Are there any adopted people that feel like me?

[PaperDoIIs]

Not exactly fun and games I know... but it doesn't fit AIBU.

A lot of the narrative around adoption feels extremely romanticised to me. The longing, the questions, the need for x,y,z. Where do I come from etc. Then you have the searches and tear jerking getting in contact and reunions (for various reasons whether it goes well or not). I don't doubt some people feel that way . I don't deny those people their feelings,experiences and needs.

But what about the other side? I don't know whether I'm in the minority, or rather just me/my circumstances (basically fucked up) , but bar a "would be good to know my medical history" thought I don't really think about it. I don't need to know where I come from to know who I am. I don't consider any of these people family. I don't long to know them and be with them. I don't see why I should invest time and money to look for them. I also don't hold any anger or resentment over it. I understand the situation very well. My curiosity is more "clinical" and of the "why don't I feel /want x?" variety mostly. I did ask some questions, but there have been times where I actually forgot what my birth's mother name is.

Is it just me?

Hey Op. I have an adopted person within my close family. From what they have shared: their feelings have not remained fixed throughout their life. Their feelings and around their adopted status became hugely significant when they had their own children: the first time they were able to look at a person to whom they are blood related.

Their feelings were similar to yours until that point.

I have children. In fact, I found out when my daughter was a year and a half.
I wonder if it's finding out late why I feel (or don't this way). Or if there's just something wrong with me.

I can't relate to any of it (research, stuff in the media, movies/books etc.)

No, it's not just you. I never once felt the desire to search for my birth parents. And when I accidentally found my birth mother online I was planning to never go back to the website. My husband talked me into ("She's an old woman. Maybe she needs closure.") allowing contact. She's a decent person and I like her and my half-siblings, but they mean little more to me than anyone off the street. We have no shared history.

I call her once in awhile and visit once in a great while, but she's not my mum. My mum is the woman who raised me, loved me, sacrificed for me and who I love and miss every day.

I'm adopted and found my birth mother 19 years ago . I have no contact with her . I wanted to find out who my birth father is, as it's pretty obvious I'm mixed race . She wouldn't tell me a thing, I didn't want to hunt him down just find out what his heritage was. Also as I've got older I'd like to know medical conditions as I have a few and I'd like to know if they're hereditary

DH was adopted and is very similar.

his mum and dad brought him up and are his parents. He’s not interested in finding his bio family at all. Only interested from a medical history pov

My DH is adopted, he's early 50s now and both his (adoptive) parents have passed away within the last few years. He's never had any thoughts of finding his birth parents, and has absolutely no curiosity about them, although he does know some details about them (ages and occupations). He absolutely considers his adoptive parents as his parents but I did wonder if he might want to find his birth parents when they passed away, but nothing changed for him.

He doesn't have any birth children of his own but considers his ex-step-son from his first marriage as his son, as well as considering my son as his own. So I don't know if that makes a difference, but he's always said that he doesn't consider blood to be important to family relationships.

I can understand the medical history thing. I'd actually want to know that , especially since i had two scares and would be good to know what else is lurking. Can't have one without the other though.

My feelings are similar to yours, perhaps even more extreme as I have no curiosity whatsoever. My family are my family, what came before is entirely irrelevant. I've always known I was adopted and I think that is important.

I also don't like the nonsense often seen now where children get a letter/have to visit the birth 'parent' so many times a year or whatever, I think that is terrible and confusing for the children involved and massively prioritises adult wants over the child's wellbeing.

Not adopted but I have an absent biological father. I have zero interest in ever meeting him. I looked him up on Facebook once and found him (unusual name) so I could easily make contact if I wanted to. I was hurt when I was young that he never made contact with me but I know enough of the circumstances to understand as an adult that he is a flawed person and contact may not have been in my best interests as a child.

I found out in my late 20's but there had been some niggles before. My first reaction was "well.. that explains some things.".

Didn't have a good life with my adoptive family (much better than an orphanage though), and I already had a new life, my own family and was my own person. It just came as another thing in a long list of shitty things.

100% agree OP. I did find my birth mother but it was just a curiosity thing, I have loads of half siblings and have never bothered to contact them. I've enough going on in my own life. They don't know about me. My sister, also adopted has a similar attitude and has met half siblings and they msg once or twice a year as you would distant cousins. Her family have never met them and its never really arisen. My friend also adopted and never even traced her mother, absolutely no interest. I get very impatient with all the dramatics to be honest, each to their own I suppose but it irritates me because those people set the narrative.

Also my birth mother didn't want to be a mother and was willing to part with me, I'm not saying it wasn't awful for her but she also doesn't fit the narrative. I came from a rather notorious mother and baby home in Ireland and its always talked about here, there are horrific stories but none relevant to my story. I used to be open about it but a few years ago I stopped because people immediately ask personal questions and go on and on about, like they want to be a part of the drama.

I blame Davina McCall!!!

I’m assuming that TV programme (Long Lost Family?) only chooses people who are desperate to trace their birth family, and I imagine that they start off with far more people than ever make it onto the finished series because they must discover incredibly difficult and traumatising circumstances en route that aren’t going to end up in some kind of emotional reunion.

@WaitingfortheTardis, I think that direct contact with birth parents after adoption is vanishingly rare, contact with birth siblings (if separately adopted) somewhat more common. Letterbox communication, when it happens, tends to be an annual letter from the adoptive parents to their adoption agency, who will hand it on to the birth parent — getting a reply is (in my experience with friends who’ve adopted) much rarer, and again, it wouldn’t be to the child. Many adoptive parents eventually stop letterbox when their child is old enough to decide it’s not something they want.

I think that's the main issue. I'm quite open about it and don't mind talking about it or answering questions but my answers/feelings always fall short because it doesn't fit the usual narrative and I'm normally left feeling like there's something wrong with me.

Which is why I started this thread really.

Not me but my ex. He always felt like this. His family was his Mum and Dad who actually wanted him (his words) and no curiosity whatsoever. His attitude was always why should he be bothered about it? He had a Mum and Dad who loved and wanted him why would he care beyond that? I have to confess it did sound a little confrontational the way he put it, but he has never wavered from it. He still seems happy with that decision. His sister however, not blood related to him btw, wanted to find out as much as possible about her birth parents from as soon as she was able. It didn’t end well, she was disappointed and suffered mh issues potentially triggered by her not being able to accept things as they were/not having the ‘happy ending’ she felt was going to be the outcome. Her adoptive parents were supportive of her quest but I don’t know if they were ever hurt by it. If they were they hid it well. Ex however, although he loved his sister dearly, wasn’t impressed. Felt it was disrespectful to their adoptive parents (he didn’t share that with his sister btw), and felt that it probably turned out the way he had always expected it would. Maybe his stance was self preservation, I don’t know.

A close relative of mine is adopted and has always known. She has never been overly interested in her biological family.

I don’t know your circumstances OP but she lived with her parents from being a couple of weeks old. I wonder what, if any, relationship there is between interest/disinterest in birth family where children are adopted later

I have always known I was adopted. I have googled my birth name (I found it when I was a teen) but never have found any information. I wouldn't want contact but there is a nosy feeling to see if they had ever searched for me. I would like to know medical history as we are a forgotten bunch in the medical world. If you have a family history of cancer etc.... you can get extra tests. If you don't know your history they just move on and you get offered nothing. I would like testing for the BRCA gene etc..... but the nhs say no.

Some of us feel ambivalent about our birth parents, even when they raised us.

Its a fascinating subject.

I've always know I was adopted and it's only since I had my DD that I have started to wonder about my birth family (am in my 40's) and not with any real sense of longing but mild curiosity.

I decided to 'open' my adoption records and found out I have 5 siblings! That has definitely made me more interested than I was!

I'm not adopted, but a close family member is. They told me that they feel very similar to you. They don't even have much curiosity at all and they never plan to seek out their birth mother. They are very close to their adoptive mother so perhaps that's partly why- they don't have a sense of something missing, I suppose.

No, it’s just that doesn’t make for an interesting story, so you don’t hear about it. Totally normal though.

@LifeExperience it’s kind of you to do that.

It is an emotional minefield, in my opinion (and speaking from experience), and there will be as many ways of experiencing it as there are people who have lived with it and through it., I would say, don't beat yourself up, or even really question yourself, over how you may feel. Or not feel. and of course, the way you feel may change over time - and back again.
But that doesn't mean to say that you dismiss or supress how you feel. However it may be, it is entirely valid.

Long Lost Family, in all it's iterations, has a lot to answer for. I cannot bear to watch it.

I’ve always known I was adopted, the odd childhood notion of being ‘rescued’ by a rich/famous/ insert day dream type person in a difficult times. Knew there was no happy story to be found and never sought any information, which being in Ireland, was impossible to obtain legally.

My dear Mother passed away when I was in my 40’s and I was eventually motivated to find my original birth name and details as a result of the Irish state’s punitive stance on this. I was angry that effectively random people could access my file and I couldn’t.

Took about 4 years all in during which the legislation was changed to allow adopted people apply under freedom of information type requests for their records. At that stage I had my birth cert by reading every birth entry for the country in my birth month and physically finding my entry and had found and contacted my birth mother via letter. She made it clear, without acknowledging me, that I was not to contact her again. I have 5 half siblings that don’t know of my existence I presume.

I was found my paternal cousins in the last year on a dna website. My birth father had passed away decades ago. Whilst disappointing, I at least know now as my BM did not give this man’s name despite my request. I obviously don’t know the circumstances of her pregnancy of course.

All in, I am glad I went through all this, I would like to know the medical stuff, 3 maternal aunts all seemed to have died relatively young. The whole Irish context and the circumstances of women who were treated appallingly has traumatised me for sure. I was in my 40’s when I discovered I was born in a mother and baby home and do wonder how was i treated or cared for in the 6 weeks before I was adopted.

Sharing as another adoptive persons experience and in the understanding that other people’s approach will be different and also can change over the years or decades.