Are there any adopted people that feel like me?

[PaperDoIIs]

Not exactly fun and games I know... but it doesn't fit AIBU.

A lot of the narrative around adoption feels extremely romanticised to me. The longing, the questions, the need for x,y,z. Where do I come from etc. Then you have the searches and tear jerking getting in contact and reunions (for various reasons whether it goes well or not). I don't doubt some people feel that way . I don't deny those people their feelings,experiences and needs.

But what about the other side? I don't know whether I'm in the minority, or rather just me/my circumstances (basically fucked up) , but bar a "would be good to know my medical history" thought I don't really think about it. I don't need to know where I come from to know who I am. I don't consider any of these people family. I don't long to know them and be with them. I don't see why I should invest time and money to look for them. I also don't hold any anger or resentment over it. I understand the situation very well. My curiosity is more "clinical" and of the "why don't I feel /want x?" variety mostly. I did ask some questions, but there have been times where I actually forgot what my birth's mother name is.

Is it just me?

I was abandoned by my parents but later had contact with a grandparent. They said if I had been adopted they are sure I would have gone looking for birth family. I answered untruthfully. I didn't want to hurt her by saying no, I wouldn't. If I'd been given up why would I? I wasn't adopted. I had numerous placements.

I'm sure you know but just in case, there is dna testing that can tell you your heritage.

It's lovely to hear other adopted people's feelings and ideas, not often I get to be in the company of many other people who know what it can be like!

I tracked down my birth mother to have a bit of genetic information before I had children, romanticised it a lot as I was in my 20s then. We have sporadic contact but I don't really feel much toward her, it almost makes me shiver to think we shared such an intense experience, that I grew in her body, not a comfortable thought for me. There is definitely no great closeness or actual curiosity to meet the rest of my 'family'.

Might just be me though because I don't feel a lot for my adopted family either, they are very much into the family tree and ancestors, who did what and died where and it leaves me feeling totally meh. I look to myself and then my children as the very start of our family line, clean slate nobody above just us to start a new one. Wondered if anyone else felt similar?

I am adopted and I discovered it by accident as an adult. I feel like all my childhood has been a lie.

I do in a way. As I hinted , life with my adoptive family wasn't great to put it mildly . It's a huge family, but I was only close to 4 of them, and 3 of them are dead. Never had the mother I wanted or needed , and there's no way this random woman can be it.. so it what it is.

Like I said, when I found out I was kinda relieved, as what some family members did would be so much more awful if we were actually blood related. It also explained some of my adoptive mother's attitudes towards me.

I had my fresh start, and that includes family/bloodline.

If you don't mind talking about it , how did you find out?

"I do in a way. As I hinted , life with my adoptive family wasn't great to put it mildly . It's a huge family, but I was only close to 4 of them, and 3 of them are dead. Never had the mother I wanted or needed , and there's no way this random woman can be it.. so it what it is."

Wow, I don't think I've ever heard/read anything that resonates with me more. I completely understand what you are saying. Although I knew from an early age of the adoption everything else you have written is the same. Acceptance that this is all you will have. You write so much better than I am able!

Edited to attempt to highlight the quote from the OP just above, not sure it worked.

Adopted here! Always known and my mum and dad are my parents. As PP have said the medical information would be most welcome. Sometimes it's soul destroying to have to remind HCP I'm adopted so have no history to share 🤦‍♀️ 🙄

I know what my BM looks like and that I have half siblings in the ether - got my adoption files in my early twenties but never went further. I now have my DD and the curiosity is bubbling away again but more from the medical perspective

Also adopted here. Have known from an early age. Lucky enough to have a lovely family, parents both deceased now sadly.

I had to trace & contact my birth mother several years ago due to some medical
Information I needed to pass on.

We've kept in touch but only sporadic messaging even though geographically she's relatively close.

She's never mentioned my bio dad so I did a DNA test, I felt his family deserved same consideration re information I'd given her, but no match.

She agreed to talk to my genetics team but I have no more relevant information about my situation.

Not adopted but never met my father as he left when my mum was pregnant & was clear he didn't want a family. I'm mid 40's & have always accepted this decision & have never been curious, in some ways I appreciate the honesty! I've always felt a bit weird for feeling clinical as you call it OP. Terrible relationship with my mother and we've been NC since I was 20. My feeling is my family 'tree' starts with me & my little family.

Soon after I found out I had some health issues so lots of appointments and discussions. I guess it helped in a way, as after repeating it so many times to healthcare professionals, it soon just became a fact rather than this big bombshell.

I really appreciate all the replies, it's definitely making me feel less alone in this and weird.

Some of the other people I know who are adopted seem to have reached this stage, but that was after the search and want to know, mostly because their bio families were a disappointment in various ways.

Also adopted and also have no interest in going searching for my bio family.

NC with adoptive family and have no interest in resuming contact with any of the wider family either.

The lesson I took from all of that is family doesn't matter, whether biological or not, when it comes to who in your life will love for who you are and be there for you through thick and thin. I've surrounded myself with an extensive "chosen family" - a lot of whom are LGBT and have had similar experiences - and my life is so much richer for it. I don't feel anything lacking that I'd have go in search of random strangers to find.

No you're not weird and I completely agree with what you've said.

The HCP thing really frustrates me. I've asked politely that a note is added to my records. I thought it would negate the need for me to repeatedly state that I am adopted but it's made no difference.

I have never wanted to make contact with my birth family. It's always felt as if I've had to forcebly explain my reasons, fight my corner. So many people have a view on what they would do and it is very 'Disney'. I used to play along with it when I was younger in the hope they'd shut up and quicker.

My opinion has always been that you cannot prepare yourself for what you'll find once you've opened the door into your birth parents life. Once opened, the door can never really be closed. You can cut contact but the mental cost is simply too great IMO. I have enough going on without adding another layer or complexity.

The current narrative on TikTok is very very different to the romanticised one. It’s very much all adoption is very bad and adoption is pure trauma. No one should adopt as it’s life long trauma for the child. It’s good to see the shiny romance mask slipping and everyone is entitled to feel how they feel. I hope no one is put off of adopting out of foster care from it though (I do hope it helps shine a light on the awful system of the industry in some countries of adopting kids from counties where they have families and maybe some churches will look at supporting families rather than the Christian adoption thing!).

I was desperate to find my birth mother and had horrible dreams all my life till I did. My birth mother breastfed me for 6 weeks, then I was unceremoniously taken from her in one room and literally handed to someone else in the next room. Adopted mother smoked like a lum, so much so that I ended up in hospital with pneumonia after 2 weeks, was in and out of hospital with chest problems all my life till I left at 17. Adopted mother hit me almost every day till I was bigger than her, belittled me constantly. Maybe all that is why I was so desperate to find my birth mother.

I'm not on tik tok so I haven't seen any of that.

The narratives i encountered are (even before I found out as there are other adopted children in the family close social circle) one of saving and gratefulness and always compared with the worse case scenario, growing up in an orphanage or care home. My adoption was more of a picking the best product on the shelf , and a serious case of buyers remorse when I didn't live up to the expectations. Plus the baggage from my birth mother that I wasn't aware of. She had a teen pregnancy so my adoptive mother was terrified I'd end up like her.

Then it went into the Disney/Hallmark stages of reunification,longing, missing pieces, bla bla bla and that didn't apply either .

Only concern I ever had was whether in my wilder days I could've possibly slept with a sibling.

Did you manage to ? Did it go ok? You don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable doing so.

Like I said in my OP, I understand and accept other's feelings around it that are in a similar vein. I just can't relate to them, and for a long time I wondered if that means there's something wrong with me.

My Mum and my Uncle were both adopted (from different families.) My Mum needed answers and wanted to trace her biological family (unfortunately her biological mother had died so we never got the full story.) However, my Uncle always stated he absolutely did not want to know. His life was what he had made it and he was content to leave the past in the past.

Basically, I don't think there's a 'right' way to feel. Your feelings are equally as valid.

Yes I did find her in the end. Luckily I wasn't looking for a mother-daughter relationship as she was a sad case really, lots of mental health problems. When I was searching, a friend asked me "Is not knowing worse than the worst you could find out". And for me, not knowing was worse. We didn't have a close relationship, but the best thing to come out of it was finding my sister, 3 years younger than me, and we have been close for 20 years now 😊

,@PaperDoIIs

I'm an adoptive mum. My son was taken into care at 4, and came to me at 8. He's now 19.
His birth mum was in life until he was 4. We have always had some contact with dad, mainly to keep in touch with his sibling.
His feelings about them have changed over the last 11 years, and will no doubt change again. Although he is quite mature for his age, he is still only 19.
At the moment he isn't interested.
He gets some information about dad now and again from his brother. We know what town his mum lives in and some information from the last few years.
He seems to have decided that as neither of them are ever going to be the parents he would like to be, he is going to build his own life and show them what they're missing.
Speaking as an adoptive parent, it seems to me that so much depends on whether you always knew or found out later in life, your relationship with your adoptive family, how happy/secure you are as an adult, and a whole host of other factors depending on the individual.
I see in my friends kids emotions ranging from mild curiosity, indifference, deep seated longing to outright hostility to birth parents.
There is no 'right' way to feel about it, just your feelings.

@DaisyDreaming
The current narrative on TikTok is very very different to the romanticised one. It’s very much all adoption is very bad and adoption is pure trauma.

I don't know about tiktok but in Ireland that is very much the narrative, adoption is seen as a brutal practice of our Catholic oppression. And it was in the way it was conducted, and in how mothers were treated, but I feel the whole concept is tarnished. I never ever doubted that I was loved and wanted because my parents longed for me possibly more than a biological parent. The only time I ever felt anything negative was during the Repeal the 8th campaign. If you are not familiar it was the referendum around removing the abortion ban, basically paving the way for legal abortion in Ireland. Some of the Yes campaigners used this constantly as their argument, it was absolutely shocking what they said with no thought for the adoptees or their adopted families. I have never in my life witnessed people openly stating that a class of people ie adoptees should have been aborted and did not deserve to live, and instead of being met with outrage it was met with whoops and applause. For the first time in my life I felt wrong, and very briefly I felt shame. But then I felt only anger, I'm not a dirty little secret so shame on those for making me feel that way. It was a complex debate and like I said it was only some groups were bad minded and tactless, but it really hurt. People react very differently now if they find out I'm adopted that they did 20 years ago so I no longer share my story as I can't be dealing with someone else's opinions about my life.

My BiL is adopted and so are his 2 siblings. All adopted from different families. His older sister was always curious and at 18 she traced her biological Mum and was rejected again. She's never really got over it and it still affects her MH. My BiL was given a folder at 18 with all details of his birth mother in. He burned it without opening it. He told his adoptive Mum she'd been his Mum all his life and he didn't need to complicate his life by finding his biological Mother. His younger sister didn't want to know either. I did wonder if the younger 2 were influenced by their older sister and her experience.

That must have been so hard. It's a great pity your adoptive parents never found the moment to tell you.

I found out at 26 through sheer chance (me asking as a joke). My childhood is rife with ALL types of abuse, some of them at the hands of my adoptive mother. I think this contributed a lot as I made peace with not having a mother (in the real term), accepting I don't belong /I'm not like them and that I am my own person and that's ok. So when this came about I had a pretty secure sense of self(no matter how messed up i was/am) that I had built (it wasn't quick or easy). Maybe I refused to lose that by allowing questions in, maybe it was enough knowing and accepting who I am and how I am. And like I said the pure relief that some things hadn't been done by blood relatives and the sense of "that explains it."

Apologies for the brain dump.