Any others who keep themselves to themselves in school playground??

[Sweetsummerscrub]

Just got back from a reception all-class party and feel wretched. I went through a dreadful divorce with my ex, who was abusive then told courts, social workers (he reported me repeatedly) that I was an unfit mother etc. a few years ago. It was really horrible and made me very paranoid. Also I just generally have social anxiety and am auti-HD so find small talk hard anyway. Anyway I resolved to keep myself to myself a bit more as I want to maintain my privacy and for the sake of my mental health; figured I won't be in touch with these people after primary anyway (and we are near a big university so lots of families where the parents are academics are only around for a few years anyway). But today I just felt so horrible at the party as everyone seemed to know each other and I was just sat there by myself. I do try and do play-dates when I can but I share contact with my ex, and I work, so don't really get to do those impromptu play-dates. I had a meeting last week as DD(6) is struggling at school, she has autistic traits and is waiting for an assessment but school seemed to be saying the reason she has no friends is cos I am not at drop-offs and pick-ups (she goes to a childminder) and now I'm thinking I should've made more of an effort mixing. With older DD, before I split up with my ex, I was working different hours (part-time then mat leave) and had thrown myself into school life, doing PTA, pub drinks, picnics and so on but people from that year group are less friendly now I am divorced (a few nice ones are kind to me but people generally keep their distance as understandably don't want to be seen to be taking sides).

I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else who doesn't mix loads with other parents or carers socially? School haven't helped and have made me feel really guilty but DD doesn't want to do playdates with classmates anyway, the people she likes to see at weekends and in the holidays are friends from the childminders who are older than her. I just feel horrible ☹

how often does your ex have you son?

Does he ever go to the school?

ah i see he goes every other friday and days in between? what sort of a relationship does he have with the school and other parents if you are aware of any?

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful.
I do worry that your post here is outing though , to be honest.

Team around the family is like when social services are involved as part of a group of professionals who know the family (school, nursery, childminder, health visitor, social services) and they are supposed to all work together to support the family. One of the professionals is the "lead professional" and they write up a big form with the background information and it has goals and outcomes on it and you are supposed to have regular meetings and reviews. We only had one meeting then at the second one they said there is no point continuing because the "only" issue was parents are in a messy divorce (I don't think it is a messy divorce that minimised it. I think he is doing post separation abuse) and my ex didn't want help and I didn't need help. But when the head teacher was writing the original document my ex put loads of lies in about me and also shared really private information about my past which was not relevant and I didn't want the school or anybody else to know about. Basically he just used it as a way to criticise me and make me exposed. Whereas it is supposed to be a positive thing where you can improve out comes for the children. (He was really annoyed that social services said there was no role for them to work with me and complained about this to the director of childrens social care and got it re-opened with a different early intervention team as he said the original team were biaised against him but then they also closed it because they still couldn't find anything wrong with me.)

op the head may know

but she will not b e thinking badly of you or anything by knowing personal truths about you

It is ridiculous for the school to say she has no friends because you're not at drop offs and pick ups. My child had lots of friends and it has nothing to do with me or my presence.

the Op actually is at pick up several times a week

if op is such an outlier at this school… then means no other mums work part time or full time!

I don’t actively and haven’t sought out others at the school gates however, I am polite make idle chit chat but have no interest in being ‘friends’. I am also on the PTA though, my Dc get no preferential treatment, parts in plays or sports at all. My kids have friends and I am happy to organise play dates etc with others. I left all WhatsApp class groups & don’t get involved. It’s what I like. Do what makes you happy.

It does help with their friendships if you are friendly with the other child's parents. Seeing each other outside of school helps friendships to grow and develop. Making small talk with other parents isn't always fun, but I found it to be really helpful for the DC.

There is a middle ground between 'aloof and unfriendly, don't talk to anyone' at school pick up and 'stuck in bitchy nest of vipers'! At first I treated DD's friend's parents like colleagues - polite and friendly interest and chit chat, nothing serious. Now we are a few years into school and some of them have become genuinely wonderful friends to me.

I do a few drop off and pick ups each week. There are a few parents I see every single time, and they literally never say hello to me or acknowledge me. I guess I'm not their cup of tea, but I find it really weird that they don't even make eye contact or say hello given how often we see each other!

Not necessarily. I live in an area where despite working mostly its mums who do drop off and collection.

I did the playground years twice over. The first time I was swooped up by a very friendly mum and swiftly dropped and ignored when she got bored. I spent the next few years mostly sat alone while she held court with all the other women she had swooped up.

The second time around I decided I’ve got my family and friends, I’ll keep myself to myself. My dd made a best friend very quickly and I was swooped up by the mum. Lots of friendly chats at the school and looking after each other’s children. Then one day she’s not as interested in chatting and it becomes awkward- you can tell she’s dreading having to say hello to me - and then it goes from a polite hello, to a nod, to only saying hello to my dd, to literally ignoring us in the street as we pass.

Literally nothing happened for either of these women to do this to me. I spent a lot of time thinking I had a personality flaw I couldn’t see or something but honestly, years later and many forum threads read of women experiencing the same thing - I conclude people are just bloody strange and I can’t do anything about that.

Could you not have swooped onto someone else and picked them up @OriginalUsername2 instead of sitting alone? Or were they all "taken"?

That's really weird and I'm sorry that happened to you 😭 My sister got swooped twice as well, with mums from 2 different year groups. 3rd DC she has the year group is fine and no swoopers. Really really weird. She managed to make some nice friends eventually but being swooped so intensely then dropped really shook her and she is a confident person normally. In hindsight she has realised the "swoopers" are the ones who have a problem and they act quite strange generally.

I don’t want to do that to people!

Thanks @Sweetsummerscrub

Yes these “swoopers” are a type!

I actually randomly saw Colleen Nolan saying the same thing happened to her on daytime tv once 😂

I spent the next few years mostly sat alone while she held court with all the other women she had swooped up.

@OriginalUsername2 are you seriously that all the mothers in this class all lacked any backbone and were all enamoured with her?

I don;t understand. You don't want to chat or make friends? Why were you sitting alone while she held court?

This whole thread is baffling. So many people saying they won't talk to anyone, but at the same time saying they have no friends. There is a middle ground, as pp said.

I think you’re reading too much into my post. Feels awkward.

Ok. I am clearly out of step with general sentiment on the thread, which is to to keep to yourself at school gates and assume everyone is bitching about you, if they talk to each other.

Personally, I don't believe everyone at the school gate is in a bitchy clique or a Queen Bee. We are not in a hive! I think there's value in pleasant chat and getting to know people in every social setting. At the very least, you won't have to take a book along to the school party. 🙄

CharlotteRumpling
School run threads always go this way on Mumsnet.

At different times I've had friends I know at the gate and other times I've been a friendly "hello/good morning" person but not had friends.

On Mumsnet there's a lot of people who don't want to talk to anyone, but stand at the school gate inventing conspiracy theories about other parents against them. At times it borders on main character syndrome. You can play bingo with it: cliques / bitchy mums / the other mums don't like me because I don't dress a certain way / the mum staring into the middle distance doesn't have something on her mind, she must be judging me and thinking she's better than me / the reason my child doesn't have play dates is because the other mums don't like the way I look or because of my weight or because I don't wear make up / something about PTA mums / queen bee.

Meanwhile the other parents are picking their children up from school, thinking about work, putting a grocery order in on their phone, got something on their mind about their home life, saying hello to their friends and enjoying a little adult conversation, usually oblivious to the fact someone is stewing and inventing stories about them.

Yes, exactly! You have put it perfectly. Clearly the OP has got serious stuff going on, so she has grounds for keeping to herself, but I don't think it's a good thing to do, generally.

These days, if people look distracted or aloof, I assume they are worrying about the CoL. They are most definitely not thinking about me.