Write your honest dating profile - Lighthearted!

[strawberryicecreams]

Met DH on a well known dating site, 15 Years ago! Happily married for 10 with a bunch of DCs. Tonight we were laughing about our dating profiles and how we may have exaggerated / failed to mention certain things.

If you were to write your honest profile now (married or not!) what would it say?

Mine:
Tall, Blonde, Blue eyed, 40 something.
Sickly cheerful, clumsy and talks far too much, especially first thing in the Morning!
Obsessed with Music and true crime podcasts, dresses like a CBeebies presenter and spends all my money on Concert tickets.
Not to be given Wine under any circumstances

Medium height but overweight and lumpy woman seeks sex god.
Unsociable most of the time but can have little flurries of sociableness at unexpected times.
Like to blend into the background apart from when I don’t want to.
Fan of reading unless I’m tired. Which is most of the time.
Message me if you are Guy Garvey.

Short, fat and grumpy woman seeks science mad professor type. Looks unimportant as long as you can talk about science for hours.

I have far too many kids. I enjoy ranting about the SEN education system. Meeting up with friends and sleeping to much. Unless your professor Brian Cox or Tom Hiddleston I possibly couldn't be arsed.

Woman who has had negative experiences with men but is nether the less heterosexual seeks a man who isn't a misogynist, low level sex offender or a waste or time..

Short smiley lady, attractive in dim lighting, if she's drunk plenty of water and had a good night's sleep.
Happy, easy going and slightly manic but can't function after 8pm.
Only hobbies are reading and charity shops, both of which she prefers to do alone.

Very fat 50 something woman, can't see anything without her glasses and just can't be bothered with men. However, if you love gardening and would like a project, feel free to apply and I will make tea, bake cakes and encourage your gardening technique from the patio. Not a euphemism!!

Short, blonde, 50ish and will never buy a size 12 again. Hates most people, prefers dogs. Hobbies include drinking wine then attempting to cancel out said wine at the gym. Please only apply if you look like (or even are) Fred Syrieux and you have no irritating habits.

Short, fat, autistic, grumpy 50 year old seeks tea total, non smoker who doesn't want to talk to her unless she wants to talk and only subjects she is interested in. Must be happy with no sex, no kissing and hugs only when asked for. Ideally will accept relationship in theory but will not expect regular communication. Must be available for a week every 2-3 years to help redecorate.

Must love cats.
Strictly no romantics or sex people.

5 foot 7 attractive blonde (photo attached as proof, taken 20 years ago in flattering light and a following wind - cannot guarantee facsimile now). I prefer my phone to human interaction, sadly work in a twat public facing job so have no words left at the end of the day. Likes wine and cigarettes. If you're an introvert millionaire, apply here.

Brunette dyed because of the grey bits
may otherthink everything
and has a degree that relates to unpicking your brain at every opportunity
seeks hotty only amazing personalities need to apply
ps I’m not a porn star a few dates seem to think I am 🤣

Short fat aul wan looking for a hot younger man, you will have to come to my place though because I can't be arsed going out. Bring pizza. And beer. Actually just leave them on the step and go.

Fatter-than-she-was 40 year old with greying hair and no patience for incompetence, seeks a man who isn’t interested in living together, being looked after or really having that much attention paid to him. Dinners out, theatre, weekends away and interesting sex all organised by you at my convenience as a minimum standard.

Dark hair, blue/green eyes, tall and athletic 40 something seeks fun loving nerdy-hippy-pagan type man for adventures in my caravan.

Interests including fungi, crafts and hard house.

Some of these are so funny.

Hugely fat, dough-faced, highly intelligent woman seeks short, ugly, witty, cat-loving astrophysicist with no money and incredibly low self-esteem.

"Introvert. Enjoys quiet reading, solitary puzzles, single-handed snuggling with a hot water bottle a blanket and a film, solo walks, unchaperoned visits to the warm corner in the local pub with a nice glass of wine, singular... ...actually, never mind."

tall, looks OK for 50s but gym bore. Also politics bore. Annoyingly chirpy in the mornings and won’t share heated blanket on couch at night. Think I am funnier than I am.
seeking small castle in Scotland. With gardens, stables and an orangery I can grow tropical plants in.
If a man comes with it that’s an added bonus. Skilled enough to wake up the menopausal libido but not to be offended if it doesn’t

50s female whom it would take far too long for me to do anything with grace and love for you we would both be dead.
Unless you are Clooney or Reeves. Then I might spring into action.

Slight 52 year old with ADHD who can hardly sit down long enough to watch a whole film looking for tolerant, witty, wealthy and charismatic man who doesn't mind her having her own way and pretty much only eating salad.

Must be willing to do DIY, fix mountain bikes etc. And he mustn't drink or take drugs or do any other things compulsively or be a bore. And must be very nice to children who are not his own.

Hello twin 😂

Short rotund late 40's, thinks like a 12 yo, body makes 60yo noises, don't come between me and chocolate or wine, if watching a box set best left alone, looking for a mid 40's tall fair hair male who when something is right in front of him he won't see it, whinging is bonus

Natural Nordic blonde, will only ever drive convertible cars. Will look in every jewellery shop window for hours but no wish to get engaged.

ISO conservative looking dark haired self sufficient patient man. No tattoos, smokers, heavy drinkers, shaved heads or facial hair. Previous applicants need not apply.