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Are there any adopted people that feel like me?

61 replies

PaperDoIIs · 03/02/2024 16:13

Not exactly fun and games I know... but it doesn't fit AIBU.

A lot of the narrative around adoption feels extremely romanticised to me. The longing, the questions, the need for x,y,z. Where do I come from etc. Then you have the searches and tear jerking getting in contact and reunions (for various reasons whether it goes well or not). I don't doubt some people feel that way . I don't deny those people their feelings,experiences and needs.

But what about the other side? I don't know whether I'm in the minority, or rather just me/my circumstances (basically fucked up) , but bar a "would be good to know my medical history" thought I don't really think about it. I don't need to know where I come from to know who I am. I don't consider any of these people family. I don't long to know them and be with them. I don't see why I should invest time and money to look for them. I also don't hold any anger or resentment over it. I understand the situation very well. My curiosity is more "clinical" and of the "why don't I feel /want x?" variety mostly. I did ask some questions, but there have been times where I actually forgot what my birth's mother name is.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
DaisyDreaming · 04/02/2024 14:32

My heart breaks when I think of all those young mothers who were forced to give up their babies and how they were treated, I’m glad times have changed.

I saw some of the repeal the 8th stuff, I’m sorry it was so hurtful for you. Both sides seemed to use anything to make their point without any care as to who they might effect with their words and actions.

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 16:01

@DeeLusional thank you for sharing and I'm glad you did get something good out of it and that despite not going well you found some closure and the nightmares stopped. Flowers

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 04/02/2024 16:13

I have a cousin who was adopted as a baby. He tracked his birth mother down once his adopted DF died. He met his birth mother and my DGPs but he really wanted to find his birth father and we didn't have any information. He never contacted anyone again.

My bf has a friend who was adopted and has never been interested in his birth family. His family are his parents, other adopted brother and his friends. He always knew he was adopted and he told his friends when they were all quite young.

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Movinghouseatlast · 04/02/2024 17:31

I agree with you. I feel lucky because I don't feel the "what did I do wrong that I was given away" thing that lots of people feel. In fact I just don't understand that other people feel that when they were adopted as babies. To me, it was just circumstances. My bio mother was 16 when she had me, she was too young.

My adoptive parents were not good parents. My dad was a coercive controlling horror, my mum just couldn't pluck up the courage to leave. I blamed myself for her misery for so long.

I traced my real dad recently via Ancestry. It took months of painstaking research but when I found him I thought "so what? It's just a random bloke".

Ted27 · 04/02/2024 18:38

@PaperDoIIs

I think that sense of self is the key thing.
I see that growing in my son. He is following his own path and growing into the person he wants to be.
He has largely dealt with the what was wrong with me stuff through life story work in his early teens, though he does have moments of self doubt.
There are some things he will take from me and my family. He wouldn't be a dyed in the wool Liverpool supporter without me!
More seriously, whilst I don't have a faith, he does and I've supported him in that. I can see he shares my values.
Whilst I will always be here from him, the future is down to him. And I know it's going to be good.
You sound like you have your past and present in perspective. It doesnt really matter if other adoptees don't feel the same.

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 22:10

Ted27 · 04/02/2024 18:38

@PaperDoIIs

I think that sense of self is the key thing.
I see that growing in my son. He is following his own path and growing into the person he wants to be.
He has largely dealt with the what was wrong with me stuff through life story work in his early teens, though he does have moments of self doubt.
There are some things he will take from me and my family. He wouldn't be a dyed in the wool Liverpool supporter without me!
More seriously, whilst I don't have a faith, he does and I've supported him in that. I can see he shares my values.
Whilst I will always be here from him, the future is down to him. And I know it's going to be good.
You sound like you have your past and present in perspective. It doesnt really matter if other adoptees don't feel the same.

You sound awesome and so does your son. He was/is lucky to have you in his life.

OP posts:
gannett · 05/02/2024 17:55

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 13:12

I'm not on tik tok so I haven't seen any of that.

The narratives i encountered are (even before I found out as there are other adopted children in the family close social circle) one of saving and gratefulness and always compared with the worse case scenario, growing up in an orphanage or care home. My adoption was more of a picking the best product on the shelf , and a serious case of buyers remorse when I didn't live up to the expectations. Plus the baggage from my birth mother that I wasn't aware of. She had a teen pregnancy so my adoptive mother was terrified I'd end up like her. Confused

Then it went into the Disney/Hallmark stages of reunification,longing, missing pieces, bla bla bla and that didn't apply either .

Only concern I ever had was whether in my wilder days I could've possibly slept with a sibling. Grin

I very much identify with this. I didn't think adoptees had any option other than to feel gratitude, even though it became clear my adoptive parents had chosen me to fill a specific role in the family. And they were not pleased to discover I was actually my own, different person to what they expected. "Buyers remorse" describes it perfectly. Hence NC with them.

I'm not on TikTok either but I'm glad the next generation are being more honest about these things.

Should also note that I know a few adoptees whose experience was very positive (it seems important to also note that none of these positive experiences involved a church, which mine did).

Ted27 · 05/02/2024 18:53

@gannett

so many people have told me over the years how lucky my son was to be adopted by me.
As much as I love him, he's not lucky. He should be with a birth family who could look after him as he deserved.
So no he is not lucky, nor should any adoptee be made to feel grateful.
I'm the lucky one, it's been a privilege to be mum to this young man.
@PaperDoIIs
I think all adoptees are awesome.

LighthouseTheme · 05/02/2024 23:15

@PaperDoIIs The possibility of having (had) an accidental relationship with a sibling could be a very real issue, couldn't it. I mean, how would you know?

I was brought up in a (then, by the standards of the day) rather abnormal setting; by the parents of my father - and never saw my mother when I was a child (met at 16). What I did not know, and was never told - was that they, in the death throes if their relationship, had had another child (as well as my sister while they were still together - and she stayed with my mother, and I didn't know her either). This was a boy, and he was adopted, after spending weeks in hospital/an incubator.

Many years later, he had a near-fatal accident, and decided to track down his birth "family". The official people went to my father's mother for some reason, and she delegated the task of meeting him, to me. I was agreeable, even though I had never been told of his existence. I was at that time, a few months pregnant and semi-happily married.

When we did meet, we had an instant connection - that, had we not know that we were biologically related, could have developed into another type of relationship. Thank God we never met without knowing the backstory, as much as we did. I get chills when I think of how it could have played out.

And for a while, he was slightly inappropriate; even though he had the most lovely girlfriends, he would tell me that he wanted "one like me". But I do think that it was the blood relationship underneath everything that was the real connection - and even that only lasted for a while.

So I aided in meeting his/my mother and the other members of that side of the family. I think it went OK, but I was not really further involved, as my mother then decided to shut me out (ho hum).

His main wish was I think to meet our father, who then lived in the south of France. They spoke on the phone, and he said that my brother was free to "call in if passing". (!!) Twelve years later, they did meet. One time only.

As recently as three years ago, my father inferred to me that - despite blatant resemblance - he would want a DNA test before meeting him again. Fortunately for him, my brother has no real wish to see him again - and he is even further away now.

The family who adopted him treated him very badly as well, so it has been a nightmare all round.

BrieAndChilli · 05/02/2024 23:22

I was 5 when we were taken into care and then adopted so I remember some things from living with my biological family. I also have a ‘life story folder and some photos . One of my sisters was adopted with me so I have grown up with a blood relation.
likenothers I am now NC with my adoptive mother. I don’t have a burning desire to contact my birth family other than medical history, find out more about siblings (I know ther is at least 5 of us) and also to find out a little bit more about why I was adopted. I know a bit but a child’s perspective is not always the full story.

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 09:48

LighthouseTheme · 05/02/2024 23:15

@PaperDoIIs The possibility of having (had) an accidental relationship with a sibling could be a very real issue, couldn't it. I mean, how would you know?

I was brought up in a (then, by the standards of the day) rather abnormal setting; by the parents of my father - and never saw my mother when I was a child (met at 16). What I did not know, and was never told - was that they, in the death throes if their relationship, had had another child (as well as my sister while they were still together - and she stayed with my mother, and I didn't know her either). This was a boy, and he was adopted, after spending weeks in hospital/an incubator.

Many years later, he had a near-fatal accident, and decided to track down his birth "family". The official people went to my father's mother for some reason, and she delegated the task of meeting him, to me. I was agreeable, even though I had never been told of his existence. I was at that time, a few months pregnant and semi-happily married.

When we did meet, we had an instant connection - that, had we not know that we were biologically related, could have developed into another type of relationship. Thank God we never met without knowing the backstory, as much as we did. I get chills when I think of how it could have played out.

And for a while, he was slightly inappropriate; even though he had the most lovely girlfriends, he would tell me that he wanted "one like me". But I do think that it was the blood relationship underneath everything that was the real connection - and even that only lasted for a while.

So I aided in meeting his/my mother and the other members of that side of the family. I think it went OK, but I was not really further involved, as my mother then decided to shut me out (ho hum).

His main wish was I think to meet our father, who then lived in the south of France. They spoke on the phone, and he said that my brother was free to "call in if passing". (!!) Twelve years later, they did meet. One time only.

As recently as three years ago, my father inferred to me that - despite blatant resemblance - he would want a DNA test before meeting him again. Fortunately for him, my brother has no real wish to see him again - and he is even further away now.

The family who adopted him treated him very badly as well, so it has been a nightmare all round.

I know my mother wasn't local, and moved away after finishing school and had three daughters when she married so no dangers there. It's extremely unlikely for any other children in between as the experience was so traumatic for her.

I don't know anything about my dad (she refused to give his name) so it could've happened. Luckily I avoided anything too serious by getting settled and having children with a man halfway across the continent, but it's been playing on my mind.

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