Should I tell my daughter that her grandma died or wait until after her big presentation tomorrow

[thisisminnie]

I found out this afternoon that my mum has died. It's a big shock although she was 85 and frail.

I'm alone at home with the kids as my husband is away for the week. I told my son (13) but my daughter is not home yet. She has a big presentation tomorrow - as part of the final exams for her apprenticeship.

I feel like I should tell her straight away not keep it from her, but worried about upsetting her when she has such a big thing tomorrow.

What would you do? Should i wait? I don't think I can sit with her being all normal but she will be home and eat dinner with me.

I think you have to tell her.

Too much risk nowadays of someone posting something on social media. One of my DDs found out her Grandad had died on Facebook as someone posted a "thinking of you" message to her cousins and she saw it on the bus home from school.

It would also be a lot of pressure on your DS to say nothing and show no upset until your daughter knows.

So tricky.

but won't your son tell her? Thing is you're asking him at 13 to keep a massive secret that she may resent him for.

Id wait, but with your son knowing.. I'm on the fence, I think the people who are receiving the presentation could be ok with a delay given the news?

Now you’ve told your son you’re going to have to tell your daughter.

Oh goodness also I'm sorry for your own loss.

Don't tell her

You need to tell her, at your mum being 85 she'll be expecting it. The timing is rubbish. She could email the apprenticeship provider/assessor tonight explaining there has been a bereavement in the family and they may move her presentation date.

Sorry for your loss too.

Given that you have told your DS I think you need to tell her.

I understand that you want to protect her, but sensing the atmosphere and imaging what is wrong could be worse.

Sorry for your loss.

My mum waited until after my siblings A level exam to tell them a grandparent had died. It’s been 10 years now and the sibling has never said they were upset about the information being withheld.

There was a shorter time frame involved though, and my mum didn’t have to act as though everything was fine whilst grieving, as they were already at school at the point we found at.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. I’m very sorry for your loss.

I waited until my son had finished his exams.

I think you'll have to tell her. She'll know something is wrong.

Is it a shock death? Or have you all been counting down the days?

As your son knows, it is best to tell her. Even if your son keeps quiet and you wait, she may ask you when it happened and when/how you found out. She would feel awful knowing that you felt you had to hide it from her.

I think it's best to be honest and open.

Please tell her. My mum kept news from me in similar circumstances, and although I understand why she did it I felt quite lied to. It also puts me on edge, because if I ask ‘how are you’ and she says ‘fine’, she might be hiding something again.

My DM told me some bad family news before a really important event and it played on my mind too much and I fucked it up

And I'm usually the calm one in a crisis

I still don't forgive her really for not waiting a day to tell me

I think tell her

My son is going to be out a lot of the evening. But yes, I agree it's not fair to make him keep it a secret.

The op says it was a shock in the second sentence of her post.

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Secondly how likely is it that your son would tell her before tomorrow?

If she fucks up her presentation because she is upset how much would the death of a grandparent adjust her grade? I am only asking because death of an actual parent is 5% for GCSE so absolutely nothing and really wouldn't help.

For me I would not tell her and we have been in this position where we didn't tell the children for a day until some things fell into place.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I think now your son knows you have to tell her (unless you’re both very good actors and there’s no way she’d see anything on social media). She’ll be able to get special considerations for her presentation. If you don’t tell her, there’s every chance she’ll pick up something is wrong and feel anxious and have her presentation affected anyway but without the special considerations. Sorry again OP

I really appreciate all the different viewpoints.
I haven't decided what to do yet, I have a couple of hours.

To be fair you do get consideration for loss of a family member if she tells them before the presentation and they normally increase the mark by up to 2 grades

So you could be doing her a favour but she must tell them before the presentation not after.

As a previous poster, I'd be very careful about not telling her given you are seeing her today. It would mean you would be effectively lying to her, if she asks you what's wrong for example, what are you going to say? For university exams, you can claim exceptional circumstances for that sort of bad news, I'd have thought similar provisions would exist for apprenticeships.

If she was away and uni and your son could understand and be trusted to not tell her, I'd hold off.

If you are all at home together- you might have got away with not telling either of them but since you told your son, unless he's a mature and understanding you have to tell her before someone slips up and says it

I think as you've told your Son, you have to tell her now. I probably would not have not told any of them until after the presentation tomorrow but it's a really tricky situation to be in. So sorry for your loss