Happy fucking anniversary

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I'm just ranting here so that I don't cause an argument.

It's our two year anniversary. I pay all the bills. I do the cooking. The cleaning. Make his morning coffee, wash his stinky boxes. Fulfil his 'fantasies', never complain when he games 24/7 without any input into the house or the kids, support him emotionally and financially aswell as contact his boss for him if he's too 'poorly' for work or if he feels his boss was mean. He's 28! How has it taken me two years to realise that not only is he a man child but I'm a fucking idiot who's allowed it for so damn long.

It's our two year anniversary today. My flats being inspected on Tuesday and I've had a battle trying to sort mould (yes it a council flat, I'm hoping to earn enough to rent a place as soon as I can not only for a more healthy environment but I want a forever home for my children) but this battle has caused me to have to rip down wallpaper, throw away furniture and carpet and this inspection was thrown on us on Friday so very last minute and I'm having to pretty much redecorate the entire flat. De mould it. Try and sell things to afford more furniture and paint and make it look the best I can. It's 8.53am. I have been doing this non stop since 8am yesterday. So almost 25 hours now. I haven't slept because my kids are having a special day out today with friends and I'm the primary carer for a bunch of kids. So i need to make sure they have a special day and sort this place out within two days for this landlord check. Which if it weren't for the mould would be totally fine but it's so bare at the moment and I'm concerned they'll think I'm not taking care of the property. So that's whats making me even more mad. He said he would do the day out with me but last night deemed he was too tired. Went to bed (while I was still painting and glossing) at 10pm. Still asleep now. His input into the redecorating was to put down 2ft of vinyl. That's it. In the process he broke the toilet too so that's not functioning. The anger I feel is so so strong. Every bit of me wants to finally tell him to get the hell out of my flat. I also have a chronic illness where I'm not supposed to exert myself because I can't physically eat so my energy and muscle mass is limited. Yet I'm pushing through to save our kids home. Why do I have such a bad habit of picking the laziest and useless of men. I so annoyed with myself. It's clearly my fault because I've never picked a gentleman who is genuinely a team player. 50-50. I sit here and listen to his excuses all the time and this is the final straw for me. I can understand financial struggles but emotionally and physically never supporting your partner but claiming you do 'care' is full on bullshit. Claiming you're better than all other men. Claiming you're different. It's all bullshit. He's bullshit. This situation is bullshit. I may be 30 but I'm totally done with relationships.

Apologies for the rant I just can't live life like this anymore 😭

All you need is reasonably clean and tidy, Anything else is not necessary. Let them see the mould in its full glory. Only other clean up I would suggest is getting that man out. The place will look much brighter in no time!

I know you have done it all and it's heroic, but stop now. If I was doing the inspection and you had no flooring and no wallpaper due to mould the only person I would judge is the landlord.

Stop cleaning right now.
Pack up his stuff instead and put it by the door.
Wake him up and tell him he's out.
Where he goes is not your problem.
What a USELESS fuck.

As in he could be in the children's lives if he were her their dad is what I was saying but that if he was that's not reason for him to stay. I typed my reply before OP confirmed they aren't his children and therefore what I said isn't relevant because he can just pack up and go, he's not tied to them.

There are men out there who like single mums because they think they will be capable and mature. They think they can coast along while the woman will be the "adult" and take them on as another child to be looked after.

This is the type of man who won't contribute to the cost of meals or other bills as they think you'd be paying for them anyway so their presence makes no difference. Leeches.

Kick him out, you won't be able to get him to change, this is how he is.

I second the pp who are saying to let them see the mould. My son lives in a council flat and had his inspection on Friday. I have to be there as he is a vulnerable adult with mh issues. One of their questions was whether there was any mould anywhere. They also asked some questions about how he was coping with cost of living etc which I thought were a little intrusive but then went on to offer support from various agencies so we'll see if anything comes of it.
Please try not to worry and definitely get rid of your lazy boyfriend.

Is that to me?

Of course it matters. If he isn’t their father there is no reason for the children to have any relationship with him. It’s irrelevant to whether OP kicks him out or not but not to whether she has to put up with him in her life for the next decade or so.

He’s not their father so none of them ever need to see him again.

Which is what I'm saying. No need to snap at me when you misunderstood what I said and meant. Let's not derail the thread as I'm agreeing with you!!

OP you have got a lot on your plate

But you aren’t married to this bloke and he isn’t your children’s father, so stop doing anything for him and kick him out. Next time he’s at work out all of his stuff in binbags and text him to back to his family.

Citizens advice will help you legally if he’s likely to cause trouble, though he sounds too lazy for that.

Just make sure the house is reasonably tidy and clean for the inspection, you do not need to wallpaper and paint, it will just hide the mould and no one would expect you to decorate a mouldy house.

Sit down for 10 mins and have a cup of tea and write a quick tidy up plan if you need to.

Try and chill on the day with the kids - let them get on with it.

Buy some bin bags on the way home. Put his stuff in them next week.

Start again. Would you consider staying out of relationships for a couple of years and focusing on yourself - something is up that you’d even consider letting a loser like this into your life. It’s not good for you or your kids.

Good luck this week. Remember to breathe.

Wtf are you doing. Stop being full time carer for this useless lazy cocklodger and stop avoiding the argument with him. I nearly wrote “more fool you” as i read through that you do literally everything for him but you seem to be waking up to it and realising. You’ve molly coddled him and he’s let you and is happy to disrespect you as you’ve been disrespecting yourself. Glad you see it now!! Get rid of him and keep working on your self esteem x

Kick him out asap. What a useless waste of space he is. I can't understand why you've tolerated him for so long, but no need to waste any more time on this loser.

You've been fighting for 7m for them to come out, now they are, you are covering up the issue?

Surely this thread isn't real?

You aren’t silly OP you are trying to build a good life for you and your kids.

As the PP says you are safer in a housing association than with a private landlord.

The first thing to do is contact Shelter in the morning, they will help you complain to your housing association everytime they don’t do something. They gave far more clout than you. You can equally use Citizens Advice, but Shelter have more specialised knowledge of housing. Stop trying to do it on your own, use them.

They can also help you negotiate the system to get you moved to a better property.

Only go private as a last resort, there is so much less protection.

link to the housing Ombusman that you complain to if your HA is playing up just FYI - but get Shelter or CAB to advocate for you.

www.gov.uk/housing-association-homes/complaints

I’m not snapping at you, it was a genuine question, using reply doesn’t make it clear who you’re talking to. It doesn’t reply to specific posts.

You're doing yourself a disservice by getting rid of the mould. Whilst the visit is an annual check not linked to the mould, if it's not visible in the check and you want to complain about the mould again in future, they'll say there was no sign of it at our annual check so it mustn't be a problem.

If you are on any benefits him living there means you lose £££

Kick him out and claim what you are owed - even you council tax will drop.

Firstly, please STOP DECORATING!
You've been nagging for them to come round and look at the mould for months and they keep cancelling. This might be a seperate type inspection, but if there's no mould because you've made it go away for a week, then you definitely wont get that inspection. If the mould is bad they will likely escalate your visit. If it's fine, then that will probably be used to justify not coming.

By decorating it you are properly shooting yourself in the foot.

Agree with others. Stop decorating. Tell him to get out. He isn't contributing to anything, you aren't married and he isn't your dcs' father. Why is he there? We all know why! Free room and board and a skivvy washing hi pants for him. Get rid ASAP

The inspection won't penalise you for mould, unless you are running a laundrette in there with the windows closed.
Seriously stop trying to hide it and let them see the state of it There is a big focus now on stopping blaming social housing tenants for mould and trying to help to resolve it so stop covering it up as if its a bad as what it sounds like a bit of paint won't do anything other than hide the situation.
That's not to say that they still won't also ask you to help with the situation so make sure you ventilate and heat the property adequately as well as anything else they recommend.
PS..Happy anniversary, treat yourself and get rid of him

Also agree, stop cleaning and decorating, let them see the mould, they need to see the house is sub standard, very odd you're hiding it.
Don't be desperate to private rent, a council tenancy is secure.
Also chuck the lazy useless bastard out forthwith.

Don't live like this anymore then. Get him out and you'll feel 5000 times better.

Relationships never quite work out 50/50 all the time, that's life unfortunately, but they should balance out fairly over time. However, your partner sounds like it is more about what he can take from your relationship. He sounds more like he needs a mum than a partner. What 28 year old man has his partner phone his boss because he was mean! I think you have found yourself a 28 year old child there. He really needs to stop gaming so much and step up to his responsibilities. So sorry to be negative, but you you really need to be kind to yourself and your kids, and invest your energy more constructively.

Arrange for the locks changed next time he goes out

@ThisIsMyNameOkay neither the council nor a private landlord can dictate how a tenant lives their lives. I dont understand why the council are doing yearly inspections. they only need access for gas and electrical as well as faults like mould.

Did you know anything about what he was really like before you got married.

So basically you’ve deliberately sabotaged your chance to get the mould dealt with by deliberately hiding it!?

WHY?!

That’s crazy. The inspection team will go back and report that there is no mould to be seen with the assumption you are lying / exaggerating. You’ve just ensured that nothing will be done about it since the council will never believe you would deliberately hide the extent of the problem.

Also, private landlords can kick people out far more easily than a secure tenancy with the council. Most people would bite someone’s hand off if offered one and you want to voluntarily give it up for all the insecurity of a private rental? Again, why on earth would you do that?

You seem to be making a string of bad decisions of which moving in a cocklodger is the least and probably the easiest remedied!