Any others who keep themselves to themselves in school playground??

[Sweetsummerscrub]

Just got back from a reception all-class party and feel wretched. I went through a dreadful divorce with my ex, who was abusive then told courts, social workers (he reported me repeatedly) that I was an unfit mother etc. a few years ago. It was really horrible and made me very paranoid. Also I just generally have social anxiety and am auti-HD so find small talk hard anyway. Anyway I resolved to keep myself to myself a bit more as I want to maintain my privacy and for the sake of my mental health; figured I won't be in touch with these people after primary anyway (and we are near a big university so lots of families where the parents are academics are only around for a few years anyway). But today I just felt so horrible at the party as everyone seemed to know each other and I was just sat there by myself. I do try and do play-dates when I can but I share contact with my ex, and I work, so don't really get to do those impromptu play-dates. I had a meeting last week as DD(6) is struggling at school, she has autistic traits and is waiting for an assessment but school seemed to be saying the reason she has no friends is cos I am not at drop-offs and pick-ups (she goes to a childminder) and now I'm thinking I should've made more of an effort mixing. With older DD, before I split up with my ex, I was working different hours (part-time then mat leave) and had thrown myself into school life, doing PTA, pub drinks, picnics and so on but people from that year group are less friendly now I am divorced (a few nice ones are kind to me but people generally keep their distance as understandably don't want to be seen to be taking sides).

I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else who doesn't mix loads with other parents or carers socially? School haven't helped and have made me feel really guilty but DD doesn't want to do playdates with classmates anyway, the people she likes to see at weekends and in the holidays are friends from the childminders who are older than her. I just feel horrible ☹

@Sweetsummerscrub Thank you. My boys are now almost 14 and 16 and sadly I see them even less now; 13 yo every Weds-Sun and 16 yo just EOW. My ex-husband did warn me before I left him that "If you dare leave you lose your boys (b**ch), so I guess it shouldn't have surprised me when I did.
If you are interested there's a group for mums without their children (some or all of the time); just send me a message if you'd like details. I've found it a Godsend because I don't know of another mum IRL who has gone through this ordeal x

What an absolutely horrible man!! 😰 That's awful. I am have DMed you.
I don't know anyone else doing 50/50 or even close, it is quite lonely! X

I hate the school run mainly due to the small talk, I have friends that are on the school run and have no need to make small talk with them because they are my actual real life friends. But some of those mums chatting in the car park are probably real friends too. Just thinking out loud because I hate the school run and it’s politics.

I don't chat at the school gates and I'm pretty content with it. I think the other parents are nice enough, they aren't bitchy, but I'm not interested in chatting and I usually have my toddler in tow to keep me occupied, so I don't feel awkward not chatting. DH does the morning runs anyway, and DD does after school activities every day, so I either collect later if it's at school or pick up and have to rush off to take her somewhere else. School events are usually with DH too, so we chat to each other. DH does most of the parties now, as I have to look after our younger DC.

I don't think it makes a difference to how many friends your dc makes at school. DCs like to choose their own friends and even at Reception age will see right through efforts to engineer friendships by parents strategically planning play dates. I don't like hosting play dates so we don't do them. DD is happy and popular at school, because she's fun and smart and the other kids like to be around her.

Thank you for this. Well that was my thinking really, DD will just not engage if I start trying to engineer friendships so it'll be really awkward. And I have precious little time with her anyway as she is with my ex so when I DO have the time to do a playdate, I want to arrange ones that she actually enjoys with someone of her choosing, not some random from her class who she won't necessarily want to hang out with.

Put your own mental health first and do what feels right for you. If you don't want to chat at school drop off that's absolutely fine and you and your child won't miss out. It's horrible that the teacher put blame on you. Your kid is in the classroom all day with these kids and it's up to them to see if they want to mix with those kids outside of school or different kids.

I'm an outsider but met a couple of others early on that aren't in any of the 'cool' gangs and I chat to them. I'm old and not fussed by any drama or politics. I'm also ASD and if I'm not in the mood to talk I turn up seconds before the doors open. Other days I'm ok and go early enough to have a chat to them.

School pick up should just be about getting your kid to and from school. It's perfectly ok to not want friendships from people that the only thing you have in common with I'd that you have similar aged kids.

Thanks @Pjmasksonrepeat. Stupid thing is that school know I have MH difficulties as my ex made sure to tell school them aaaaallll about them when we split up, including really personal stuff that even my closest friends and family don't know about. I get that the school is underresourced and stuff but I wasn't asking for much when I met with the teacher (teachers, as the head was there too). I just wanted to start a dialogue as DD is so hysterical and upset virtually every morning at drop-off

I pick mine up from wraparound care so don't see anyone at the end of the school day, but know a few people by face or from parties.

I find being friendly but not actively seeking or expecting friendships is a good approach because I know enough people by face that people will pass the time of day. I actually find it more awkward when I say good morning to some parents and they either look confused or give a weird look.

how did the school address this following your ex telling them this?

who does pick up on these days? your ex?

You sound lovely and it's great that you are engaging with the school to try and help the drop offs. It breaks my heart when they cry and don't want to go in, it's so tough.

It's sad they couldn't work out something. Like she goes in 5 mins early or late, or has a special job when she arrives or something small like that. Our TA welcomes every child and any upset shes there instantly trying to help and encourage them.

Sorry your ex shared such private information.

I hate to say it but being at pick up helps.

I knew no one before my kid started reception but being there 2-3 times a week makes a difference. In the nicer weather, there was impromptu trips to the park and it meant I go to know the parents and my kids got to know the other kids. I also make an effort to talk to parents at parties and clubs etc - not because I am super interested in their lives etc but because I know it beneficial for my kid and that we will be around these people for the next 7 years at least.

I don't think I would know anyone that well had I not done pick up.

I am there for all pick ups and drop offs and YET no one talks to each other, we've had no party and no playdate invites whatsoever. My child also in reception. So no, it's not your fault. Some schools are more friendly. We're planning on leaving the area next year anyway so I'm not too upset but will be if it happens in the new place!

I don’t talk to anyone on the school run, I tried when my eldest started but Queen Bee didn’t like me so I was totally shunned and so I don’t bother anymore. I also have terrible social anxiety so even trying to speak to others was a huge effort and having it rebuffed was enough to make me not try again but tbh I do prefer it that way. There are one or two parents I will smile at and say ‘hello’ to but that’s about it, I hear loads of the parents all bitching about each other then acting like best friends two minutes later and I know I am best out of it. As of next year my youngest will be age enough to meet me outside instead of me having to stand in the playground and I can’t wait.

out of interest… have you invited anyone over?

If you don't want to talk to anyone at school gates, don't. But then you don't really get to complain that
you are alone at parties
your DC don't get play date invites
every single person is bitchy or in a clique ( how would you know really?)

You get what you put in.

I have genuinely tried but people sort of avoid eye contact and it doesn't really get to the stage of extending an invite without being quite forceful with it! We didn't have this problem at preschool, lots of playdates and parties there, so it's this school that's the odd one! No one from the old preschool went to this school. I started the year smiling and trying to make conversation but there's only so many times people don't smile back before you just don't bother!

I don't really get it. From what I remember from school in the 90s (my DC is not in school yet so I haven't experienced it from a parental point of view yet) my mum did chat to people she knew but I wasn't always necessarily friends with their kids. I made my own friends in the classroom/playground myself and from around 8, play dates would be organised by them during school hours asking me round for tea or a sleepover or me asking them. I feel my peers had the same experience. My parents didn't really speak to my actual friend's parents much. Didn't affect me making any friends whatsoever.

That's horrible, I am sorry. I am sort of like should I bother as people have gosspied about me from older DD's year group and been weird since my separation.

I think that when I was at school in the early 90's all-class parties carried on till about year 3 or 4 or so. Not everybody did them but there'd be a few every year for sure. Now they don't happen past year 1 or 2 so but they are more extravegent like having a bouncy castle or a childrens entertainer whereas people used to just have the whole class round to their house and their parents would organise games then do a simple tea with sandwiches, jelly&ice cream and a cake. And the main diff is parents and carers are expected to stay which is the part I hate as I feel I stood out like a sore thumb at this weekend's party I just been to.

This is music to my ears I hope that they become sort of self sufficient doing their own organising. It is worrying though that DD is on her own at school oweing to her probable autism and then I feel I am not helping by mixing more but it genuinely makes me feel ill and I feel like I have to protect my mental health
But now school are highly insinuating that she doesn't have friends because I don't do pick-ups and the childminder collects and also I have closed myself off a lot since separating because my ex has been so horrible about me.

My ex collects alternate fridays and she goes to childminder 3 days to then on to me or him depending on how the week is split. I also do collect straight from school one day a week and alternate fridays. Sometimes she doesn't go to the childminder with him though and he goes straight to the school and collects her from there. But I can't collect straight from school on a childminder day if it's my week because of my work.

I don't do school runs, I did for a while and found the standing around making small talk with other parents a bit awkward but the actual driving and parking the most stressful bit. However I'm still friendly with a lot of parents and get involved with pta and stuff where I can and kids have friends though not many playdates but they are happy enough. It is completely out of order and unprofessional for the teacher to suggest that you not doing pick ups and drop offs is causing the friendship issues, that's so unfair

They were not great they were writing up a team around the family and my ex included really awful stuff about my parents which was made up but they included it anyway and also some stuff which was so personal (history of abuse etc.) that I had to say this isn't proportionate so it shouldn't be in here so they did take some stuff out but now the head teacher knows about it and it has definitely changed how the head teacher interracts with me. When the early intervention practitioner spoke to me she said she had never read a team around the family which was so detailed, they aren't usually that detailed as they don't need to be. Then social services closed the case anyway because they just said it was parental acrimomy and despite all the reports my ex had put in, there wasn't anything wrong with my parenting. And my ex didn't want to get help with his parenting and whilst some of it is far from ideal it doesn't meet the threshold for statutory and he didn't want to accept their help when they offered it so they closed it to him as well. It was a total waste of time but my ex got to spread a lot of gossip about me and my family and obviously disclosed a lot of personal information which the school staff can not "un know" or forget. If that makes sense. Essentially they handled it badly I think because they aren't used to doing team around the family in this school or working with social services.

Oh and being in the class whatsapp group can help of they are civil enough and you can cut through the moaning and constant silly questions. I also have the numbers of my child's friend's parents and organise playdates with them, my children have learnt that they have to ask us permission to have friends over and also make sure it's ok with friends parents to go to theirs!

sorry op i don’t understand

the school…
* they were writing up a team around the family*