Should I tell my daughter that her grandma died or wait until after her big presentation tomorrow

[thisisminnie]

I found out this afternoon that my mum has died. It's a big shock although she was 85 and frail.

I'm alone at home with the kids as my husband is away for the week. I told my son (13) but my daughter is not home yet. She has a big presentation tomorrow - as part of the final exams for her apprenticeship.

I feel like I should tell her straight away not keep it from her, but worried about upsetting her when she has such a big thing tomorrow.

What would you do? Should i wait? I don't think I can sit with her being all normal but she will be home and eat dinner with me.

Wait and tell her afterwards

She's 19 by the way, but this is the first significant loss in her life. They weren't especially close but my daughter was better able to handle her than anyone else.

We're not in the UK, we live in Switzerland, not sure how much provision would be given here. My daughter's apprenticeship is in nursing so she is well aware of aging and death. Not that that helps.

My mum had been ill and in hospital earlier this month but I think we all assumed she would hold out for a few more years rather than something so sudden.

You can't tell one and not the other!

This^
Sorry for your loss.

Tell her. Mine didn't and it damaged our relationship, I felt lied to, like I couldn't trust her again.

This. I'd not have told any of them until after her presentation.

A family member very suddenly and unexpectedly died on my wedding day. They weren’t there as it was a Covid wedding. My parents put on a brave face and didn’t tell me until the following day.

Honestly, it was obvious something wasn’t right from their faces but I’ve not blamed my parents or held it against them for holding the information back so as not to upset the day.

Apprenticeship EPAs do not work like that.

She could email the EP Assessor if she has had contact, and ask if she could be given a temporarily postponement?

Or you could ask your son to support you and not tell her till afterwards. That would be my choice I think.

It's very difficult, I didn't tell my daughters my mum had cancer as she was three months away from her GCSEs. They live 300 miles away though so it was an easy one to hide and I told her once surgery had happened and we knew there was no spread.

I think because you've told your son you've complicated it and if he tells her that could cause additional upset

I probably should have thought of this before telling him, I know but he was here when I found out and it didn't cross my mind not to tell him.

Sorry for your loss. Now you have told your son you definitely have to tell her I’m afraid.

I wouldn't tell her, I remember the shock and grief I felt as a teenager when a grandparent died even though yes, they were very old and frail and it was to be expected. I think teenagers can be more emotional. I don't think I could have undertaken any kind of exam straight after at all. Unless the presentation can be postponed, I would hold off until afterwards as this is such an important event for her.

I saw your update that you are not in UK . Do you need to plan travel now?
In general I wouldn’t tell but I would hold out with telling DS as well.
DH was in a similar situation (exams at uni) and he wasn’t told but it was in olden days without even mobile phones. The problem is that nowadays she might learn about it from someone on social media or other relatives might call you today and she might realize.
It also depends on personality a lot. I wouldn’t tell my DD in this circumstances , but I myself would be ok especially for the very next day, it’s actually a bit later when it hits you.

@thisisminnie Of course you wouldn't have thought, you were just told terribly sad news! How old is your DS? Do you think you could gently ask him not to say anything?

It’s a tough one.

If I were your daughter my immediate reaction would probably be to be really angry at you not telling me.

Having said that, in the long run, I would eventually be grateful you saved it for after my big exam.

You've told your son so you have to tell your daughter

I’d wait but tell her a few hours afterwards

I'd say not to tell her, unless your son will.

Difficult for you, but I've delayed conveying the terrible news to my children for similar reasons. None have been angry with me and appreciated the consideration for their upcoming events.

The losses for them have included grandparents and an aunt (my sister). I've also kept the news from certain children, whilst others have known. Again, no anger from the ones that found out later.

You told your son. You can’t ask him to keep a secret like that.

also, how good of an actress are you? My mother died relatively young, but I was physically impacted. My whole demeanor changed. There were moments I held it together in the first 24 hours, but I don’t think anyone who knew me could have taken a single look at me and not known something was very wrong.

I think there’s the danger she sees it on social media from cousins etc. I think there’s no right thing to do here to do the best for everyone. You also need to think of yourself a bit.

Sorry to hear of your loss and I hope in time you can remember and celebrate your mum's life. I am in the tell now camp.

I'd wait IF you can be sure your son or social media won't pass the news to her.

If there is that risk I think she would be extremely hurt. If not, I think she would understand why you did. And I would appreciate you thinking of my best interests and holding off telling me, I'd definitely not be making it all about me.

I hope you are okay too, I'm sure it can't be easy fretting about this after such a heavy day for you.

My condolences OP. If you were going to keep it from her, you shouldn’t have told your son. You don’t really have a choice.

Yes, unfortunately I agree it's best to tell her

I say this as someone who has also found out about the death of a grandparent via social media

Sorry for your loss. This happened to my family a couple of years ago and we waited. There was no ill effects from that decision.