviour.

Alicewinn · 11/02/2024 22:37

I'm interested in why he wants them there so badly and they're not allowed to leave and it's all on you. That's making me feel stressed. I think he is BU. Suggest to him he gets grief counselling or anger management, something feels a bit controlling and off with that behaviour

SheilaFentiman · 11/02/2024 22:38

MixingPlaydough · 11/02/2024 22:35

He can want what he wants but he's not thinking clearly or being fair to expect you or the children to have to fit into a plan which is set up to make you all fail.

Yes he's grieving but he doesn't get to dictate a plan that isn't logical or practical.

Agree with this.

if he wants you up front for support, then he or you need to find a friend or cousin willing to take the boys to the back or outside if needed

Dorriethelittlewitch · 11/02/2024 22:39

It's an either or in my opinion. Either they go and he accepts there may be moments of less than stellar behaviour or you make other plans.

caringcarer · 11/02/2024 22:42

Well if he's going to be reading the eulogy and up at the front of the church, it will be very difficult for you to keep 2 small DC quiet for over an hour and your DH won't let you sit near to back to take them out of they are disruptive. Do you want to be at the service because you'll end up missing it if you have to take DC out. I'd get my Mum to.look after them for the hour and bring them to me at the wake afterwards.

Original poster
itshappened · 11/02/2024 22:42

Thank you all for the advice. I think many of you are right and I'll just have to do what I can on the day, and that may well mean taking them outside. My 6 year old is very sensitive and has been so upset since she saw daddy cry about her grandma, that I'm going to have to be very mindful that she is supported too. Generally I'm quite relaxed about the kids and I take them everywhere, but my husband has been very impatient with me and them over the last year while his mum has been unwell, that I'm probably over thinking the funeral.

OP posts:
notknowledgeable · 11/02/2024 22:45

Even if you are at the front, there is likely to be a side door, and you could be right next to it

mydogwantsabone · 11/02/2024 22:48

Children are welcome in Catholic Churches. The last funeral I went to, I read. My kids were three and five and I sat them on a bench near the front and told them to sit still. Another child was being given toys and snacks - it's perfectly acceptable as long as it's the right thing for your child, the priest won't care.
My kids go to Catholic school and we have school mass - school aged kids have to behave (supported by teachers) but half the (Catholic) parents are at the back with the preschoolers and toys and snacks. Do what you need to do to get through it.
If they are noisy, so what. Kids are noisy sometimes. Jesus said let the little children come to me.
I'm sorry for your loss.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/02/2024 22:49

We took our 9yo and 3yo DDs to their Great Grandmother’s Catholic funeral last year. My parents also attended and were on standby to take them out if there were issues. They were both fine. DD2 was a little bit restless but nothing too distracting and other people were grateful to see them there.

iOoOOoOi · 11/02/2024 22:49

I think it's good that you've decided that you are just going to do your best. Chances are It will be fine and even if they are a little lively no one will mind.
I'm usually the last person to defend a grumpy man but I think the stress of dealing with the death of his mother makes his grumpyness more understandable. (It would still annoy me but I could understand)

I'd take sweets/iPads or whatever to the service or anything else that might help with the kids.

ShiftySquirrel · 11/02/2024 22:57

I've not been to a requiem mass that's ever lasted longer than an hour, and I've been to a fair few from young childhood.

I'd take DC (and have done), it will be hard work, but if that's what your DH wants I'd go with it.

Take books, the 1001 things to spot is a good shout. Enlist whatever help you can from your mum or other family.
Explain to DC before hand that they will need to sit quietly for quite a while.

And explain exactly what will happen in terms of the coffin etc. Also ask them to hold onto any questions they may have until afterwards too.

If they get fidgety being able to send them to sit on another adult's lap can work wonders.
Kids can often play up more for their parents, but they may be more subdued if you or your DH is visibly upset.

Good luck OP, I hope it goes well.

Runnerinthenight · 11/02/2024 23:00

Bereaved or not I think your DH is being unreasonable to insist that you keep them quiet!

My kids went to church very regularly and also embarrassed me on a regular basis! You just can't predict what they will do!

When my dad died they were 9,7 and 2.5. We took the older two and they were fine. My mum died 5 months later and again we took the older ones not the youngest.

If you feel you need to take them out, do it.

No point in massively stressing yourself out. Sorry for your loss x

rainingoutsideagain · 11/02/2024 23:10

Take them to the wake it will everyone's spirits afterwards but don't take them to the ceremony is my experience. That's what I did and it was lovely children being around afterwards it makes everyone reflect and smile.

LostMySocks · 11/02/2024 23:20

Does the church have a chapel where you have a glass window to the main alter?

I've sat in them many a time when DS was young.
Gives another option than going to the back/out of they are restless

Psychoticbreak · 11/02/2024 23:21

Im Irish raised catholic and it is normal for kids to attend funerals. Mine have been to far too many. In your situation you will have to of course sit at the front to be seen as your husbands support but just try and engage the kids as much as you can in what is going on. Theres a lot of standing, kneeling, sitting etc and they will be fine but if not just bring them outside for a walk. Its a normal process in any catholic funeral that kids have to be taken out of church for a bit and sometimes when kids do or say things not meant to be said (like one of mine asked why the man on the stage was wearing a dress in her loudest voice) and it takes a mild break from the sadness. Do not stress honestly catholic funerals are not as harsh as people think.

Psychoticbreak · 11/02/2024 23:23

Oh and not sure what country the funeral is and I have never been to a church in the UK but in Ireland most have 'crying rooms' and you can bring a child in there to calm them. I spent most of one of mines own christening in there cos he just really did not want to be catholic at 4 months old!

mitogoshi · 11/02/2024 23:25

Up to the family, it's fine if children have toys, colouring etc. also fine if they speak. Catholic Churches expect children to be there so won't be fazed if they aren't perfectly behaved. Mine went to church from birth, never once has any commented on them having quiet activities with them

mitogoshi · 11/02/2024 23:29

I should add it's also fine if one or other wants to stand with daddy if he's reading ... I organise a dozen or more funerals a year (work!) and I've seen it all, children are welcome. In fact seeing the younger family members there is often helpful because it's a reminder of new life ... the song from the lion king (which I've heard played, even sung live

DiscoBeat · 11/02/2024 23:32

We took our two to my MIL's funeral. We sat right at the back near the door and I did taken them out once when the oldest started looking like he was going to get impatient but it wasn't disruptive at all. They were 3 and 11 months.

DixonD · 11/02/2024 23:37

I would NEVER take a child to a funeral. Not ever.

I attended one was I was seven and I’m 41 now and I still get upset about it now. I couldn’t process it at the time and I still haven’t. I’ve only been able to attend one funeral since, for someone who wasn’t a particularly nice person and I didn’t know them well, but I sobbed through the whole thing because it was so triggering in relation to the one I went to as a child. I was still crying for the person we buried as a child. I’ve never been able to visit their grave.

Just don’t take them.

TheSandgroper · 11/02/2024 23:39

Your kids are old enough to talk to. Discuss expectations well beforehand. Get there very early and go inside for a good look around, meet the priest, press the keys on the organ and chat then get outside and get them running to burn off some energy.

You’ve got this.

Pickledperr · 11/02/2024 23:43

I have my 6 year old my phone (obv no sound!) during her grandmothers catholic funeral. It was 1.5 hours and she just wouldn't have made it otherwise.

NewName24 · 12/02/2024 00:13

Children are normal at all church services, including funerals.

Not in my experience at all (and I've been to many, many, many funerals in different denominations, and also those just at the Crem).

It comes up on every thread on MN about funerals, and I've not figured out if it is specific to a few Geographical areas or just to some families, but I rarely see children under 10 - 12 at funerals.

There is no way I would take my dc to a funeral at 4 or 6. In fact, I didn't, to any of the funerals I attended when they were those sorts of ages. I would want to be concentrating on the service, and doing my own grieving, not trying to occupy small dc. What we've done is go and collect them and bring them to the tea afterwards.

Sorry OP, I can see your dh is insisting, and, as it is his Mum I can see you want to support that, but I haven't got any advice as I just wouldn't have done it with mine at that age.

mondaytosunday · 12/02/2024 01:23

@DappledThings I never seen a child do colouring or sticker books at a church. I would think that's quite disrespectful- they can get a lot from listening!
Surely a 6 and 4 year old, unless they have certain issues, can sit quietly for an hour and pay attention to what is being said?
My father passed away when my kids were 3 and 5 and they attended the funeral. They were fine - I explained why we were there, to say good bye to grandpa, and what would happen. I then had a child minder take them for the reception as that would be long and I couldn't get away easily.
Their own father died a year later. They again sat very well throughout, and listened to their older half brother and friends talk about him.
If you prepare your children and go through what will happen and your expectations of their behaviour then I'm sure they can comply.