Should I tell my daughter that her grandma died or wait until after her big presentation tomorrow

[thisisminnie]

I found out this afternoon that my mum has died. It's a big shock although she was 85 and frail.

I'm alone at home with the kids as my husband is away for the week. I told my son (13) but my daughter is not home yet. She has a big presentation tomorrow - as part of the final exams for her apprenticeship.

I feel like I should tell her straight away not keep it from her, but worried about upsetting her when she has such a big thing tomorrow.

What would you do? Should i wait? I don't think I can sit with her being all normal but she will be home and eat dinner with me.

If we weren’t in the modern social media era I would say don’t tell her. In your daughters shoes I would understand you didn’t say anything with best intentions.
But if she uses social media she will likely find out anyway if other family are on there talking about it. So I would tell her if that is likely to happen.

Don’t tell her! Tell your son to not post anything etc.

You’ve told your son so you need to tell your daughter. I’d have waited to tell both of them until after her presentation but that can’t be undone now.

I’m so sorry for your loss, you need to tell her.

My parents did exactly the same to my DB when our Nan died because he had some assessments the next morning. I knew and it was awful hiding it from him. We were 13 so younger but 17y later it’s still a really sore point for him, he really struggles with the fact that we all lied to his face. Please don’t do it

I wouldn’t tell her.

Tomorrow is really important and I assume she’s worked really hard for it. If you tell her obviously she will be sad about her loss but also really worried about you which could affect how she performs. It isn’t ideal, but if you can be sure that she won’t find out elsewhere then wait until after she finishes tomorrow.

I wouldn't have told your son as he may slip /be upset /mention it

I would have not told either child till tomorrow once presentation done

Sorry for your loss 💐

So so sorry for your loss.
I can totally understand your dilemma. I think it depends on your daughter, how she is likely to react (of course she will be upset, but so much that she cannot do the presentation? I remember having to chair a meeting (online) at 15:00 and my gran had died before me at 8.00. I was so tunnel visioned I just ploughed through, but everyone is different and it would be totally reasonable that some just wouldn't handle it.

We had a family bereavement last year where we decided not to contact a family member until after an event they were in the middle off which meant instead of finding out immediately they would have found out 2 hours later.

Unfortunately, someone at the event sympathised with her. It was the most tentative of connections that there was no way we could have forseen it.

In fairness, she understood it was well intended but was very upset nonetheless.

My mum kept some very important life events from me temporarily to avoid upsetting me & I’ve had horrible anxiety issues because of it. I just can’t trust her. I know that sounds dramatic but being left feeling like a blow could surprise you at any minute is a horrible feeling. If your DD finds out some other way it’ll really shake her. A wobbly presentation one time is much more preferable to broken trust possibly forever.

If you want to keep the secret kick him out on a sleepover. Phone his best friend's parents and explain the situation. Grovel abjectly.

The minute after DDs presentation tell her and tell her why you waited. You know her best as to how she'll react.

I think you're reasonable to give her the best chance.

I think you need to tell her. If the worst came to the worst and she struggled with the presentation surely they’d take her circumstances into account?

I wouldn't tell her. You say they're not very close but that she could 'handle her' so I'm sure she'll be grateful and understanding of you choosing to let her do this important exam

Just tell her immediately afterwards

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think you should tell her as she will see both you and her brother this evening.

Perhaps she can email her supervisor this evening, even though they probably won't see it till tomorrow. It may save her having to give a long explanation in person before her presentation.

This post seems quite divided. But I wouldn’t tell her. I would wait until afterwards. It will make her presentation so hard if she is upset. I think I would understand if my mum did this for me. I’m sorry for your loss.

I didn’t tell my youngest two that their grandmother had died for a few days. I left it u til their school terms ended. They’re both autistic, and I needed to get some help in place from their schools and a bereavement charity to help them process it. It was the right decision for us.

Whatever you decide, I’m wishing you solace. It’s a rough time in life, losing a parent.

I found out my grandad died through social media & my mum felt so awful. I wouldn't run that risk if I was you I'd tell her.