My friend who now lives in Brisbane has been home for a month, and hasn't made time to see me. I can't help feeling a bit upset. 🤔

[Winterysun]

For context, we're both 50, and been friends since primary school. She emigrated to Australia over 10 years ago, and was last here 5 years ago, (we met up several times then).

This time, she arrived in December to a very difficult family situation, which she wasn't aware of until she arrived. Due to this her family have taken priority on this visit, which I ABSOLUTELY understand.

However, I only live 20 minutes drive away from where she's staying with her mum & sister (we both have transport). I've set aside time for us to meet up and none of these days have worked out for her, even for just a quick coffee. The dates she's suggested, she's cancelled last minute.

I wouldn't have been upset, (as appreciate her family situation is immensely difficult), but then found out during her last week here (she travels back to Australia tomorrow), she did a 3 hour drive each way to London, stayed 2 or 3 days and met up with other friends & family.

She texted the other day, apologising that she now has no spare time before flying back tomorrow, and hopes we can get together next time. She's hoping that will be later this year, rather than another 5, but it's clear to me that with the little time she did have (outside her family situation) she prioritised these London friends over me, despite messaging me in the weeks leading up to her coming, asking me to set outside time/ideas of events to go to together, etc.

I also only live about 10 minutes away from the motorway she'd have been on, to start her journey to London, but she didn't even suggest calling in en route (there or back).

This time tomorrow she'll be on the plane, travelling 10,000+ miles back home. For the last 4 weeks we've only been about 8 miles away from each other, and not even seen each other for a quick drink. Would you be upset, too?

Yes I would be upset that I had not seen her but I would not be upset with her, as you say she's had troubles. I would assume as a good friend she had her reasons for doing what she did.

I do the reverse and trips home are bloody hard. It’s your holiday too and constantly rushing from one catch up to another is a lot, especially if you are dealing with family issues.

Are you in regular contact?

Probably exhausted and doesn't want to go into detail over the issues.

I would totally be upset. You'll likely get loads of people telling you she had her family situation as a priority, but you'd hope to be a support/sounding board to a good friend especially when so close by.

I think sometimes it's not personal but just conflicting relationship dynamics that lead to things like this happening but I can appreciate it hurts.

I have some sympathy for your friend. I do similar and its very very hard to find time for it all in short trips.

I would be upset too, but it sounds like whatever was going on with her family was very demanding, and it sounds like the trip to London was mainly to see family but she managed to see some friends too!

I would still be disappointed that she couldn't find an hour to chat over coffee, but in the circumstances I would wait and see how things go on her next visit before holding it against her.

Thank you for your messages, I'll reiterate that I completely understand that the family issue took priority. I'd also have understood not seeing her at all due to this, but it was the fact she drove all that way to prioritize OTHER friends for 2 to 3 days, and couldn't even fit me in for an hour.

I'd offered to visit her, or meet in town even, if that made it easier. But she didn't really respond, just 'maybe's' and then cancelling.

Yes, we're in touch every few weeks generally, and she was texting me a lot in the weeks leading up to coming over.

You don't mention whether you expected her to come to you or not - could that be the factor? Since she travelled the first 10k miles, I'd expect you to do the last 8. And the trip to London was multiple friends Vs one.

I didn't expect her to come to me, I told her I was happy to visit her, any time, but she didn't take me up on it.

Yes I’d be extremely upset that she managed to drive 3 hours away and 3 hours back to visit other friends, and stayed with them for 2-3 days, but couldn’t even find 30 minutes for you to call over for a coffee.

I think I’d be reevaluating the friendship after that.

Yes Charmedcult. 🤔 And I'll certainly wait for her to message me after flying home, rather than text her on Monday with 'Did you have a good flight?' etc.

I'm annoyed with myself too, as I postponed an important appointment which was due to be on the last possible day she said she could meet me. I thought it best to keep that day completely clear for her, only for her not to respond to my text that morning, and not at all until the evening, apologising for not letting me know and saying there was no more time!

I've managed to rearrange for next week but it will take some rushing around. The original appt was much more convenient! Oh well, you live and learn I suppose.

It's completely understandable for you to be upset and I think most people would feel the same as it seems she's prioritised others over you. However, It would be very sad to end a lifelong friendship over this. I am sure she did not mean to hurt your feelings and she would be upset to know she has. Again your feelings are very valid here but maybe just forgive and move on and look forward to the next time you both can meet. Friendships which have lasted decades are a rare thing!

Oh I won't end the friendship over it, but I'll let her be the first to get in contact now.

Yes, family situation - unavoidable and
I've been and will stay, extremely sympathetic. It was the London weekend I was upset by, absolutely she should have seen them, but staying for 3 days? And couldn't spare even half an hour for me, at any time in the last month.

I am sure she did not mean to hurt your feelings and she would be upset to know she has.

Whatever her reasons, it would be strange if she couldn't work out that multiple postponements and cancellations to see an old friend would be hurtful in this situation, @Boymum1988.

Postponing the appointment makes you sound like a wee bit of a martyr. I'd have kept it and said, if you want to see me today it has to be between X and Y time.
I guess maybe you place more importance on the friendship than she does. Maybe she is closer to her London friends.
When I go back to where I used to live I have people I always see and people I sometimes don't even tell that I am coming, if I don't have time to see them on that trip.

yanbu to be upset but she's not bu not to make time to see you.

'home' visits are exhausting without extra issues to deal with.

keep in contact with her and hopefully her next visit will give a chance to reconnect in person.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. She’s had priorities, be it the family situation or the people she visited in london. I’d be upset if I were you, but you’ve learned something through this process; you each regard your friendship differently, perhaps?

I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to see people when you're back from overseas, particularly if you're walking onto a complex family situation. I always feel that I let people down: people I genuinely value and are important in my life. Please don't take it personally.

I wouldn’t be annoyed. It is what it is and you can’t change that. She didn’t want to see you enough to actually see you.
Now you know that, you can shape your relationship with her as you wish.

Yes, I realise it's hard to split yourself between everybody with limited time available, but I'm just confused. She's always very much in contact on social media, ie hearts & comments on my posts, and often messages to tell me things/asks about myself & the family etc.

Also, once she'd booked her flights she messaged straightaway with details, asking me to put some dates aside for her! These obviously couldn't happen due to her situation, but what little time she did have, when it came to it, she prioritised other friends over me.

I'd expect that, if our friendship now means less to her, or she maybe didn't enjoy our catch-ups last time as much as she seemed to, I'd have noticed a reduction of contact. But no, she's carried on exactly as normal!

That's the confusing thing.

Having been in a similar situation, I suspect it's not that the friendship doesn't mean enough, it's purely that she's been overwhelmed by her family situation and it's taken up far more of her time than she would have liked. I'd take her apology as genuine and not read any more into it than that.

This is where you find out how far down her list you come sadly. You can still be friends, but you need to not prioritise her like you have been doing. Just afford her the same level of importance in return and concentrate on the friends you see regularly and prioritise you too.

I'm on the don't take this personally team.
It is very hard travelling over. Have to fit everyone in including people and places you don't really want to see. Have to be smiley when you just want a comfy bed.
And your friend has other family issues on that are probably distressingly.

She spent time with last time, she couldn't this time. She probably didn't have a great time here this time it's sad but if she's a friend give her a break and don't make her feel guilty. There is never enough time and a month is nothing.

In 10 years when have you visited her?

I go ‘home’ to a different part of the UK from where I now live. It is extremely stressful every single time with people trying to ‘fit’ us in here or there. Means my holiday is never ever a holiday.

And that’s not taking into consideration your friend has flown thousands of miles and there’s also an unexpected family situation on arrival.

I had this with a good friend, also from school. We both worked overseas at different times and visited home so understand some of the issues raised by pps. But on this occasion friend came home and rented a cottage for a week less than 5 miles from me, but didn't tell me she was back. I only found out as I visited her family the following month and her mum dobbed her in. I think her mum knew her daughter hadn't bothered to contact me and wasn't very impressed. I had and have always found with this friend that if I travelled she and hubby would see me but they wouldn't put themselves out. So I take the friendship very superficially. I'm polite, interested in their lives when I see them but I don't treat them as a priority. And I think that is why op you are hurt - you prioritised someone who doesn't prioritise you.