Any others who keep themselves to themselves in school playground??

[Sweetsummerscrub]

Just got back from a reception all-class party and feel wretched. I went through a dreadful divorce with my ex, who was abusive then told courts, social workers (he reported me repeatedly) that I was an unfit mother etc. a few years ago. It was really horrible and made me very paranoid. Also I just generally have social anxiety and am auti-HD so find small talk hard anyway. Anyway I resolved to keep myself to myself a bit more as I want to maintain my privacy and for the sake of my mental health; figured I won't be in touch with these people after primary anyway (and we are near a big university so lots of families where the parents are academics are only around for a few years anyway). But today I just felt so horrible at the party as everyone seemed to know each other and I was just sat there by myself. I do try and do play-dates when I can but I share contact with my ex, and I work, so don't really get to do those impromptu play-dates. I had a meeting last week as DD(6) is struggling at school, she has autistic traits and is waiting for an assessment but school seemed to be saying the reason she has no friends is cos I am not at drop-offs and pick-ups (she goes to a childminder) and now I'm thinking I should've made more of an effort mixing. With older DD, before I split up with my ex, I was working different hours (part-time then mat leave) and had thrown myself into school life, doing PTA, pub drinks, picnics and so on but people from that year group are less friendly now I am divorced (a few nice ones are kind to me but people generally keep their distance as understandably don't want to be seen to be taking sides).

I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else who doesn't mix loads with other parents or carers socially? School haven't helped and have made me feel really guilty but DD doesn't want to do playdates with classmates anyway, the people she likes to see at weekends and in the holidays are friends from the childminders who are older than her. I just feel horrible ☹

I don't bother with anyone. I'm polite to dc friends parents and chat at the door for a few mins if we have arranged play dates but that's it. I would always stand on my own in the playground (smile to anyone I recognised but that's it)
Dc are old enough now to walk out to the car, total game changer.
I promise I'm not rude and do have a social life I just can't be arsed with the school politics

I've had some really nasty run ins with many of the school mums. I've pulled right back and decided I'm there to support my child and the school but I want nothing to do with most of the mums.

I don’t speak to any of the other parents. It does get awkward at plays and sports day etc standing there alone whilst everyone is chatting and also means Dd doesn’t get invited to play dates but I’m fine with that, we’ve had party invites and I just grin and bare it but I have no interest in being friends with anyone from DC school and don’t talk to anyone at all.

Thanks for your replies ❤
I just feel like it's not gonna be good for my mental health to get involved and try and make friendships. But worried it'll have a negative impact over next few years. Though then I also know that kids choose their own friends (or don't!) regardless of play-dates foisted upon them.

I have no interest in making any more mum friends. I arrive at the playground just before they come out at the end of the day, then we go home. Too many bitchy mums out there.

Really sorry to hear that 💔 I haven't had any run-ins but I found out people in my older DD's year were talking about me and it knocked my confidence sooo much.

School haven't helped and have made me feel really guilty how so?

I don't. I've witnessed people getting too close and it backfiring. People having affairs with others' husbands, people being reported to social services over made up allegations, she said this, she said that etc. I have a few people I speak to at the school. One has become a good mate. Sometimes I don't speak to anyone. I am not part of any cliques nor do I want to be.

Because they implied that DD is not making friends because I am not around to pick her up several days of the week.

Me.Im the one happy enough to stand on my own,collect my child and go.I have no interest to make small talk.The only thing that annoys me is the 'chatty close parents' tend to be on the PTA board,so they favour the children to pick for school plays and other activities.

Crikey! I'm not aware of any affairs but that must really set the cat among the pigeons! If it happens in my DD's school everyone would know in about 2 minutes because it's a really small community and everyone's connected to each other in multiple ways with siblings, or being neighbours, etc.

That’s horrible of the teacher to have put this pressure on you. Your daughter’s friendship issues will be due to her neurodiversity, not your being there at pick up.

did you post about a teacher saying this to you at parents evening?

In my experience the school gate is not the place to make friends, you might do but basically it's a group of people there for one reason - you have a child there - and having a child is not enough in common with anyone to build a friendship. It will help you A LOT if you manage your own expectations, I promise.

The teacher should not have blamed you for your DD's social problems, utterly ridiculous. Schools are for children, not parents! My DD is very popular and I took to avoiding the school gate politics like the plague very early on.

I'd change your expectations, why would you want to be friends with/accepted by people who behave like that? Bring a book to the next party, make it purposeful that you're left out if you see what I mean.

It won't be long until your DD can either start to take herself to/from school or come and meet you round the corner, believe me that is a game changer and this will all feel like the distant past.

Also - One of the best bits of advice my friend gave me when I split up with DC's father is that you'll quickly learn who your real friends are as many people will distance themselves and/or drop you like a hot potato.

I don't have fond memories of this time. I worked FT and DH would do all the drop offs and pick ups, I was always the outsider at parties and school sports days etc.

I was more shy in those days as well.

There will also be some other mums that are not in the main group. I know it feels like they all know each other well but there will be some other mums feeling like you who might be easier to chat to.

It didn't stop my DDs making friends and actually when they did that was a way in to start talking to some of the other mums.

I don't have school mum friends. I keep to myself and tend to drop off just as the whistle is being blown so no time to stand and gossip, and that suits me fine! I work so I'm not there at pick up as DS goes to after school club, so no chance to meet and chat there either. I'm okay with it although parties and school events can be a bit awkward as the others all chat and I am on the outside - but it's half an hour to an hour once in a while and I can deal with that.

Life is so busy that I actually struggle to keep up with my real friends let alone looking to add somewhat superficial school mum friends too!

Thanks for this... xx I thought the meeting went OK then afterwards it kind of sunk in and I was really upset and felt really guilty 😭

Nope, first time I've ever posted about this; only spoke to the teacher last on Friday. That's quite depressing if other teachers are saying similar and making parents who have to work feel guilty!

I'm a teacher myself so don't do any of the school runs. I have zero friends that have a child as young as mine (3 - my other two are 14 and 16) and at 43 I genuinely couldn't care less!

Thanks, that's really good advice I think I actually will bring a book to the next party. I am looking forward to them being older so I don't have to stay for the duration.

And yeah, definitely found out who my friends were after splitting up with my ex. Some mums seemed to act like being divorced was contagious and literally stopped talking to me overnight! Which at the time really hurt which is why I have deliberately chosen to not mix or try and strike up friendships with younger DD. But now feeling horrible mum guilt and also like I am the only one who's not in with the in crowd so to speak 😞

I did try and make friends on the school run , but I felt like I was I avoided when somebody more popular was around . Now I try and time it so I say a quick hello and have to dash off.

Mine are secondary age now and it’s bliss they take themselves to and from school

but I was in the primary school playground to drop my child off and later to collect and that’s all. I don’t get the ‘I must make mum friends ‘ thing. Why? My actual friends are elsewhere

What is actually wrong with keeping yourself to yourself? You carry on op. I’m sure you’re absolutely fine as you are

@Sweetsummerscrub I totally understand its hard when you share care with an abusive ex. My boys were court enforced 50/50 at just 3 and 6 and I did feel a certain stigma from other mums as a mum without her children a lot of the time.
How much is your child with you? ❤️

It's so reassuring to hear other mums with similar experiences.

We're new to our school, having moved from a nice reception class to a new school for year 1 due to house move. Whilst most of the mums seem nice enough (on the surface), I've already experienced being blanked and the "chatty mums" talking to me one day, then grunting at me another.

I'm too old and ugly for that crap. I am exploring an autism diagnosis having spent my whole life feeling like an outsider and being put into a social situation with other women who seem both more able and more confident to socialise makes me retreat. There are a few mums I can see could become friends though. A few gems who seem genuinely kind.

I too stand on my own most of the time now as my mental health can't take the uncertainty of the situation. At least if I don't try, I can't get knocked back. On the days I'm feeling more confident, I sometimes stop to talk to another parent on their own, but I avoid the "gang".

You're not alone and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Life is short, and for me at least, the goal is to reach happiness, and I can only do that by being true to myself and accepting myself for who I really am. If that means I don't make mum friends, so be it I suppose!

Thanks xx we are also 50/50, have been since youngest was 2 - it really sucks 😪 definitely I think that if you are "co-parenting" (whatever that means, I don't think it is possible if you have a co-parent who's abusive) then people whose kids with them are 24/7 don't think that you're a "proper" mum and that it's all shits and giggles when your kids aren't with you and you are living the high life. When in fact I miss them terribly. And that kind of look of horror / pity / disdain when you say "they're with their dad this Christmas" is just horrible. It's not catching! I am so sorry you're going through the same. 💐💐💐